As we went into Father’s Day this year, I refused to focus on the negatives. As you know, my husband is a father, just none of his children are living.

I refused to let this year be a repeat of last year, a day where I felt bad for what I could not give him. A day where I felt bad for what we have lost. A day where he didn’t seem to bothered by it, and I did.

Honestly, I don’t think Mr. MPB is bothered by father’s day in quite the same way as I am bothered by mother’s day. I think, his perception has always been more of I will be a father one day, and until then I’m not going to dwell on a Hallmark day.

Now, I’m not positive, he’s never come out and said that to me. Yet, based on his mannerisms and attitude towards life, I don’t think he internalizes the day to represent what we have lost and what we do not have yet. Maybe this is one of those man vs. women differences? Or maybe just a Mr. MPB vs. Mrs. MPB difference. I don’t really know.

Regardless of how we internalize these dates differently, I had plans for Father’s Day. In fact, I had grand plans:

• I plan to celebrate him, as my husband and the father of our children who did not survive to take their first breaths.
• I plan to celebrate that he will be a father to a living child, soon enough. If all goes well with our adoption, he may be a father by this time next year!
• I plan to celebrate him as a wonderful man. A man with the heart of a father who is ready to welcome our child into his life. A man who cares deeply and loves even deeper.  The man I love with every bit of my being.

So this year, we did not hide from Father’s Day. Instead, we spent father’s day doing something he loves.  Essentially, my celebration of him was to give him a day of enjoyment. This means we spent the day hiking in the mountains. The mountains always bring us a sense of calm and peace. So, inevitably a day hiking in the mountains meant that we were both happy and chill.

For me, there was immense meaning in the day, because I didn’t hide from it – I was able to accept the day without having an emotional breakdown.  However, for him it was a subtle celebration because when I said a simple happy fathers day to him he looked at me like I had three heads.

Honestly, this year was different because I know that we will have a baby one day – adoption gives us this certainty, it’s just a matter of time. Second, this year was different because I have come to a place where I’m done letting societal pressure tell us how we should and should not feel. We may not have children to spend the day with, but we will enjoy father’s day in our very own way. Mr. MPB deserve as much, and quite frankly, so does every other man who holds the dreams of his child(ren) in his heart not his arms.

If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.