Having a little baby and being unable to pick them up for over a week has been interesting to say the least.

1. I feel unbelievably selfish and guilty for deciding to have this surgery while Baby MPB is so young.  When I let the guilt voice speak to me it says I let my own desires trump my child’s needs. His basic need for care and attention took a backseat to my desire for a breast reduction.  If I could turn back time I would have had this surgery when I was 20, but if I could turn back time I’d also do a whole host of other things too.  And the fact is, no matter how I look at it, I do not have the ability to turn back time. Honestly though, I’m trying not to let that guilt voice have control.  The fact is, while I may not be picking him up or holding him, I am still interacting with him – I read stories, I change diapers, I prepare his bottles, I put him to bed, I sooth him when he wakes in the middle of the night, I tickle him, I kiss him, etc.  And the fact is, others are taking care of feeding him and transporting him around the house/community so he is absolutely having all his needs met and exceeded.
2. I think the hardest thing for me is knowing that he is unhappy and simply wants to be held, and I cannot do it.  Instead, I have to call Mr. MPB or whomever is helping out at the time.  I hate that I am not able to just pick him myself.
3. I remind myself that in the scheme of his life these few weeks really wont matter.  In a months time or even in 5 years time he will not remember any of this.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he hasn’t even noticed a change in the last week.
4. I miss my little boy snuggles.  7 days post surgery I accidentally picked him up while changing him (old habits die hard), and as of today I’ve started picking him up regularly as I seem to be able to lift him without problems (except not out of pack n’ play or his crib, the upward motion just isn’t going to happen yet).  But, even so, I’m petrified of him wiggling and knocking into one of the incision lines which are still pretty sensitive and sore.  His entire body wiggles all the time now and I just know I’m going to get nailed and it’s going to send pain shooting through my entire body.  So, I am still not feeding him or snuggling him the way I’d like to.
5. I love not getting up at Baby MPB’s natural wake-up time of 5:30am. I wont lie, I’m loving not doing the morning shift.  I still get up to help sooth him during the middle of the night, if necessary.  But, I cannot confidently lift Baby MPB out of the crib yet, which means I cannot do the wake-up feed, and after being so tired lately from a few week string of bad nights, I am very selfishly loving the sleep.  Honestly, since my surgery, even though I seem to tire easily I feel more rested then I have in a few months.
6. I feel grateful for how amazing everyone has been at helping out.  Mr. MPB is being super dad and super husband (I am going to have to figure out a pretty amazing father’s day gift for him).  My parents offered to come help.   Our nanny stayed late 1.5 hours the other night.  A friend has visited on non-nanny days to help out so Mr. MPB can get some work done.  Another friend helped one evening when Mr. MPB had to be at a meeting.

I guess, while I really do feel guilty about what I am unable to do right now, I also realize that our little guy is doing great.  And at the end of the day, that’s truthfully all that matters.

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