I’ve had this thought from time to time, and today it’s in my mind again. It’s a simple thought:
Our Child May Already Be Conceived
That’s just weird to think about. Most parents, they know when their child is conceived, but not us. That’s completely out of our hands and we wont know until our child is almost born.
Because we are doing open infant adoption we know that our child is not already alive and waiting at least in the sense that they are living in a foster home or an orphanage. But, they are very likely already alive and waiting in their very own way.
We have no idea where or how far along, but there is a real chance that our child is already alive. He or she could already be 2 months along, or maybe 6, or even 8. Heck, for all we know, our child could be born today or tomorrow.
This is a very weird realization. To sit back and think that our child may very well already be out there. Our child may be growing away and we have no idea. And we have no ability to help him or her to flourish.
On one hand, I almost feel a sense of being stuck, as I want to help, but yet I cannot. I have no ability to drop from the sky and offer our future birth mom some vitamins or a safe roof over her head, not yet. Maybe one day we will help contribute to this, but today, we just wait. And I guess now that this realization has really hit me, I also try not to obsesses over it. I have to hope that our future birth mom is taking care of herself and our shared child. I have to hope that she is doing everything she can to give this child the best start in life. I have to hope.
And at the same time, the greater part of me feels a bit nervous and excited and even a bit terrified because the fact that our child may already be conceived means our child could join our lives at anytime! Which would be absolutely amazing. And yet, we still have so much stuff to get and do. And the idea of actually being a parent is terrifying. And so I find that I am reminding myself that we have more then things then many people have when their child arrives and a whole heck of a lot more then cavemen ever had, so we can do it. We will be okay if we get the call tomorrow and in fact I’d much rather get the call tomorrow then have to wait another year or two.
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I try really hard not to blame myself for the fact that we cannot have a biological child. I know my body is the cause, this is a fact. But I also know that it’s not my choice, as in this isn’t something I chose to do. Nor is it something I have the ability to control. And yet regardless of this we know, without a doubt, that it is my body with the fault. My body is to blame.
I try not to dwell in this knowledge. Nothing good comes from it.
Yet, what still brings me deep sadness is the realization that my body is the reason that my husband cannot have a biological child. As his brother just welcomed their first child, I cannot help but face the reminder that my body will not allow this to be part of his life. And this causes me to feel sorrow and frustration.
I now that if he married virtually anyone else, he could have a biological child. If he chose someone else he wouldn’t be struggling to pay expensive adoption bills. If he chose someone else, he could have a normal family. Really, if he chose someone else to love, he could have a different future. (I do realize this is an unfair perspective, and it’s a glass half-empty perspective, but that’s where my mind is right now, so I’m not going to force the other side that says there is no such thing as normal, a different future isn’t necessarily a good thing, etc.)
I struggle to work through these thoughts. Rationally, I know that we are okay even after losing 5 babies and that’s pretty amazing. I know that we can get through whatever we face in life, because we’ve already survived so much. And I know that our story and our child’s story will be equally amazing, even though it’s different and the fact that we get to be the author’s of our story is pretty amazing. And, I know we will have child(ren), and that it will be awesome.
But yet, I still wish that I could have done the one thing my body was supposed to do. I still wish that I could have given him a child. I still wish that my body didn’t take away the lives of our children and put us through hell. I still wish we could have held our babies in our arms. I still wish…
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My Perfect Breakdown 