Her name has been chosen. And I’m relieved to say that it does not include any part of my mother’s name. Nor does it randomly include the name of our little girl, a name that we have not shared with anyone.
In fact, her name is nothing I/we would have ever chosen.
It is a perfectly lovely name.
When I read her name, I wont lie, I felt like I could breath again.
Her name has no upsetting connotations. Thankfully.
.
And I’m still bitter. I’m not bitter at this little girl, I’m bitter at my emotional response being all about me.
I’m annoyed that this stuff is so hard. And I’m deeply annoyed because I think it always will be. I have no doubt that if they have another girl one day I’ll go through all of this again.
And that’s crap.
It’s unfair.
And more then anything, this is not the person I want to be.
I’m bitter that I am this person. I’m bitter that I am unable to let go of these emotions and just come a place of acceptance/peace with what we went through. I’m bitter that I doubt I’ll ever come to a place of acceptance and peace. I just don’t think I have that in me.
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A family member just had a baby. I’ve been good with people having babies lately – no cry fests in the privacy of our own home, and a lot less hurt feelings about how it will never be us. Without a doubt having Baby MPB has really helped me in this department.
BUT, this baby that was born is our first niece on my side of the family. The first little girl.
As soon as I found out she was in fact a she and didnt have a name yet, I went into panic mode. What if they use the girl name we had picked out?? They really could use it, as it is part of my mom’s name and since she died when we were children, clearly my sibling might also want to use part of my mom’s name for their child. It’s not like I have claim to it and I realize it would be completely fair of them to use it. But somehow it just seems unfair that they could use it and I cannot.
Once I seemed to accept that the little girl could have part of my mom’s name, I thought I’d calm down. But, I didn’t, not for a second. Instead, cue second panic attack – what if they completely randomly use the first name of our little girl?? The little girl who we terminated just over 3 years ago. How will I ever cope with that? How will I ever look that little girl in the eyes for the rest of her life? How will I bury my emotions every single time I see her or talk about her?
Honestly, the sense of panic surprised me. I wasn’t prepared for these emotions.
I thought I moved passed this stuff.
And it turns out I really haven’t. It turns out that the impacts of recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility are still part of who I am. And, I cannot help but realize that no matter how well I’m doing or how great I’m feeling, I’m probably going to be randomly surprised by emotional responses to pregnancy related stuff.
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My Perfect Breakdown 