All I Want To Do Is Cry

All I want to do today is cry.  In fact, I’ve felt this way all week.  And yet, I have not cried this week and I probably wont cry today.

I have no real reason, I just feel like I’m on the verge of falling into a pathetic puddle of tears.

20151130 - NoSundayFunDay_1I suspect it has something to do with my busy work schedule, Mr. MPB’s busy work schedule, our bathroom reno, ongoing adoption waiting and my anxiety about Christmas this year.  Really, I think it’s all about the general speed of life these days and a general feeling of discontent.

I have not had time to sit back and take a deep breath.  We have not gone ice skating yet this year or even out to a pub to just sit down and laugh about nothing. I have not had time to enjoy a nice cup of tea or even just zone out and watch some useless TV.  I’m barely getting on the treadmill which makes me miserable.

And let’s not forget the state of the world.  It seems as though billionaires are donating tonnes of money to charity and innocent people are being tragically killed on what feels like a daily basis.  Hope and fear.  Love and hate.  Both reasons to cry and things I cannot change in my little life.

20140722 - 100HappyDays - Week2_Day14So, focusing on my life, in an attempt to reduce the demands on us, we’ve ordered pizza twice in the last week but the result of that is that I’m missing my home cooked meals.  My only attempt at relaxing in a warm bath involved reading for work, not my normal glass of wine (and it turns out reading for work in a bath entirely removes the relaxing benefits of said bath).

I clearly have issues with live-work balance.  This is an ongoing theme in my life.  I’m very much an all or nothing kind of girl and currently I’m in an all stage and trying to do everything.

I’m feel like I’m treading water in rough seas right now.  And yet, I have to keep treading.  We have to keep going right now, we need to keep working while we have the work to pay our adoption bills.  We need to keep renoing because our house is a disaster and we cannot stop mid project.  As for Christmas and family, I realize I cannot change it right now so I’m trying to put it out of my mind.  As I like to say, I’m practicing the Ostrich – sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it.

I’m trying to remember the end goal.  I’m trying to remember why we are doing this to ourselves.  I’m trying to remember that once we are holding our little baby, one day, this will be worth every moment of stress and anxiety.  I’m trying to just hold onto hope and take deep breathes when I have 10 seconds to sit or stand still.

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42 Comments on “All I Want To Do Is Cry

  1. You have a lot of stuff to deal with all at once. It’s so hard when you know there’s too much but just no space to let anything go. I hope after the holidays you’re able to be relieved of family stress, at least for a bit, and that other things calm down too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am hoping this weekend you can have a bath, a glass of wine, a nice date with Mr MPB and maybe even a little mindless TV. The good stuff is ahead. Just keep muddling through. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bleh. Yes. This. I’ve totally felt like this. There are times where I believe the only way out of a crappy time is through it. There is nothing to “fix”. It all needs to get done. So you have to put on your big girl pants and muscle through it. I’m not saying you can’t do it without gin and/or a lot of crying, however.

    I have made a play list of songs about badassery, aptly named “Big Girl Pants.” Songs include “Make Them Gold” by Chvrches and “Pin Me Down” by Marina and the Diamonds. When all else fails, I just turn up the volume. 😉

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    • I am going straight to youtube to find these songs! I definitely need my big girl pants right now! And I’m not opposed to gin and/or crying my way through it, but through it I have to go. Thank you for your encouragement!

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  4. Well, you know I’m right there with you. I know you’re working a lot, and I know why you’re doing it and that it’s necessary, but you have to make sure to take care of yourself, too. Please, please, as MamaJo suggested, take some quiet time just for you this weekend. Yes, there are bathroom renos to be done, etc, but you are going to self combust if you don’t slow down, at least for an hour or two! I wish I could come over and make you and Mr. MPB a home-cooked meal. I’m a good cook when I stop being lazy and actually, you know, cook. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, self-combustion is probably not going to help either of us at this point in time! 🙂
      And you’ll be happy to know that we both fell asleep in front of the TV last night before 10pm and slept through the entire night! Mr. MPB got about 10 hours of sleep and I got just over 8. So, that should help us function a bit better. And, I think we are going out with friends to a pub tonight. Not a home cooked meal, but at least a break.
      P.S. I’ll take you up on that offer to cook one day. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you’re feeling pretty stressed and pretty tired out. Maybe it’s time for a days hiatus to just spend time with Mr mpd to reconnect? Or even take an hour, cook something easy and have a vino or two. You need to take care of yourself, too. Hugs and love.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I wish I could be there and just sit and chat. Hugs. I know its not easy, you are dealing with a lot, but take some time off. just you and mr MPB. Maybe a couples massage?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I hope you get some time to relax and de-stress soon. And maybe have a good cry. Sometimes it can do a lot of good to let it all out. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for reminding me that we all have these days and it’s okay. I think you are right, sometimes you just have to go with it and know that you’ll be okay in a day or two. Love to you my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hugs. I’ve definitely been there before! I hope you can find a little “me” time and decompress. You’ve got a lot on your plate! Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement. It turns out we both ended up sick this weekend so instead of doing everything on our to-do-list, we spent the weekend watching movies and sleeping. It was exactly what we needed.

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  9. Sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. There’s nothing wrong with having down days, or weeks even. You have a lot going on right now, and of course it’s stressful. You should make sure you take a day, or at least a few hours, for yourself and Mr and relax for a while. Hang out, cook a good meal together, don’t work or use your phones or computers for a while. Get out for a long walk with your dog. Unwind for a bit. It will make you feel better, I promise!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Amy! We both ended up sick this weekend so we did exactly what you suggested – hung out, not using our phones or computers and just watched movies and slept. It was really what we needed (except being sick of course).

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m glad you got some rest, sorry you’re sick though. I haven’t been feeling great for about a week now…it sucks! Hope you’re both feeling better soon!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Sending hugs. Hate that you are feeling this way and hope you can find some balance soon. You really need to make that time for YOU. Thinking of you, take care. ox

    Liked by 1 person

      • Sorry you were sick, but yes I guess it forced some time out! I hope you are feeling better. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I’ve already started reminding myself that every adoptive parent, without exception, says the wait was worth it. I know it will be for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I always find things accumulate all at once too. Treading water and burying my head in the sand is a skill Ive mastered this year. You must make time for yourself though, you’ll be no use to anyone if you run yourself into the ground. Take a ‘fun (half?) day’ with Mr MPB, talk, laugh, eat, drink, take time to reconnect before jumping back into those rough seas. Always praying for you x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I find your comment about running yourself into the ground a tad ironic as that’s exactly what happened. But on the positive side, being sick forced me to stop this weekend and just watch movies and sleep. Except for the part about being sick the weekend was what we needed.

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  13. Aww Friend, I am sorry things are rough going right now. You have so much going on and it’s hard to find the blessings when things are so crazy busy. I hope you are able to slow down soon and able to take an actual relaxing bath. Balance is such a hard thing sometimes. If you’re interested, there’s an excellent book that helps with finding balance. You can find it here: http://www.oolalife.com/store/ and it’s called “Oola: Find Balance in a Unbalanced World”.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m so sad to read this post. I feel like in many ways I’ve been there, and its so hard to get off the wheel even for an hour to relax. I know that you can’t stop working or the reno but do remember to ask for help wherever you can. Hopefully you’re surrounded by friends and family who will be there if you need them. As someone who’s not very good at asking for help I understand the desire to be able to achieve it all yourself but even people offering can make you feel better. But sometimes they won’t know you need help unless you ask so make sure you do (I tend to be very disappointed when I realise my family aren’t mind readers!) Good luck and hoping for a peaceful Christmas time ahead x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your positive encouragement! We are also horrible at asking for help. But, we actually did ask Mr. MPB’s parents, who have done a lot of these projects, for help with the bathroom reno months ago and they said no it wasn’t worth a trip to visit. But, once we got started a few weeks ago, we asked a friend and he’s been an absolute lifesaver. We honestly wouldn’t even have the floor and walls if it weren’t for him!

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