We had five losses.
A few bad doctors and one really smart one.
We learned that my body is unlikely to ever support a healthy full-term pregnancy without significant medical intervention with a hefty price tag and no guarantees.
We stopped trying.
But did I give up?
No, I don’t believe for a second that I gave up. And I don’t believe others who stop trying are giving up. In fact, I don’t believe anyone is beaten by infertility unless they choose to be.
I don’t think the decision to stop living a life consumed by recurrent pregnancy loss and/or infertility is a a negative choice, which the term giving up implies to me. For me, the decision to stop was a choice based in our decision to salvage what was left of our mental health and physical health. A decision based in recognizing that we needed to start rebuilding our lives, and our marriage.
For me, this decision, regardless of what we chose next, was a healthy decision and had nothing to do with giving up. I was not beaten by recurrent pregnancy loss. And I promise myself I will never sit down and count myself as a victim of circumstances beyond my control.
For us, we ended up choosing a different course of action. We chose open adoption. Others may choose surrogacy or a gestational carrier. And others yet may choose to live childless/childfree. Others may turn to donor egg or donor sperm. And others may choose to take a break and try again at a later date.
But, I do not believe for a second that any of these choices are a choice based in giving up.
Rather, for most of us, I think our choices are based in the realities we face which are often complex and intense with logic and emotion battling constantly.
For us, we embraced our reality, even if it wasn’t the exact reality I grew up dreaming about. We learned to live within our reality. Or rather, we are learning to live within our reality and to own our situation. We made choices and we continue to choose to be happy with those choices.
So, I refuse to say that I gave up.
And, I refuse to say anyone who stopped trying gave up.
Instead, I think we as society, need to celebrate those who make difficult decisions and attempt to figure out what is best for them today and into the future, regardless of what they choose.
We are all unique. Our choices are individual. And I for one believe we should celebrate this.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
An Observation:
I’ve done nothing baby related for a while now. We have not unwrapped the gifts we have received and/or items we have purchased on our own. Nothing. Instead the nursery looks like a bomb blew up in it as it’s become a dump spot for everything baby related.
I don’t know, after I opened the amazon boxes and saw what was in them, I put everything in the nursery and I stopped. I was beyond touched and thrilled, but yet I couldn’t bring myself to actually open each item. Maybe, I refused to take things out of the original packaging because of the fear that something could still go wrong? Or maybe, I’m still afraid of the actual physical space that is the nursery? Or maybe I’m just lazy?
Additionally, a few months back we started setting aside a bit of money every month to continue to buy things for our baby. Sort of a smart way to keep getting the things we need. But, I noticed that I haven’t been buying anything for a while. No new purchases of any sort, practical or not. I’m not a great shopper and Mr. MPB is even worse then I am, so I’m not surprised we let this slide. But, I think by not buying things the excitement has dropped off. Maybe it’s that I’ve been too busy with work, or maybe I’ve been avoiding it. Once again, I don’t really know.
A Change:
I went into the room. For the first time, I sat down in the beautiful mid-century modern, 1960s original chair that I bought for the nursery (I still realize this chair may not work in reality, but I loved it and the only way I could justify buying it was for the nursery).
I texted a very special friend and sort of shared the big moment.
I began unpacking everything.
I expected to cry. I did not.
Instead, I smiled as I thought about how much baby stuff we have already accumulated, and yet smile again when I realized how much we still don’t have.
I was at peace as I opened all of the packaging and began a collection of packaging waste. And now, all the original packaging has been thrown out. Now, nohing can be returned just in case something goes wrong.
I laughed out loud as I remembered once saying “barring some sort of super human ability our child will need some sort of mechanism to get the formula into them.” Seriously, food items is the one thing we have a lot of now. Our child will be able to eat formula and even solids when the time comes!
I also realized our child now has a few toys and even a giant teddy bear. And bath time, it’s going to be fun!
I even went to the store and bought baby specific laundry detergent. Now, all the baby clothing and blankets we have collected are washed and ready to be worn. (Although still not folded, I still hate folding laundry).
And then I went online and bought a bunch of little things that we will likely need and/or really want when baby arrives – like pacifiers, a bottle brush and a baby thermometer. I realized having a few more basics on hand is probably smart.
And, while searching for things online I found something we don’t need- age blocks. I was slightly opposed to getting some because they have become a bit of fad and everyone seems to be doing it, but I found these natural ones fell in love, and I decided to jump on the bandwagon. They should arrive in a few days and I really hope they are as cute as I expect them to be.
A Realization:
I seem to be moving forward in baby steps.
I seem to embrace something, but then cannot move on to the next step.
It’s like I decide to do something and I do it. But then I stop, I freeze, and I have to build up the courage to do the next thing.
It’s all taking me time.
And I’m okay with that. I’ll take all the time in the world, because right now I have time.
If we get an instant placement or even a quick placement, then we’ll just have to step it up and plow through everything without hesitation. I’ll do it if I have to. But since I don’t have to right now, I wont force it.
A Question:
Sitting there, I also started to question what do we need for when we meet baby? We will be flying somewhere, and we need to bring some stuff with us as my priority is meeting baby not stopping at target right when our flight lands. So, I think we need to pack a bag of absolute necessities for when we fly to meet our baby. Sort of like a hospital bag for baby. Any suggestions on what we will need?
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 