All I want to do today is cry.  In fact, I’ve felt this way all week.  And yet, I have not cried this week and I probably wont cry today.

I have no real reason, I just feel like I’m on the verge of falling into a pathetic puddle of tears.

I suspect it has something to do with my busy work schedule, Mr. MPB’s busy work schedule, our bathroom reno, ongoing adoption waiting and my anxiety about Christmas this year.  Really, I think it’s all about the general speed of life these days and a general feeling of discontent.

I have not had time to sit back and take a deep breath.  We have not gone ice skating yet this year or even out to a pub to just sit down and laugh about nothing. I have not had time to enjoy a nice cup of tea or even just zone out and watch some useless TV.  I’m barely getting on the treadmill which makes me miserable.

And let’s not forget the state of the world.  It seems as though billionaires are donating tonnes of money to charity and innocent people are being tragically killed on what feels like a daily basis.  Hope and fear.  Love and hate.  Both reasons to cry and things I cannot change in my little life.

So, focusing on my life, in an attempt to reduce the demands on us, we’ve ordered pizza twice in the last week but the result of that is that I’m missing my home cooked meals.  My only attempt at relaxing in a warm bath involved reading for work, not my normal glass of wine (and it turns out reading for work in a bath entirely removes the relaxing benefits of said bath).

I clearly have issues with live-work balance.  This is an ongoing theme in my life.  I’m very much an all or nothing kind of girl and currently I’m in an all stage and trying to do everything.

I’m feel like I’m treading water in rough seas right now.  And yet, I have to keep treading.  We have to keep going right now, we need to keep working while we have the work to pay our adoption bills.  We need to keep renoing because our house is a disaster and we cannot stop mid project.  As for Christmas and family, I realize I cannot change it right now so I’m trying to put it out of my mind.  As I like to say, I’m practicing the Ostrich – sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it.

I’m trying to remember the end goal.  I’m trying to remember why we are doing this to ourselves.  I’m trying to remember that once we are holding our little baby, one day, this will be worth every moment of stress and anxiety.  I’m trying to just hold onto hope and take deep breathes when I have 10 seconds to sit or stand still.

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