Our Break From Adoption Decisions

In my last real post on our decisions related to adoption, I announced our decision to delay formally entering the adoption process (this of course is neglecting my post last week when I was having a bit of a not so perfect breakdown). We got to a point in our research where the next available step was to attend the mandatory weekend adoption seminar. Our choice was to attend it right away in July or wait until October when the next one is offered in our city.   What we decided was that in order to proceed any further, we needed to get fully on board the adoption train both emotionally and financially. Ultimately, the decision was that we just weren’t ready yet and in the scheme of our lives waiting until October is not going to make a big difference. (Oddly enough, I was the driving force behind this decision – I say oddly, because my husband is usually the one wanting to take the adoption decisions slowly, and I’m usually the one jumping in head first. I’m typically the one who rushes decisions, acts quickly and lives with the consequences. So, the decision was rather easy to make because he wasn’t pushing to move forward immediately, and nor was I).   Anyways, by deciding to wait at least until the next adoption seminar in October, we are effectively delaying any sort of critical adoption decisions. Some might say, we decided to take a temporary break.

So, now about a month into our break from adoption research, I thought it was time to provide an update on our break and our continued adoption indecision. As I’ve been thinking about this post, I’ve realized that the update is nothing like I would have expected.

We have quite literally not been talking too much about adoption and neither of us have been spending much time reading and researching the topic. (Not that I’d expect my husband to spend hours researching, usually I’m the one reading data and articles obsessively and sharing the results with him).

While we have definitely had the odd conversation about little things related to adoption (like race), we have not been focusing on it. This means, our conversations have not revolved around the topic of adoption. We have not been hung up on our fears about the cognitive health of potential adopted children. We have not been discussing potential race of children. We have not been worrying about the multiple year time commitment to the adoption process. We simply, haven’t been focused on adoption.

I thought I’d use this “break” to read a few recommended book on open adoption, and instead I haven’t cracked a single book. I haven’t obsessively googled the topic scouring for new news articles or comparisons regarding different adoption options (i.e. domestic vs international or open vs closed).  I haven’t been creating pros and cons lists.  I haven’t created any spreadsheets or charts to help in my comparisons.  I haven’t done much of anything when it comes to research.

I have read a few posts from adoption bloggers that I follow. Some from the perspective of birth mothers, others are that of adoptive parents, some are the perspective of potential adoptive parents and others still are the perspective of adoptive children at various stages in their life. But I have not sought out new blogs to read, just those that automatically appear in my reader.

While, we haven’t spent too much time talking about adoption together, we have both stumbled into a few conversations with friends about the possibility of adoption, but neither of us ever go into too much detail about what we are thinking as this is not a decision involving anyone outside of my husband and I. It is interesting hearing other people’s opinions, some who have never actually contemplated adoption and others who have family members who have chosen adoption. We are always happy to learn from others whenever the opportunity arises.

Throughout the last month, I seem willing to absorb information that I stumble upon, but I am not making any real efforts to educate myself with every possible tidbit of information available in the modern world. I’m surprised by my lack of interest, or probably better said, I am surprised by my lack of dedication to the topic.

So, when I try to figure out why this break has not shaped up the way I thought it would, I think, it has to do with exhaustion of living and breathing baby making and adoption 24/7 for over 2 years now. I take my lack of an overt interest in the decision as evidence of a needed break. I think I clearly needed some time to just be, without obsessing. I think part of this even relates back to my work to accept a messy life and to live messy. By taking time, I’m effectively allowing myself time to just be, warts and all. Time without a decision and an immediate path forward. This is foreign territory for me, but somehow, right now it feel right.  And, maybe, this is evidence of something bigger going on in my perfect breakdown?  Maybe, just maybe, I’m experiencing some sort of breakthrough in accepting our situation and not trying to control everything?  Maybe.

So, right now, I think our decision to take a break from our adoption research and put off making an actual decision, was the right decision in itself. I know we will still confront this decision in the next few months, but I think downtime has been invaluable and maybe somehow this downtime will actually help us make our next move when the time is right.

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12 Comments on “Our Break From Adoption Decisions

  1. I completely agree. These decisions are not easily or lightly made. And you have every right to be Here (on the spectrum) today and There tomorrow.

    I thought of where you’re at while I was at my pregnancy loss support group last night. It is only the second time in 9 months that I’ve attended, but somehow it was easier this time. I cried when I told the group that we might be deciding this is the end of our road: that nothing was final yet, that I vacillate between “yes”, “maybe” and “no” on an hourly basis. And they accepted that. Because they’ve been there. They know what we know.

    What I’m trying to say is I hope you feel supported and held in your indecision. It’s okay to not have the answer(s).

    I know that now. And I think you do too.

    With much heart,
    Dani

    Like

    • Thank you so much for sharing! As hard as this process is, I am thankful that I have people like you who understand the highs and the lows and the continual indecision that go along with our losses.
      I wish you peace as you work through all the emotions and work to make your next decision.

      Like

  2. I’m so glad you guys figured out what is best for you to do right now. Also, thank you so much for sharing so much information on adoption. We may get there one day.

    Like

    • I don’t know that we figured it out so much as we just let this break happen. But either way, it does feel right for the time being.
      I’m happy to share about the adoption part of our lives. I still honestly have no idea if we will adopt, but I know that informing ourselves will be key to our decision in the end.
      And, I hope you don’t get there – I so hope your IVF works on the first try and you get your little one without anymore delay!

      Like

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