Today is my third post on the worst experiences of our USA adoption. As I was writing I realized I needed to split this into two parts. So, now there will be 4 parts, not 3 and tomorrow’s post is directly linked to days post. You can read the first post here and the second one here.
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While we were in the USA, we had to change states before we could go back to home to Canada. The USA agency told us we had to move states because we had to be in the state our lawyers and USA agency were in for the court process. Our lawyers made it clear that this was actually not a requirement.
Our USA agency told us that once we were in the second state they had to take Little MPB away from us and put him in a home, because evidently we weren’t legally allowed to care for him. Note, that in the first State we were the sole caregivers responsible for our son for the first week of his life and would be for the rest of our lives and had home studies approved by both Canada and the USA. The USA agency claimed it was a Canadian requirement. I called our Canada agency – it was not a Canadian requirement. In fact, our Canadian agency was outraged that they were threatening to take Little MPB away from us. I also called our lawyer. As moving states was not a legal requirement our lawyer tried to get the agency to let us stay in the first state to avoid this threat entirely. The agency didn’t go for it. So then our lawyer tried to talk reason with them, the agency wouldn’t hear it. Our lawyer’s social worker actually offered to have our whole family stay in her house, again the agency wouldn’t agree. Our USA agency would not listen to anyone they were bound and determined to make us go to the second state and to take Little MPB away from us.
In the end, both our Canadian agency and our lawyer said it wasn’t right and their was no legal requirement for them to move us and then to take Little MPB away from us. But ultimately they both recommended we do what they say so that we can get home sooner. Our Canadian agency was livid, as they knew removing our one week old child from us could be hugely detrimental to our family attachment and bonding. Our lawyer’s last piece of advice to me when we had to change states was to beg the family to let me stay in their house with Little MPB, even if it meant I was sleeping on the floor.
I have never cried so much in my life. I begged the agency not to take him away from us. In the end, things went from bad to worse – the USA agency told us that being separated from Little MPB would build character for Mr. MPB and I. It would be good for us to experience being separated from our child.
The day we had to fly, I was given the number of the house Little MPB would be staying at. I called them, fighting tears through the entire conversation. I begged them to let me sleep on the floor of their house, I just couldn’t imagine being separated from our 1 week old son. We told them Mr. MPB and I could take turns staying and visiting with one of us sleeping on the floor each night. We told them we’d pay them whatever they wanted. They said they weren’t sure and they’d talk about it. We hung up, and I cried some more.
So, when we landed in the second state, late at night, the agency escorted us to the house where Little MPB would be staying. The agency told us to drop him off and leave for the night and that we could come visit the next day for a few hours.
The agency representative left. I hugged Little MPB tight, I wouldn’t let go of him. I couldn’t let go of him.
We were shown to Little MPB’s room so we could put him down to sleep. I still refused to let go of my little boy, I just couldn’t do it. The lady turned to me and said, I talked to my husband, and you can both stay here as long as Little MPB is here. It’ll be tight, but we’ll make it work.
I cried tears of happiness. Exhausted tears of happiness, but still pure happiness. I felt like I could breath again.
The next day when the USA agency found out we were staying with the family, they were livid. But for whatever reason, they didn’t fight it. But they were so angry that they actually refused to speak to Mr. MPB or I for the remainder of our time in the USA.
To this day, the generosity, love and compassion that family showed my family brings tears to my eyes. We stayed in their house for over a week, we tried not to impose, but it was pretty much impossible given that we were 2 adults with a 1 week old baby staying in one bedroom. Not only did we stay with them, but we also used their phones daily as we worked with our lawyers to get home as soon as possible. We used their shower. We used their printer. We ate their food and even drank their wine. They let us use do laundry whenever we needed to. They packed up their family and drove us around whenever we needed a ride anywhere – pediatrician appointment, passport appointment, grocery store, etc. They offered to let us use their car. No matter how much we offered they refused to let us pay them for food or accommodations. They cooked for us, real home-cooked amazing meals that we were desperately craving after weeks in a hotel without a kitchen. They let us take care of their children (even though we weren’t allowed to take care of our own). They hugged me as I cried over the ongoing delays in the process to go home. They welcomed a very dear friend into their home to meet Little MPB (as an aside, she was one of the only people who knew about the crazy we were enduring, her listening ear was such a help and her kindness and love literally at my most trying time makes her someone that will always have a special place in my heart). In fact, once we were officially allowed to be alone with Little MPB, the family invited us to stay at their home an extra night until our flight home the next day. They even drove us to the airport when we finally got to go home.
Ultimately, this family welcomed all three of us into their home. They helped make one of the hardest times of my life bearable and even enjoyable. These people were nothing short of a miracle at our most desperate time. These people, will be life long friends who we are forever indebted to.
But our USA agency, they should never have put us in that position. Now, I believe it was actually just a way for them to make more money, as we had to pay to fly someone from the agency to state 1, to then fly with us to state 2. We also had to pay them hourly for said flights. Then we also paid them to drive us to the house. We also paid the family to care for Little MPB (we later found out that they agency took most of the money and the family would barely have made enough money to pay for formula and diapers – they were simply doing this out of their kindness of their hearts). We actually paid for 2 weeks, but only used 1, and we never got a refund and the family never got paid for the second week. But, honestly, the fact that this was all about money is just a guess. We have never been able to ask them, nor will we subject ourselves to further conversations with them. Maybe money had nothing to do with it, and maybe they really just wanted to torture us, or as they said, maybe they just wanted to build character?
But regardless of why they made us go through this, I have a real problem with the fact that they continually lied to us, which is never okay. We paid them to work for our families best interest. They were supposed to put Little MPB first, above all. Taking him away from his parents, for no legal reason, just is not acceptable to me.
For me as a mother, worst of all, they told us it would be good for us to be separated for Little MPB. Under no-circumstance, adoption or not, should a 1 week old child be removed from their loving and caring parents for a week or two, just to build character.
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As I mentioned yesterday, I am doing three posts on the worst experiences of our USA adoption. You can read the first post here.
The second horrible event was when we were in the USA, our agency told us about a new fee. We were told to pay it immediately.
We didn’t argue paying it. In fact, at no time did we argue with them about anything – we learned very quickly that as long as we were in the USA waiting for the judge to sign the paperwork, we were at the mercy of the USA agency. So, we kept our mouths shut and played by their ever-changing, and crazy rules. Quiet frankly, we knew we couldn’t risk pissing them off.
Anyways, we simply asked what the bill was for, as they didn’t even give us an invoice for it, which meant we had absolutely no explanation. I generally think it’s fair to ask why I’m paying something, as in, what service did you provide or will you be providing, that I need to pay you for?
The response to this question still makes my blood boil – Money doesn’t matter. If you don’t like it, or cannot pay it, then just give Little MPB back and go home.
Ummm…first, all the legal placement paperwork prepared by our lawyers, signed by our son’s birth mother and ourselves, does not give them unilateral power to take Little MPB away from us. In fact, the paperwork states that they are overseeing the placement of Little MPB to Mr. & Mrs. MPB – the names are explicit in the legal documents to ensure agencies cannot “change” placements. In all the documents we signed there was no exception for Little MPB to re-homed with any other family – trust me, our lawyers were very clear on this when I asked them. Basically, the agency is legally required to place our son with us, as by this time we have met all the legal requirements to be adoptive parents and the birth parent has explicitly chosen us. So in my mind this threat was nothing short of illegal. Second, do not for a second, think it is okay to suggest to any parent to pay a bill or have your child taken away – that is blackmail. Plain and simple. I’d even go so far as to say it was emotional blackmail.
Again, at no point in time did we say we wouldn’t pay, we just inquired what the additional fee was for. We are fully within our rights to ask these types of questions and should at bare minimum be treated respectfully when we do.
Under no circumstance should adoptive parents be threatened with having their child taken away if they ask simple question about payment.
I will never forgive them for this comment. This agency’s role was supposed to put Little MPB’s needs above all else, and this type of a threat is simply inexplicable to me
Mr. MPB and I are not the type of people to sit back and let abuses happen, but even our lawyers and our Canadian agency advised us to bite our tongues until we got back to Canada. Simply we knew this was a situation where we couldn’t fight for what was right. At least note while our son’s basic care was at risk. If they could dare to make this threat, then what would stop them from breaking the law and actually take our son away from us? No parent, should ever be left wondering this, especially as a result of a adoption agency.
It was this comment that made me realize that our USA agency was nothing more then a profit making machine.
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