As an established expert in recurrent pregnancy loss and miscarriage, I have a lot of opinions / thoughts / experiences in baby loss. And now as we venture further and further into the adoption world, I have started to discover the similarities between recurrent pregnancy loss and adoption.
Both Processes Are All Consuming
Trying to conceive, waiting for miscarriages to physically occur and working through the emotional recovery is all consuming. It takes over every aspect of your life – your life becomes defined by medical appointments and medical procedures, trying not to drive ourselves crazy during the two week wait, scheduled sex, eating the right foods, not eating the bad foods, limiting/eliminating our physical activity, etc. Long term life planning is virtually impossible because of thoughts like what if I’m pregnant or what if we are having another miscarriage or what if I’m on bed rest due to a high risk pregnancy.
The adoption process is slow and complicated.
It seems to take over your thoughts and mind. You need to be ready to answer questions and submit more information when needed and because you don’t want to slow the process down, you want to do it right away. Your life becomes defined by trying to enable and facilitate the adoption process as quickly as possible. Long term planning becomes difficult, because you don’t want to be away from cell phone reception in case you get the call.
Both Make You Feel Like You are Fighting An Uphill Battle
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Part of why we stopped trying naturally was that we were sick of fighting our provincial medical system in Canada that does not support recurrent pregnancy loss. There is no active research happening here and the doctors do not “believe” the modern research being conducted in other countries. We were left to figure out how to have miscarriages with virtually no support. We were left trying to navigate our own health care by reading academic journals and seeking out the right doctors. We were left to chart uncharted territory with virtually no support.
And now we are fighting the adoption process. We are expected to jump through hoops that at times feel insane, just to be told we are not able to complain or voice concerns. It really feels like a one sided process in which we are expected to give everything of ourselves and just hope for a positive outcome. Communication between us and our agency hasn’t always been great, and it just leaves us frustrated.
You know what, I’m sick of the feeling of battling the system. I’m sick and tired of constantly feeling like I’m battling with the world to try to create our family. Some days I just want to throw a temper-tantrum because I am so frustrated by all of this. Anyone going through either of these processes, becomes well versed in sorting through masses of paperwork and researching the pros and cons of how to proceed. I know it will be worth it in the end, but it would be nice if it weren’t so frustrating.
All You Do is Make Hard, Life Altering Decisions.
When you are facing miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss, all you do is make decisions. What type of miscarriage should we have – D&C, misoprostol/cytotec, or natural? Should we terminate for medical reasons? Should we try again? What type of medical approach should we take for our next approach? What diagnostic procedures should we have done? What doctor should we see? How much can we afford to spend on treatment?
When it comes to adoption, we are making equally hard decisions. What type and how much substance abuse should we accept? Where should we adopt from? What type of birth defects should we accept? What races are we open to? Can we handle an open adoption?
Both Can be Incredibly Expensive.
The further we got into our recurrent pregnancy loss experience, we began to look at how our next steps will be impacted by money. How much can we afford to spend on our next attempt at a healthy pregnancy? Can we afford IVF with PGD, if we want to take that route? Can we afford international surrogacy? Can we afford out of country private medical expenses? How much are we willing to spend on medical treatments?
Adoption, is also potentially very expensive. Even the “affordable” domestic adoption route will cost nearly $15,000. For us, we had to look at can we afford the increase cost of international adoption? How much can we afford to spend on birth mother expenses? Can we afford the costs to travel internationally to finalize the adoption? Long term, will be able to afford to take our child back to wherever they were born?
They Share The Ultimate Goal of Having Children.
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Anyone willing to subject themselves and their marriage to multiple consecutive losses and hundreds upon hundreds of medical tests and procedures must be desperate to be parents and to have children and a family.
Similarly anyone who is willing to subject themselves to the agony of the adoption process is also desperate to grow their family – sharing of the most intimate personal details and opening ourselves up to the scrutiny, the waiting, the intense paperwork, etc.
Anyone choosing either of these paths either desperately wants to be parents or they are just insane. Some days I think it has to do with some sort of insanity; however, most days I think it’s a more about a deep seeded desire to share their love and compassion with another human being and help them grow and develop. So, today, I choose to believe that all of our heartache will be worth it in the end.
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I am a pretty nice person. I almost always go out of my way to accommodate other people. In fact, I have done it so many times that I am an expert at saying yes, regardless of the resulting outcome for me. I struggle to say no, and struggle to develop and maintain boundaries. For example,
- Professionally if I’m asked to work on something, I do. Even if I’ve already put in 60 hours that week, I will give up sleep or even my weekend to get the new additional task completed, because really, why wouldn’t I want to work 70-80 hours a week? And, I will do it perfectly. I will never half-ass something, I will truly do it flawlessly or as close to flawlessly as humanly possible. The odd time I may ask for support at work, but I’ve learned that regardless of where I work, the request will fall on deaf ears. So, I continue to be asked and I continue to say yes. I will probably complain to Mr. MPB, but I can essentially guarantee that it will be completed perfectly and no-one outside of my house will know the implications to my personal well-being.
- Personally, if a loved one asks for help, I will be there in a flash. If someone is in the hospital, I will go visit to help them pass the time and bring flowers of course. If someone needs a ride somewhere, I will drive out of my way to pick them up and drop them off. Or maybe if someone just wants to meet up for a friendly coffee to say hello, I will rearrange my schedule to make it fit there’s.
You see, I have a problem. I am a people pleaser. I do anything and everything to please other people.
This has resulted in compromising my own health. In the past I have had an ulcer. I have laid awake in the middle of the night having panic attacks. I have stopped taking much need pain medication in order to stay on top of something at work. I have worked through miscarriages, only taking one day off for a D&C surgery. I have hopped on a plane and flown part way across the country because someone is not well.
Once we started down the road of multiple miscarriages, eventually it became too much for me to handle. Something had to give, so I eventually walked away from work. It was hard at first, but today I can honestly say that about 90% of the time I’m really glad I did it. And, I’m really glad I took the risk of unemployment over working in a very unhealthy office. In fact, some days I even feel empowered by my new found ability to stand up for myself.
But here’s the thing, I’m still compromising myself constantly in my personal life.
Most recently, I asked my parents to attend an event with Mr. MPB and I. It was an important event to us. We invited them as our guests and as such would have bought their tickets. We wanted them to share in this event as it is significant to our lives.
They were unable to join us due to travel plans which had them out of the country, which I completely understood. However, as life unfolded their plans changed and they become available. Yet, instead of saying yes to us, they made plans to visit one of my siblings at the exact same time.
It is not often I reach out, but given how important this was to me, I was devastated when I discovered they were available and they did not choose me. Now, I’m not saying that they should visit us at the expense of another sibling, but I am saying that the event we invited them to was a once a year, big deal kind of thing. My sibling would have been there any other day of the year.
Needless to say, and the point of this ramble is that, I’m getting really tired of being disappointed by other people who do not seem to be able to return the favour when I need/want them in my life.
By no means am I saying that I am writing people off entirely for not answering the call when we ask. But, in this moment, I’m thinking maybe it’s time for me to stop jumping every time someone asks me, and instead maybe I need to start asking myself if I have the time and energy to do what they are requesting. Maybe it’s time for me to start putting myself first when it comes to people I love (funny thing, just writing that made me feel guilty).
I’m sick of feeling let down. And I’m tired of being hurt by those I love and sacrifice myself for.
I need to find some sort of balance, but does that mean it’s really a good idea to close myself off to those I love? I don’t have the answer right now, but I do know that it’s on my mind a lot these days.
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My Perfect Breakdown 