The End May Be In Sight
We went with so much hope. We returned with less hope then we’ve ever had.
We have learned so much, and yet so little is certain.
Today, we are surrounded by so much uncertainty.
The end may be in sight.
Now to focus the thoughts running through my mind, into something more than the ramblings of a crazy person.
We went to New York. We had so much hope. Hope for an answer. Hope for a solution. Hope.
We saw Dr. Braverman. We are 100% confident that he will determine all the answers. And now, we are also pretty confident that the required solutions will be unattainable for us.
I say all of the answers, because the preliminary tests combined with our history indicates that everything that could be wrong, is likely wrong. The answer will be complex.
He believes he can fix it all. A surgery or two, a magical concoction of medications with varying risks, and a small bit of good luck should do the trick.
But, as a Canadian with no USA medical insurance, we simply cannot take the risk of having surgery in the US. While, we may be able to find the money for the surgery itself, if something goes wrong with the surgery or the recovery it would have the potential to absolutely bankrupt us. And, right now, I am certain that it’s just not an option for us. We can and will look for a surgeon here, but it could be a multiple year wait to get in to even see the surgeon, and there are no guarantees that they would even agree to do the surgery.
And the magical concoction of drugs – well, we don’t know the details on that right now, we have to wait for the blood analysis for the precise details. But, given my immunological history, Dr. B highly expects that IVIG will be a requirement – not a recommendation, but a requirement. If you go back to my post on my initial post on immunology and recurrent pregnancy loss, the costs of IVIG alone could easily be upwards of $100,000, and that won’t even include the travel costs of multiple trips to NYC. Again, no USA insurance means this will all be out of pocket. And, we also know, based on my digging around here for a few months, IVIG will be next to impossible to get locally. And, remember, this is just the costs of one of the drugs that would be required. I am completely certain that there will be more drugs involved, and I cannot even begin to guestimate the total cost.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. My husband and I are two unbelievably pragmatic people. The idea of bankrupting ourselves, and mortgaging our financial future when there are no guarantees that it will work, seems like an impossibility to both of us.
So, does this mean adoption is back on the table? Very likely.
Does this mean surrogacy might be our best solution? Possibly. But, as a Canadian, this is a bit of challenge. Without a volunteer surrogate, we cannot do surrogacy in our own country (it is illegal to pay for a surrogate in Canada, so you pretty much have to find a willing friend, and how does one actually do that?). So, we would be looking at international IVF and surrogacy – having not done extensive research on this subject yet, I can only assume it will have a significant price tag given the international travel, IVF with CCS and surrogacy arrangements.
How do I/we digest it all and start to make sense out of everything?
We know we have to wait to see everything that Dr. B and his team determine based on the results of all the tests. But make no mistake, we have already learned a lot, and we know it’s looking pretty bad.
So, if I go back to the initial reason we decided to seek Dr. B’s expertise – what we really needed from Dr. B was a reason, and he has given us that. And, now I know, with just with the information we received so far, that I would have peace knowing that the next try wasn’t going to be the one. Just aimlessly trying was never going to work. So, logically, I now I know, if we choose to stop trying based on this, we can live knowing we tried everything and we had to stop given Dr. B’s prognosis and the financial and potential emotional costs of success.
Regardless of the exact outcome, I am fairly confident that this marks some sort of a critical moment in time for us.
In many ways, I think we are currently at our lowest point in all of this so far. Hope is all but gone for the moment. I don’t know when hope will come back. I don’t know if this marks some sort of a turning point for us. I am pretty sure that my current break away from hope is just temporary.
While I may end up giving up our dream of having children, I am not ready to give up on hope. A life without hope is a dark life. It will not be my life. And so, I am certain that this is not the end of our story.
I am confident that hope is simply a butterfly cocooning to find her wings.
Hope will return.
P.S. I know this is short on the exact details of the preliminary findings. I will post on that, just not right now.
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