My Emotional Response to The First Girl

A family member just had a baby.  I’ve been good with people having babies lately – no cry fests in the privacy of our own home, and a lot less hurt feelings about how it will never be us.  Without a doubt having Baby MPB has really helped me in this department.

BUT, this baby that was born is our first niece on my side of the family.  The first little girl.

As soon as I found out she was in fact a she and didnt have a name yet, I went into panic mode.  What if they use the girl name we had picked out??  They really could use it, as it is part of my mom’s name and since she died when we were children, clearly my sibling might also want to use part of my mom’s name for their child.  It’s not like I have claim to it and I realize it would be completely fair of them to use it.  But somehow it just seems unfair that they could use it and I cannot.

Once I seemed to accept that the little girl could have part of my mom’s name, I thought I’d calm down.  But, I didn’t, not for a second.  Instead, cue second panic attack – what if they completely randomly use the first name of our little girl??  The little girl who we terminated just over 3 years ago.  How will I ever cope with that?  How will I ever look that little girl in the eyes for the rest of her life?  How will I bury my emotions every single time I see her or talk about her?

Honestly, the sense of panic surprised me.  I wasn’t prepared for these emotions.

I thought I moved passed this stuff.

And it turns out I really haven’t.  It turns out that the impacts of recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility are still part of who I am.  And, I cannot help but  realize that no matter how well I’m doing or how great I’m feeling, I’m probably going to be randomly surprised by emotional responses to pregnancy related stuff.

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11 Comments on “My Emotional Response to The First Girl

  1. I can’t imagine what you and your partner went through losing a child and I’m very sorry for your loss. I think it’s ok to be emotional about it because you love your child. I hope time will make it a little easier for you.

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  2. I can understand your feelings on this and how they came up out of nowhere and surprised you. Are you still meeting with your counselor at all? If not, now might be a good time to just check in with her. You’ve been dealing with a lot on your plate lately! I don’t know that any of us will ever really and truly get over our battle of RPL or infertility. It’s something that changes us at the very core of our beings.

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  3. So damn unfair that you have to face these triggers and carry these burdens. I know you do it with such grace and strength but it still is not fair. I am so sorry for this pain. While I know the hard path here has made you soak up the good and the gifts even more, it doesn’t make the pain go away. So much love to you. Xo

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  4. Huge hugs. I don’t blame you… I can’t imagine how I’d feel if a family member used the first name we had picked out for our little girl (which I’ve never shared outside immediate family). These things are so hard to deal with — even though it sounds like you know rationally that nobody owns these names and on some level it might be nice to see a name you love continue in the family… when it’s your baby’s memory at stake, it’s not really something you can expect to move past, I think. I hope your niece winds up with a lovely name that is NOT your daughter’s!

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  5. I’m sorry that you’re still so triggered by situations like this. It’s understandable though. It’s not like what you have gone through can ever be forgotten, and people should be understanding of that. I do hope that your niece does not end up having the same name you had chosen. (Does your family know the name you had chosen, out of curiosity?) Thinking of you!! *hugs*

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  6. One of my friends who has been through grief accurately described it to me like standing knee deep in the ocean. Grief comes in waves. Sometimes unexpectedly. Sometimes they hit you in the mid-section, and sometimes they go over your head completely. And it doesn’t matter how long you stand in the ocean. The waves don’t “get better” in some perfect order. They just come. And we let them wash over us. Hang in there.
    Also, my first daughter that passed away. I thought I picked a name that no one would use…and just 6 months later, a couple I knew used a form of the name. It cut me deeply, even though I don’t have ownership of that name. It was hard. I get it.

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  7. Yeah, I’m not surprised at all. These emotions can stay buried and we feel like we’re past them and then BAM. I think I’m finally past all of this, but I’ll never really know for sure.

    Honestly, with the name you gave your daughter, I think you should say, “please don’t use X as a name for your daughter, that’s what we named our lost child.”. They will understand that.

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  8. I am sending you huge hugs. It’s perfectly understandable that this was a trigger. In fact, I think there are lots of things in life that will be triggers for those of us that suffer from RPL and infertility. It’s a part of us deep down to our souls and we will always love and mourn our children who were never born (in the traditional sense). You are in my thoughts and please know that you’re not alone at all!! Hugs.

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