I have focused so much on all our big decisions, fears, frustrations and stress surrounding adoption lately, so today I want to share some of the things about adoption that I am incredibly excited about. First, I need to acknowledge that this list all about me and Mr. MPB. It is a completely selfish and a somewhat silly list. I promise, I will talk about all the adoption positive for others involved in adoption at a later date. And I have no doubt I will also talk about more frustrations and annoyances too as we continue to work our way through the process.
- Providing a loving and safe home and family to a child(ren). We are not going into adoption with the attitude of trying to save the world, but it is pretty awesome knowing that we will get to raise a child who needed us, just as much as we needed them.
- I will not have to lose pregnancy weight. While I am still dealing with the physical effects of 5 miscarriages in 2.5 years and no exercise through most of it, it’s not the same as having to lose 20-30 (or more) pounds.
- I won’t have to recovery from pregnancy, while trying to handle our first child. I get to skip all that, and just go straight into being a mother. Sure, I still won’t get to sleep through the night, but I will get to feel healthy from the very first moment that our child arrives in our arms.
- The traits we never wanted to pass onto our children (i.e. my bad eye sight, my uncooperative complexion, etc.) will be gone. (This one has some mixed emotions attached to it, but since I’m only focusing on the positive today I will leave it at this).
- MPB will be just as important in the child’s life as I will be. In addition to all the parenting stuff like changing diapers, Mr. MPB will be an equal partner in feeding our child. We will both be equally critical to our child, and so we will truly be parenting together.
- While we work our way through the adoption process, we are living again. I can have a glass of wine when I want to, we are exercising 5-6 times a week, we are planning weekend getaways whenever we want, etc. We are enjoying our freedom and childfree status while we can, because we know at some point soon enough our lives will be dictated by the needs of a little person.
- We get to focus on hope. Even on days when the process is wearing on us, we always see the light at the end of the tunnel! After so many losses and struggles, knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel is incredibly refreshing.
- Because we have chosen open adoption, our child will be surrounded by love. They will know our love, the love of their birth parents and potentially even their extended birth family.
- We get to create our own family story. When you have children the normal way, your family story is normal. And one of the biggest bonuses about people not understanding adoption is that we get to dictate our family story as we explain adoption. Once this was pointed out to me, I started to get really excited about all the possibilities because I’m never one to do things the traditional way!!
- Our baby! We will get our child(ren) and our family! (This might be similar to number one, but I think it’s worth mentioning again).
Photo Source: Adapted from Office.com Clip Art
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We just passed the 2nd year anniversary of our 2nd loss, and my first ever surgery. My first ever surgery was my first D&C after the unsuccessful use of misoprostol.
In a few days we will pass the 1st anniversary of our first, only and subsequently last good news ultrasound when we saw a healthy fetal heart rate. When we were so full of hope that it was finally our turn and this baby would live.
In a few more days we will celebrate my birthday.
And then, just 2 days later we will pass the 1st anniversary of finding out our healthy and hopeful 4th baby died.
Needless to say, the next few weeks will be full of hard moment and triggers. February is no longer a month I enjoy as I now despise Valentines Day and my birthday is something I seem to dread. The celebration this year will be the fact that we will not be watching or expecting our baby to die.
.
With all of our positive pregnancy tests, I never once bought any baby stuff to celebrate our baby, our excitement or our hopes. I was too scared to jinx it and I just didn’t.
With all of our countless ultrasounds, I have never once been given or asked for an ultrasound picture of any of our babies.
With each of our five losses, I threw out each pee stick as quickly as I saw the results. And I almost never peed on a stick more then once once after a positive result as I learned very early to rely on beta results.
The only memento I have to signify our losses is a list of dates in my notes app on my cell phone. 2.5 years of my life tracked based on CD 1, positive OPK’s, beta results, procedure results, thyroid test results, confirmed fetal demise dates, surgery dates, etc. I’ve thought many times about deleting it, but sadly it’s all I have and I just cannot bring myself to push delete.
Really, all I have to show for everything we have been though and all five of our losses is mine and Mr. MPB’s silently beating broken hearts.
.
I have never been one to keep mementos and stuff. After the loss of my mom and sister I made a point not to attach meaning to stuff as to prevent a war with my brother who valued stuff. And, to this day I firmly believe that stuff does not bring us closer to those we have lost, rather we keep those we have lost in our memories and in our hearts.
But today, I wish I had something. I wish I had some visible reminder of our lost babies – not for other people, but just for me as I remember what was and what will never be. It has been suggested that I get a tattoo, plant a tree or buy a piece of jewelry. But honestly, I’m not a fan of pain or permanent ink and I cannot see how me killing a tree would be anything more then ironic. Maybe one day I’ll splurge and get a necklace or a ring with 5 interwoven bands and then maybe one day find a way to integrate our future adopted children’s birth stones into it somehow – a subtle tribute to our family that I can carry with me daily. But for now that’s just a dream, as I am way to practical to spend our pennies on something for me, when we need to focus on saving for our adoption.
So, as we get through the next few weeks, my focus will be on holding a special place in my heart for all the memories we have – the happy moments when we celebrated life and dreamed about our future, and the sad moments when we said goodbye much to soon. As I have nothing to signify my babies, I will focus on the fact that we hold our babies in our hearts today and everyday. And, really, that’s all that matters.
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