And Her Name Is…

Her name has been chosen.  And I’m relieved to say that it does not include any part of my mother’s name.  Nor does it randomly include the name of our little girl, a name that we have not shared with anyone.

In fact, her name is nothing I/we would have ever chosen.

It is a perfectly lovely name.

When I read her name, I wont lie, I felt like I could breath again.

Her name has no upsetting connotations.  Thankfully.

.

And I’m still bitter.  I’m not bitter at this little girl, I’m bitter at my emotional response being all about me.

I’m annoyed that this stuff is so hard.  And I’m deeply annoyed because I think it always will be.  I have no doubt that if they have another girl one day I’ll go through all of this again.

And that’s crap.

It’s unfair.

And more then anything, this is not the person I want to be.

I’m bitter that I am this person.  I’m bitter that I am unable to let go of these emotions and just come a place of acceptance/peace with what we went through. I’m bitter that I doubt I’ll ever come to a place of acceptance and peace.  I just don’t think I have that in me.

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15 Comments on “And Her Name Is…

  1. Relieved you can breath a little. I so hate that you will have to face these triggers. It just doesn’t seem fair. I really do think you handle it all remarkably well. I wish I could take these pain and bitterness away. I would do it in an instant. Xo

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  2. Glad that the name is nothing to do with your precious girl names. Sending you hugs and love. No one wants to be in pain and feel bitterness, I get that, but it’s so hard sometimes. You’re in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m relieved for you that her name isn’t what you would have chosen at all. I’m sorry that you’re still facing triggers about this though. There’s nothing wrong with making some things all about you. We’re human, it’s natural to do that or feel that way. It doesn’t make you a horrible person. You’ve been through some terrible things that NOBODY should have to face in life. It’s natural and understandable that those things may haunt you forever, in ways that you may not think they would/should, and when you may least expect it. You’re doing the best you can with it, and I (and I think others) feel like you’re doing a great job. You have to let yourself feel whatever you feel. You’re feelings aren’t wrong, they don’t make you less of a person, they just are. So feel them, acknowledge them, vent them out if you have to, and let yourself slowly move past them. I know it’s hard, I have to do it a lot as well. It’s when you can acknowledge them and deal with them that you can start to get past them…even if just for now. *hugs*

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  4. I am relieved for you! My sister-in-law was pregnant same time as my first pregnancy and named her girl the name my husband would have loved. Although it was his favorite not my first choice he probably would have got his way as it is a beautiful name, it hurt me too. I hate that you had this worry and that these triggers bring such heartache.

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  5. This is such a raw post and to admit all These things take such strength. I can totally relate. Those you get pregnant instantly and have it all go right will continue to shock me. How can it not when everything has gone so wrong (until Luke) with my pregnancies? I’m so happy you are relieved and I do hope that time helps lessen these feelings but as you stated yesterday this will be a life long struggle. You’re doing great and are so strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think when you have experienced the loss of a child that the birth of one, particularly of the same gender, will always bring pangs of pain. I hope for your sake the sharpness of the pain becomes a little more dull with time so you can remember the baby girl you named without losing your breathe for days. As that is what this is really about. It is not about somebody else’s daughter but that the arrival of hers brought your own daughter to the forefront of your mind and that is painful. Sending hugs. I am glad they didn’t use your names.

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  7. I’m so sorry you went through this pain. And I’m relieved that the name they chose isn’t the one you were worried about. Sending you hugs. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I hate that you have experienced so much pain and loss. It just isn’t fair. Triggers can be tough. I have not been through nearly as much as you and I still have triggers that are really hard to handle. One of my best friends has a baby born 3 days after was supposed to be my due date (from the first baby we lost). She is a huge trigger even though we now have our own precious LOs. I think that in some way certain triggers never go away. Also, I am glad you can breath a bit with the name being chosen. That is always hard.You are a strong mama.

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  9. I feel like I could have written the second half of your post, word for word. I too am bitter about my responses to situations where I should be feeling nothing but joy. Bitter that I will probably never reach a point where I am filled with positive feelings, no room for the negative, when faced with various situations.

    I understand what you’re writing so well, so completely. So many hugs, and I’m so glad that the name chosen doesn’t hold bad memories for you.

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