My Cross To Bear

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In just over a month’s time, I will mark one of the hardest days of my adult life – the day we made the choice to terminate a pregnancy for medical reasons. Due to the laws where I live, I was forced to go to an abortion clinic to end the life of a baby we desperately wanted to save my own life.  I was forced to endure a humiliating ultrasound and I was treated absolutely horribly by a radiologist.

I am still furious that I was put through the hell of having to choose to end my child’s life and that I was treated so horribly that day.

The entire experience still makes me bitter, to the point where just thinking about it brings literal tears to my eyes and pain to my heart.

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And so, I fully acknowledged that for the last 2 years I have refused to basically even think about that day or the little girl we lost that day.  I always was pro-choice and as a result of this experience have become even more so.  But otherwise, I’ve really done my best to avoid thinking about it.  Basically, I’ve refused to spend my precious time with my living son giving much though to the fact that I chose to end my child’s life to save my own.  It’s not so much that I’ve been denying that it happened, just that I’ve been refusing to think about it when I just want to focus on the happy that our living son brings to our lives.

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The specific date of the termination, the day we said goodbye to our only known daughter, is etched into my mind – August 14.  Yet, I had to actually look up what year it happened.  (As an aside, yes, I still have the list of all my infertility dates and procedure results – confirmed pregnancy, HSG tests, follicle counts, beta results, ultrasounds dates and results including fetal heart rates and sized, cytotec/misoprostol doses, confirmed not pregnant beta results, fetal genetic testing, etc).

It happened in 2013.  It has been 5 years since I chose to end my child’s life.  5 years.

Life has changed so much.  I have a son now, who I am absolutely beyond thankful for.  My focus is on him, and always needs to be on him.

The few people who know about the termination don’t talk about our experience or our little girl.  Mr. MPB and I used to talk about it from time to time, but it seems with time, even we don’t talk about it anymore. Which is sad, because blocking out the whole termination experience has basically made it so we don’t talk about our little girl.  In some ways, it’s as though our little girl never existed.

Yet, if I’m honest, I think blocking the termination out of my life has been the easy option.  I truly don’t think I’ve given myself the time to heal from the entire termination process and I definitely haven’t grieved the loss of our daughter.  And honestly, I don’t think I’ve given myself permission to heal.  In some ways, it’s almost like I need to carry around the anger, the guilt and the hurt, as if it’s my cross to bear.

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25 Comments on “My Cross To Bear

  1. I’m so sorry you had to endure this. Anyone who reads this and is anything but supportive and kind and understanding is not a very nice person. Love you.

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  2. I can’t imagine even the most staunch anti choice activist passing judgment on you for this. I think you’re being unnecessarily harsh on yourself by even positing this as a choice. If I recall, it wasn’t a viable pregnancy to begin with; not that choosing her life over your own would have been more of a choice, but somehow it’s even less of a choice when sacrificing yourself wouldn’t make a bit of difference. I think that loss is very deserving of your grief, but not your guilt. Think of your little girl and remember you did all you could.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Deep trauma takes time to come to the surface, sometimes it never fully emerges. You’ll know if, or when it’s time to deeply process all that happened, mourn your daughter, and even then, if you’re like me, you’ll still question yourself. Mourning doesn’t follow the route we think it does, it is just what it is for the one experiencing it.

    Be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up for living.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. So very sorry you had to go through this. Life is so unfair. You did what you had to do and was the best decision you could have made. It must be so difficult to think about.

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  5. I’m so sorry that you went through this. I can’t imagine how painful the memories are, but I can also understand you wanting to remember – even though the experience around your daughter’s existence was so horrible, she is still worth remembering even though it’s sad and hard. ❤️

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  6. Thinking of you and your daughter and sending love. As far as I’m concerned, you are always welcome to talk about it as much as you want whenever I’m around to have any say over it. We’re coming up on the four-year anniversary of the loss of our daughter, and like you and Mr. MPB, my husband and I don’t really talk about it anymore, even though she’s often on my mind. Friends who bring it up and are there to listen are more precious than gold. I’m glad you have your blog to help with that healing.

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  7. Each time I read that old post, my blood boils in anger and I cry. What you went through, no one should ever ever go through. I am so sorry the medical profession failed you so badly.

    I don’t think about my M/c anymore, i block the pain . I wont say my boys have “erased the pain”, but I completely understand your thoughts on not thinking about it. My husband never references to the time of our m/c’s, he always says lets not talk about it, its in the past and we are over it.

    What you went through was a horrible experience in addition to a pregnancy loss. I doubt if you would ever forget, but you are definitely at a place where in the pain ebbs and flows, some days you don’t think about it and then sometimes its too much to breathe.

    Lots of hugs. ❤️❤️❤️

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  8. You just brought tears to my eyes.

    Such a horrible thing you had to endure. And to have to make that choice I know made it even worse. Anyone who could judge a situation like that, is lucky to have never been in that kind of a situation and decision fell on them. It is such a burden. And so tragic.

    I can’t even imagine how much it hurts you to think about, and I know that my words aren’t going to take away any of that pain. But I do agree that you should be kinder to yourself. (I know I can’t speak to it from experience, but I would choose myself in a situation like that as well) What an impossible and unfair situation.

    You chose to give Mr. MPB a healthy and wonderful wife and I know that he is forever grateful for that, and you gave Little MPB an amazing mother.

    I know none of this makes up for what you went through. But you are making your daughter proud every day by being an amazing wife, mother and friend. You are such a great friend to even those of us who don’t know you and you have such an impact on people by sharing your story and helping people to know that they are not alone.

    Hugs to you dear friend.

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  9. I still think about this all the time. In “my line of work,” (working with two non profits), your story comes to my mind at least once a week. I can not imagine going through what you went through.

    It might help to do something in her name, or all your babies names. One woman who I know who lost a baby, gives an age appropriate book to someone in need. When her son would have been five, she donated a book for a five year old. Knowing that date is coming soon, you could do a random act of kindness in her name on that day. Leave a bouquet of flowers with a note saying it honors your baby and you hope the bouquet brightens their day.

    I know this doesn’t help take the pain away, but maybe doing something in honor and remembrance will help make her live on and give her life, life. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry you had to make that difficult choice. I’m even more sorry that you weren’t treated respectfully during that time. I can’t imagine anyone judging you for your choice. Hugs!

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  11. 5 years… That’s a long time. But I’m sure it can sometimes feel like yesterday for you.

    I hate that you have this cross to bear, I cannot imagine it. My cousin had to make the same decision at about the same time as you (4-5 years ago) and she still struggles as well. The last time I saw her, she cried about it to me and we’re not close. My heart breaks for her and for you.

    Thinking of you as August approaches. ❤️

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  12. I am so sorry you went through this. No one should have to experience such trauma in their lives. I am thinking of you, your family on earth and your daughter.

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  13. I’m sure you know that I’m not pro choice. But honestly, I consider this situation in the same realm as an ectopic pregnancy. It’s not a choice at that point. Sacrificing yourself wouldn’t have saved your baby girl. Nothing good would have come of Mr mpb losing both of you. I still can’t believe your dr made you go to an abortion clinic in your situation.. not just physically but emotionally as well. That just bothers me to no end. I’m sorry that you ever had to endure that. I like the idea from one of the other comments that you could do something as a memorial for your little girl.

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  14. This aches just to read and I want to hug you and support you in some way. I hope you can find a way that feels right for you to honor your little girl.

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  15. It’s a terrible thing to have to carry. I hope you can find a way to help make it less heavy on your heart but without forgetting or blocking it out. Many hugs for you.

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  16. xoxo
    I am still horrified by what you had to endure, it is especially hard for me to wrap my head around it because my experiences were so different. It boggles my mind the way you were treated and I am so sorry for what you went through.
    It is strange that as you move on, you think of it less. I do too. I was just thinking the other day how we never discuss the procedures or our lost babies, McLovin consumes so much of us. In a good way. I am thankful for that. But at the same time I don’t want to do a disservice to the other babies we so desperately wanted. But I think living our life and doing our best for McLovin and loving him is the best way to honor them and what they brought to us. Just my two cents since we went through something similar.

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  17. So much love to you. I feel like I could have written this. It’s going on two years since my TFMR at 20 weeks.

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  18. I am sorry that you had to endure that loss. Although my body caused my miscarriage, in a way, your body did as well, just in a different way. I know all to well how traumatic a loss is and will forever will be.

    I just imagine my grandfather and stepdad in heaven taking care of my Harper Jean. Your mom is watching over your wee one. It somehow brings me comfort.

    I am praying with and for you… xoxo

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