Some days deserve a moment of reflection. And today, is one of those days.
Today marks the day I married the most amazing man in the world.
Little did I know, our wedding would mark the start of a journey neither of us ever wanted. Little did we know that in an effort to have children we would walk through hell together. We literally spent a few years watching multiple babies die, and we even choose to terminate one life in an effort to preserve my health and life.
We both dreamed of spending our lives with children. Mr. MPB is meant to be a father. He is kind, loving and kids just love him. Knowing that my body is the reason we cannot have children has been hard. But, knowing that I am not able to give him the child he has always dreamed of has been one of the hardest things for me to accept.
It breaks my heart and it’s almost broken my soul.
Yet, his love hasn’t faltered.
He loves me regardless of my ability to procreate. He has stood by me and stood with me, through all of it. He has held my hand through countless procedures. He has been at every single appointment. He held me when I cried. He has worked hard so that I could leave my job in an effort to deal with the mental health consequences of our losses. He has made me laugh when I never thought I could laugh again. He has wiped away more tears then I can ever count.
Needless to say, in the last few years it hasn’t always been easy. In fact, we’ve had a lot of bad days. We’ve argued. We’ve disagreed. But, we’ve always come back together and stood by each other.
Every single day, I am reminded of why I love this man and why I want to spend my life with him. And why I want to continue trying to build our family through adoption. One day, some how, our dreams will come true.
Marriage isn’t always easy. Miscarriage is hard. Multiple miscarriage is damn hard. And while I would never have signed up to walk this path and lose our 5 precious lives, I’m thankful I’ve been walking with Mr. MPB at my side.
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