My Emotional Response to The First Girl
A family member just had a baby. I’ve been good with people having babies lately – no cry fests in the privacy of our own home, and a lot less hurt feelings about how it will never be us. Without a doubt having Baby MPB has really helped me in this department.
BUT, this baby that was born is our first niece on my side of the family. The first little girl.
As soon as I found out she was in fact a she and didnt have a name yet, I went into panic mode. What if they use the girl name we had picked out?? They really could use it, as it is part of my mom’s name and since she died when we were children, clearly my sibling might also want to use part of my mom’s name for their child. It’s not like I have claim to it and I realize it would be completely fair of them to use it. But somehow it just seems unfair that they could use it and I cannot.
Once I seemed to accept that the little girl could have part of my mom’s name, I thought I’d calm down. But, I didn’t, not for a second. Instead, cue second panic attack – what if they completely randomly use the first name of our little girl?? The little girl who we terminated just over 3 years ago. How will I ever cope with that? How will I ever look that little girl in the eyes for the rest of her life? How will I bury my emotions every single time I see her or talk about her?
Honestly, the sense of panic surprised me. I wasn’t prepared for these emotions.
I thought I moved passed this stuff.
And it turns out I really haven’t. It turns out that the impacts of recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility are still part of who I am. And, I cannot help but realize that no matter how well I’m doing or how great I’m feeling, I’m probably going to be randomly surprised by emotional responses to pregnancy related stuff.
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