How in the world is it already December 21st? Christmas Eve is literally 3 days away. 2016, a new year, is only 11 days away.
I’m a bit shocked how quickly December has passed us by. Yet, when I think about the fact that we’ve been working countless hours, we’ve both been sick with a near deadly man cold and in our spare time we’ve been doing a major home reno nearly entirely on our own, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I always find when I’m busy, time just flies by.
With the exception of one string of Christmas lights in a tree outside, we have not decorated for Christmas this year. And now with only 3 days left until Christmas Eve I will admit that I miss our Christmas tree. But, I’m still not regretting my decision not to decorate. First, I feel like putting the effort into decorating would have just been one too many things for me to do this month. We’ve been going 24/7 for a few weeks now and I just don’t think I would have enjoyed the process of decorating.
And second, I think the most important reason I am okay with not decorating is, that I have still thoroughly enjoyed the Christmas spirit. All month long I’ve had some fun putting together an epic gift basket for an amazing friend and her partner. I am so excited to give it to them because I think they are going to love it! And, we’ve also been to a few Christmas parties and enjoyed the decorating efforts of others. And of course we’ve been enjoying a few good Christmas themed meals too.
As we are not doing anything with either of our out of town families for Christmas, our plan for Christmas Eve is to make a nice dinner for the two of us with some sort of different and creative protein. This is a bit of a tradition for us because every year we do something different. Last year we cooked a goose, the year before a pheasant, and before that a duck. This year I’m thinking Partridge, if I can find one. And on Christmas Day my amazing friend has asked us to join her family for dinner.
Without the Christmas decorations it’s a very a different Christmas then what we’ve become accustomed to, but we’ve still been having fun and enjoying ourselves. And I have to admit, I’m exhausted from everything so far this month and so I’m already slightly excited to not have to un-decorate.
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Some days deserve a moment of reflection. And today, is one of those days.
Today marks the day I married the most amazing man in the world.
Little did I know, our wedding would mark the start of a journey neither of us ever wanted. Little did we know that in an effort to have children we would walk through hell together. We literally spent a few years watching multiple babies die, and we even choose to terminate one life in an effort to preserve my health and life.
We both dreamed of spending our lives with children. Mr. MPB is meant to be a father. He is kind, loving and kids just love him. Knowing that my body is the reason we cannot have children has been hard. But, knowing that I am not able to give him the child he has always dreamed of has been one of the hardest things for me to accept.
It breaks my heart and it’s almost broken my soul.
Yet, his love hasn’t faltered.
He loves me regardless of my ability to procreate. He has stood by me and stood with me, through all of it. He has held my hand through countless procedures. He has been at every single appointment. He held me when I cried. He has worked hard so that I could leave my job in an effort to deal with the mental health consequences of our losses. He has made me laugh when I never thought I could laugh again. He has wiped away more tears then I can ever count.
Needless to say, in the last few years it hasn’t always been easy. In fact, we’ve had a lot of bad days. We’ve argued. We’ve disagreed. But, we’ve always come back together and stood by each other.
Every single day, I am reminded of why I love this man and why I want to spend my life with him. And why I want to continue trying to build our family through adoption. One day, some how, our dreams will come true.
Marriage isn’t always easy. Miscarriage is hard. Multiple miscarriage is damn hard. And while I would never have signed up to walk this path and lose our 5 precious lives, I’m thankful I’ve been walking with Mr. MPB at my side.
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My Perfect Breakdown 