I didn’t intend to drop off the face of the earth during the Christmas/New Year season. But then, when I think back over the last 10 days, I really didn’t have any time to do anything other then clean my kitchen, do loads of laundry and enjoy some pretty magical moment’s.
First, December 22 we got a text from a friend who was supposed to stay at our house from the evening of December 25 until the morning of December 27. They changed their plans and were arriving 3 full days early. In fact, they’d be at our house shortly. Ummm…. we had no groceries or even clean bedding ready. So much for enjoying the evening at home quietly. And, while it took all the courage I could muster I actually told her they were welcome, except the morning of December 25th is reserved for just Mr. MPB, Baby MPB and I. I truly felt horrible, and basically told them their was no room left at the inn for Christmas eve. She understood and they stayed with her family for the one night. But, we still had to get groceries and clean the entire house in a matter of hours.
Then, while our friends stayed at our house without us, we went to my parents December 23 and came home on December 24th late at night. And to make it extra fun, we drove both ways in a horrible snow storm. One way is typically just over three hours. This time, each way was over 5 hours. Oh, and we stopped counting the cars in the ditches because the number was just becoming too scary. Honestly, because of the road conditions we should have just stayed home. Baby MPB didn’t sleep well at all at my parents house, and it was generally just a bad scene, with a few adorable first Christmas moments with Baby MPB and his cousins and grandparents thrown in to make the visit worth it. We got home on December 24th at about midnight but thankfully we had already wrapped and built Baby MPB’s Christmas gifts so we didn’t have to keep our eyes open much longer.
December 25, our first Christmas morning as a family of 3 people and 1 dog. I felt like I was living in a dream coming true. Then our friends arrived and we made a great Christmas dinner – roasted partridge with sweet potatoes and pears with a caramelized pear for dessert (a play on partridge in a pear tree). We had such a great visit and I’m so glad Baby MPB was able to spend part of his first Christmas with these friends. It was perfect. It was the magical first Christmas I had been wishing for.
December 26 and 27 were our “calm” days with our friends here. They are generally self-sufficient so it wasn’t terribly stressful. Just no real down-time. In fact, our Christmas tree and all the Christmas decorations came down on December 26th. Our tree was the very first tree at the tree recycling drop-off spot.
Then, all the crazy broke out on December 27th when Mr. MPB’s parents and sibling’s family arrived and have been staying at our house since. (We decided to put them all in the basement, and the siblings who arrived first asked to put the grandparents in the office so that they could also have their space. So all the people with babies had comfortable beds and space). Once everyone arrived, the crazy hasn’t stopped. Seriously, I mean pure crazy. At one point we had over 30 people in our house, which we fed and cleaned up after, but also had lots of fun with. But, at another point, Baby MPB’s grandmother stormed out of the room because Baby MPB wanted to be held by me and not her (he’s now sick and super clingy/cuddly and like almost all sick babies just wants to be with his mommy). At another point Baby MPB’s grandmother aggressively pushed our dog to the side within 6″ of a young child’s face – I told her sternly not to push our dog, especially around children as it’s not safe. This resulted in her refusing to speak to me for nearly a full day, which wasn’t awkward at all for everyone in the hose (sense the sarcasm). But, I still maintain I was in the right because let’s be honest pushing a dog is never okay, but it’s especially not okay when she pushed a dog into a child’s face. (Our dog has basically spent the rest of the visit in our bedroom, because we simply cannot risk that type of behaviour causing our dog to react negatively with a child around). At another point my sister-in-law and I were asked not to be in the family photo because we are not real “MPB’s”. Oh, and I’ve had 3 migraines since the 27th, so I’m also really just not feeling my best. In fact, my New Years Eve consisted of going to bed at 10pm and snapping at Mr. MPB to go to the guest room when he came to bed (not my best moment, and not the ideal way to end the year).
Truthfully, right now, asides from the return drive home after dropping some people off at the airport, this is the very first moment I’ve had to myself since December 22. And my quiet moment has been created by a family outing which I did not join.
I’m overwhelmed and I’m exhausted. But the worst part is that Baby MPB is also overwhelmed, exhausted and now sick. In fact, last night, he freaked out in a way that we’ve never seen from him before – throwing food, refusing to eat, crying and screaming uncontrollably, etc. At that point, mamma bear came out and I took him upstairs to his room and just the two of us played together until he went to bed. I didn’t even bring him back downstairs to say good night to the extended family. I didn’t even attempt to feed him dinner again. Instead, he had a bottle, and lots of snuggles and went to bed. And, he slept for the entire night.
Mr. MPB and I have been communicating better with each other this trip then we did when his parents visited last time. Which has made a tremendous difference to my sanity and hopefully his too. And, we have already decided we are absolutely not doing this amount of crazy again next year. Somehow we have to find time to see family/friends, but not for 10 days straight. Please, please, please remind me of this again in 10-11 months time!!
But, I have to admit, I’m holding onto the magical memories of our first Christmas with Baby MPB. And even with all the overwhelming crazy, I am beyond thankful to be this little boys mother. He truly has made all my dreams come true.
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I know for many this Christmas season is especially hard. Many people are longing for a baby in their arms, waiting through a miscarriage, remembering lost family members, etc. Sadly, this season is not happy for all.
This season, while meant to bring families together to create happy memories, just doesn’t always work that way.
For me, I have not forgotten my childhood Christmas’ before my mom and sister died – the magic of the season. I still remember my first Christmas without them like it was yesterday. I truly doubt Christmas will ever feel truly “right” to me without them with us to enjoy it. I hold these memories dear to my heart and I am truly thankful I have 14 years of memories to hold onto.
I have not forgotten all the past Christmas’ that we chose to skip family dinners and hide at home away from all the pregnant family members and the new babies. Last year, we didn’t even decorate for the season. I have not forgotten the harsh words we received for choosing to protect our own hearts rather then exposure our fragile selves to the pregnant family members and new babies. And, I have not forgotten my babies lost way to early to miscarriage. I’ll admit, I have always been thankful we never experienced a miscarriage in December as to not tarnish this one holiday in the same way that my birthday is a reminder of 2 of our losses.
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Yet, I am also thankful that this year will be different for us. Clearly my mom and sister will not be here, nor will any of our babies we lost too soon. But, Baby MPB is here. And the fact that he is here and is our son, deserves to be celebrated!
Even if this Christmas isn’t perfect, I am convinced it’s going to be the best Christmas Mr. MPB and I have ever had. I am determined to let just enjoy and step away from potential family drama. And more then anything I am determined to soak up every single moment of Christmas magic through Baby MPB’s eyes.
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Wishing everyone a very happy Christmas and holiday season, especially those who are struggling right now.
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