I’ve Been So Worried About You
I randomly bumped into someone recently, someone I used to work with on a volunteer committee, but not someone that I was particularly close to.
I saw him, and he instantly got up from what he was doing and wrapped his arms around me in a giant bear hug. And he said “I’ve been so worried about you. You vanished a few years ago when you quit your job and I haven’t heard anything about you since.”
I’m not a big hugger at the best of times so while the bear hug struck me as a bit odd, I figured maybe he was just friendlier then I remembered? So, I lightheartedly joked that once I became a mom, my priorities have really shifted and I’m just not as involved in volunteer professional activities any more.
We both had places to be so we quickly planned to meet up for lunch the next week. That lunch was yesterday.
We met at his office and walked a few blocks to a restaurant. As we walked, he said “I knew you had a couple of miscarriages and I just couldn’t stop worrying….I had a friend, who had a few miscarriages and after her third one she fell into a deep depression. Eventually she took her own life as she blamed herself for the loss of her babies. Honestly, I was just so happy to see you last week and to know that you are okay. And to hear that you have a son now, that’s just amazing!”
To anyone reading this today, know that infertility is damn hard. It impacts your life in ways I never thought possible. You are not alone in this struggle.
I understand how hard loss is. I know all the feelings that come with saying goodbye to a baby you desperately want, the dreams you had for that child, and the dreams you had for your future family.
Recurrent pregnancy loss is the most excruciatingly horrible experience I have ever been though.
No matter what happens in my life, I will always understand.
You are not alone.
Please, please, please, if you are struggling with infertility and experiencing depression or thoughts of self-harm or suicide, talk to someone. Please reach out for help. If you are in Canada, please follow this link to find resources in your area. And please, know it’s not your fault and you are not alone.
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