The End May Be In Sight

We went with so much hope. We returned with less hope then we’ve ever had.

We have learned so much, and yet so little is certain.

Today, we are surrounded by so much uncertainty.

The end may be in sight.

Now to focus the thoughts running through my mind, into something more than the ramblings of a crazy person.

.

We went to New York. We had so much hope. Hope for an answer. Hope for a solution. Hope.

We saw Dr. Braverman. We are 100% confident that he will determine all the answers. And now, we are also pretty confident that the required solutions will be unattainable for us.

I say all of the answers, because the preliminary tests combined with our history indicates that everything that could be wrong, is likely wrong. The answer will be complex.

He believes he can fix it all. A surgery or two, a magical concoction of medications with varying risks, and a small bit of good luck should do the trick.

But, as a Canadian with no USA medical insurance, we simply cannot take the risk of having surgery in the US. While, we may be able to find the money for the surgery itself, if something goes wrong with the surgery or the recovery it would have the potential to absolutely bankrupt us. And, right now, I am certain that it’s just not an option for us. We can and will look for a surgeon here, but it could be a multiple year wait to get in to even see the surgeon, and there are no guarantees that they would even agree to do the surgery.

And the magical concoction of drugs – well, we don’t know the details on that right now, we have to wait for the blood analysis for the precise details. But, given my immunological history, Dr. B highly expects that IVIG will be a requirement – not a recommendation, but a requirement. If you go back to my post on my initial post on immunology and recurrent pregnancy loss, the costs of IVIG alone could easily be upwards of $100,000, and that won’t even include the travel costs of multiple trips to NYC.  Again, no USA insurance means this will all be out of pocket. And, we also know, based on my digging around here for a few months, IVIG will be next to impossible to get locally. And, remember, this is just the costs of one of the drugs that would be required. I am completely certain that there will be more drugs involved, and I cannot even begin to guestimate the total cost.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. My husband and I are two unbelievably pragmatic people. The idea of bankrupting ourselves, and mortgaging our financial future when there are no guarantees that it will work, seems like an impossibility to both of us.

So, does this mean adoption is back on the table? Very likely.

Does this mean surrogacy might be our best solution? Possibly. But, as a Canadian, this is a bit of challenge. Without a volunteer surrogate, we cannot do surrogacy in our own country (it is illegal to pay for a surrogate in Canada, so you pretty much have to find a willing friend, and how does one actually do that?). So, we would be looking at international IVF and surrogacy – having not done extensive research on this subject yet, I can only assume it will have a significant price tag given the international travel, IVF with CCS and surrogacy arrangements.

How do I/we digest it all and start to make sense out of everything?

We know we have to wait to see everything that Dr. B and his team determine based on the results of all the tests. But make no mistake, we have already learned a lot, and we know it’s looking pretty bad.

So, if I go back to the initial reason we decided to seek Dr. B’s expertise – what we really needed from Dr. B was a reason, and he has given us that. And, now I know, with just with the information we received so far, that I would have peace knowing that the next try wasn’t going to be the one. Just aimlessly trying was never going to work. So, logically, I now I know, if we choose to stop trying based on this, we can live knowing we tried everything and we had to stop given Dr. B’s prognosis and the financial and potential emotional costs of success.

Regardless of the exact outcome, I am fairly confident that this marks some sort of a critical moment in time for us.

In many ways, I think we are currently at our lowest point in all of this so far. Hope is all but gone for the moment. I don’t know when hope will come back. I don’t know if this marks some sort of a turning point for us. I am pretty sure that my current break away from hope is just temporary.

While I may end up giving up our dream of having children, I am not ready to give up on hope. A life without hope is a dark life. It will not be my life. And so, I am certain that this is not the end of our story.

I am confident that hope is simply a butterfly cocooning to find her wings.

Hope will return.

 .

P.S. I know this is short on the exact details of the preliminary findings. I will post on that, just not right now.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

59 Comments on “The End May Be In Sight

  1. I will be thinking about you and your hubs as you do some research and try to figure out what’s next. I’m so sorry you didn’t get an easier to fix answer.

    Like

  2. I’m so sorry. I am, however, happy that you’ve been able to get some answers, and aren’t left wondering anymore. Hopefully after you have some time to digest the information and further look into your options, things won’t look so bleak for you. Thinking about you guys…

    Like

    • Thank you so much Amy. Your encouragement and support is so important to us right now.
      I’m pretty confident that with time and the full results, we will find our way through all of this.

      Like

    • Thank you for your love and support today and always. And, thank you for taking the time to share so much yesterday – you are right, there is hope somewhere in all of this.

      Like

  3. You know I have been holding you and your mister in my thought and hearts for some time now and more than ever the past few days. The one thing that strikes me having spent time with you recently and reading this post is that beyond pragmatism, you two are incredibly sober and stoic. I’m not a fan of being called stoic myself as though it’s a badge of honour so please know that I’m not saying that to compliment you. I’m saying it because beneath all of your pragmatism, I am a little worried about you and your fella emotionally. This is devastating and my heart is aching for you both. At the same time, like you, I see a shard of light sneaking through the darkness. This may be a window into another world. I have a strong sense that there will be children in your lives. How, I do not know. It’s just my feeling at this point. I also *know* you will find a path for yourself from all of this. You will move into a new chapter in your life and hope will emerge again from that cocoon. Meanwhile, I am sending warm hugs and much love to you both.

    Like

    • Incredibly sober and stoic, eh? I guess we are pretty easy to read! And, I love that you added that this is not a compliment – clearly you know me well! 🙂
      I would have to acknowledge that we both stayed away from becoming absorbed in the preliminary results while we were in NYC. Before we left for NYC, we decided to enjoy our mini vacation – for us, this meant we focused on exploring the city together and enjoying our time with you rather then hiding in our hotel room and curling up in a ball and crying. I am pretty sure that at some point, I will curl up in a ball and cry. But, it just hasn’t happened yet.
      That said, yesterday we spent the day curled up on the couch, we talked a bit more about all of this and what it means to us. We still have no answers, and we both know we have to wait for the comprehensive test results before we can move forward with anything. So, for now, we wait and we work to brace ourselves for the probable outcome.
      And thank you so much for everything.

      Like

  4. When we perceive the end to be in sight, sometimes we run to it, other times we slow it down to truly evaluate whether we are ready to be done or not. Only you and your hubs will know. You’re right though- while it may be doable, the lengths and risks that it may take are great. A word about surrogates- a friend of mine in Ontario managed to find a surrogate by word of mouth. All she wanted was compensation for lost work time, medications, and inconvenience. It was highly legal, but I know it is much harder to find a surrogate in Canada because the surrogate “cannot be paid” for her role.

    Like

    • Thank you for your support and love. I’m not sure if we are running or moving slowly right now – maybe just evaluating? I think the wait for the full results will make us move slowly and evaluate all our options.
      As for surrogacy, it may be our best option. I love that your friend was able to find someone locally to make it work. i really haven’t even started to investigate this yet, so time will tell for us.

      Like

  5. I am so sorry. I was so hoping you would get some good answers from Dr. B. Although I am very sad that the answers weren’t what you hoped, I am happy that you did finally get some answers. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. If you do ultimately choose adoption, it looks like we will probably be going through the process together. Take care and pamper yourself these next few days/weeks as you take the time to figure it all out!

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement. While I think we are both sad, and angry with our current RE, it seems like we are both almost okay with what we heard. I’m not sure why, and maybe we will both have an emotional breakdown at some point over it all, but for now I think we are both a bit relieved.
      How far into the adoption process are you guys?

      Like

      • We are hoping to start in January. The agency we’ll go through only takes a certain number of families each year based on the numbers from the year before. This last year they picked 4 in January and 3 in July. If there’s more families than spots then they do a lottery pick so hopefully, we will get picked if that’s the case.

        Like

      • Oh, I so hope you get picked!!! I will absolutely be reading your next steps with keen interest. Who knows, we may be on the same path at the same time. 🙂

        Like

  6. Sending big love. In a way it’s almost harder to be told there is a solution…but you can’t have it. It just isn’t fair and that’s the truth of it. However, I don’t feel this is the end of your journey..maybe just some more doors closing. Give yourself some time..others will open xxxxx

    Like

    • My husband has said the exact same thing – it’s amazing that our decision will likely be purely a financial one. If emotions were not involved, neither of us would even consider spending the insane sums of money that may be required.
      Isn’t there an old saying that when one door closes, another one opens? Here’s to hoping.
      And thank you for your kind words and love. It is exactly what we need right now.

      Like

  7. This may be absolutely annoying random advice and I don’t know internationally which countries you would be looking at but I believe we have had excellent care here in sa and it would be a lot cheaper given your exchange rate. You could also get travel medical insurance which would presumably cover any hospitalization or emergencies. Worth investigating? I am sure you need time to process all of this though and so sorry you have received despairing news.

    Like

    • The problem we will face with travel medical insurance for anything pregnancy/fertility related is that it will be considered a per-existing condition and will be removed from any policy. Or, at least that’s been our experience so far trying to find a policy that will cover me.
      As for SA, it may be a great option. I haven’t even started digging into the options yet, but I know I will be soon enough. Thanks for the suggestion!

      Like

  8. As much as I hate to nitpick a detail in such an emotional post, medical tourism is a thing in the US (as you know). We can and do have temporary medical insurance to cover emergencies and such for medical tourists. If the surgery, and not all this other stuff is the issue, you could at least look into it.

    I am heartbroken for you. I am overwhelmed just reading this.

    Like

    • Thank you for the suggestion. We have actually looked into medical insurance to cover emergencies, but so far every company we have talked with will not cover anything pregnancy or infertility related as it is considered a per-existing condition. But, I will keep digging to see what we can come up with.

      Like

  9. I am so sorry that this is the news you’re having to face. Sending you abundant wishes for both clarity and peace.

    Like

  10. I’m so sorry that this was the outcome. I am happy for you, though, that you have answers and a reason to move on. I need reasons to give up on a dream so that I can pursue other dreams, so reading that you have what YOU need to move on made me feel calm for you. Sending love your way.

    Like

    • Thank you so much.
      I keep reminding myself that the answer was my first goal. While my heart will still ache, I know that without this information we would never be able to fully move on.

      Like

  11. Something about this post made me keep think of a quote that helped me so much after my miscarriage:

    “He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.”

    Now it just helps me through this process. Once a baby has a price tag (an emotional one, a financial one, a physical one) things get so complicated. Only you know how much you’re willing to pay but in the decision please don’t give up hope. There is always hope. Really. I’m sure of it. Sending my best wishes that you and your husband can float on that as you decide what’s next.

    Like

    • Thank you so much for sharing this quote – it is beautiful and rings so true in so many ways.
      And thank you for reminding me – “but in the decision please don’t give up hope. There is always hope. Really. I’m sure of it.” I have found myself holding onto hope so much in the last few years, and in the last few days I’ve been grasping to remain friends with hope. So, right now, your words are the perfect reminder for me.
      Thank you so incredibly much.

      Like

  12. I’m so very sorry to hear this hon, and beyond frustrated for you that these procedures and medications cost so much. I know it’s hard to look to the future right now, but I am still very hopeful that you will have your family one way or another too. I have no basis for this, except a feeling I have. Thinking about you and your husband and sending you strength as you get through this uncertain time. Hugs hug hon.

    Like

    • As we are potentially looking at a price tag of well over $100,000, just for another try without any guarantees, I too am beyond frustrated. I’m not sure why, but we were both expecting something more affordable (i.e. 20-30K) – which is still a pretty big price tag, but not out of the ordinary for infertility people.
      Anyways, thank you so much for all your hope and love. I do not know what our future will look like, but I do know we are both so grateful for all of your love and support and encouragement as we work to traverse this obstacle course.

      Like

  13. I’m really sorry your path seems long and winding right now. It sounds like you’ve got some answers but the solutions are less than ideal. How cruel life is to dangle the carrot. Hoping you’re able to process the info and options in the days coming and find peace with whatever decision you go with. Thinking of you 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your thoughts. You are so right, that life seems cruel right now. Yet, I know with time, we will come to a place of peace with the decision we make. We are not there yet, but I feel as though we do have a clearer indication of what is to come.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I am so sorry to hear that it’s looking to be near impossible to have a biological child. My heart aches for you. Do not give up on the hope of becoming parents. There is still a way. I hope that some miracle presents itself to make your next step an obvious and easy choice.

    Like

  15. Hmm…I read this post first thing this morning and I have waited to comment because initially I wasn’t sure what to say. Two things immediately came to my mind after reading your post and I haven’t been able to shake them since so I’m just going to post it…

    1. It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop.

    2. Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ~Matthew 19:26

    There are somethings that we can’t do that only God can do. Nothing is to hard (Genesis 18:14) or impossible (Luke 1:37) for him to do for you.

    Sending you lots of hugs sugars! Take it one day at a time and remember…BREATH.

    XO

    Like

    • Thank you so much Elisha – I was hoping you’d share your words of wisdom with me. thank you so much. 🙂
      Right now, I don’t really know what not stopping actually means to us. See, the thing with RPL is that if we don’t actually truly stop, we will just continue to go through more miscarriages. So, maybe what you are saying is that we look at other options. I just don’t know right now.
      And, yes, breathing is important. I will continue to work on remember this point, as clearly I have a tendency to struggle to remember it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I guess don’t stop believing…don’t stop pursuing your dream of motherhood…don’t stop finding answers…don’t stop hoping for a healthy pregnancy…don’t stop believing that miracles happen everyday…don’t stop believing that you can have a miracle…don’t stop positive thinking…don’t stop positive talking…don’t stop even if you do all these things at a snails pace. I know you have been through so much heartache and you say that if you don’t stop then you WILL have more miscarriages…but I don’t think it is 100 percent…you MIGHT have more miscarriages and then again you might not. My cousin had three before finally giving birth. My youth pastor had four before giving birth…and I just posted a testimony of a woman who had 13 before giving birth. I can’t imagine going through that many but you have to hold onto the hope that every pregnancy is different and that it’s another chance to bring into this world a healthy baby. I’m praying for healing of your body and that you will have the wisdom on what next steps to take.

        Like

      • Thank you so much Elisha for your thoughts – “don’t stop believing…don’t stop pursuing your dream of motherhood…don’t stop finding answers…don’t stop hoping for a healthy pregnancy…don’t stop believing that miracles happen everyday…don’t stop believing that you can have a miracle…don’t stop positive thinking…don’t stop positive talking…don’t stop even if you do all these things at a snails pace”.
        I have no doubt I will find myself re-reading this comment in the weeks to come.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. I know the feeling of seeing the end, and it breaks my heart that you are now in that position. I’m so sorry. I know you’re still toying with the idea of adoption. If you want to talk to me about my experiences so far please feel free. I’m here for you. Xoxo

    Like

    • Thank you so much. I suspect in the next week or two or three, we will begin to re-immerse ourselves in the world of adoption, so I greatly appreciate your offer. Thank you.

      Like

  17. It breaks my heart for you that this attainable goal is largely based on financial means. It’s just so unfair that it take so much effort, time, and money for some people to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I hope for a solution for you.. and I am praying for a miracle that there will be a breakthrough somewhere may it be finances or health-wise. ❤

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your hope. We do firmly believe there will be a solution, but with a price tag of another try likely being over $100,000 we know it will not be something we choose. So, we will hope that something presents itself and we find an answer in all of this.
      Thank you.

      Like

  18. Oh honey I’m so sorry your in this hopeless place. Your circumstances are extraordinarily complex, I havnt the faintest idea what your going though, yet I feel sad and angry for you and your hubby. I hope a loving friend can be your surrogate or that a baby in need of loving parents is out there just waiting for YOU. XO

    Like

  19. I so hope for a miracle for you, I am on the other side of the issue now, due to health and finances, neither treatment or adoption is an option. I still pray for a miracle for you, but know that if you ever need to talk to someone who now has had to learn to make a life without a child, please just let me know. Not having children is not something you get over, as I am sure ppl will tell you if this ends up being the case, its a life time of learning to let go of the memories that will never be and the moments you will ever have. Having said that there is joy, it can be done, it just has a heard learning curve…. sending hugs and prayers

    Like

    • Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Thank you so much.
      My husband and I have often had similar conversations – we will work to make a happy life in spite of all of this. We will work to have joy and love in our lives, always knowing that something is missing. Heck, we’ve already been doing it for a few years now, but the difference now is that we know it might be forever. We now know that our childless state may not be temporary.
      Again, thank you!

      Like

  20. I am so sorry to read about this!! I can only imagine what you’re going through. I hope you can find some peace, and find hope again. Sending you lots of prayers!! xo

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your thoughts and kindness. I am so truly grateful for the encouragement and love I have been shown as we traverse such a difficult time. Thank you.

      Like

  21. Pingback: Our Preliminary Reproductive Immunology Findings | My Perfect Breakdown

  22. My heart was sinking and breaking as I read this post. I’m so sorry. I really do believe there will be a happy ending at the end of this though, even if the form it takes is not what you originally imagined. I think with time your heart will eventually lead you there. But for now, I think it’s great to be spending quality time with your husband and taking the time you need to process all this new information. You will find your hope again. xoxo

    Like

  23. Pingback: Can I Have A Road Map To Life? Please. | My Perfect Breakdown

Thoughts? I love hearing from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: