Grief Is Not Linear

Last week was a bit intense from an emotional perspective which meant my writing was intense.  It seemed as though I had a lot of big questions, massive thoughts and epic realizations that were filling my mind and therefore filling my computer screen as I wrote and talked my way through my emotions, because that’s just what I do.

After he read my post about The Accident of Recurrent Pregnancy Loss we had an interesting conversation via text (because when your both busy with work and this stuff is just part of your daily life, clearly we talk about this is via text).

My friends, Mr. MPB pointed out a very real truth, that post, the self-blame, the guilt, the lack of forgiveness, that’s where I actively lived day-in and day-out about a year ago.  The grief, learning that my body was to blame, that took a lot of effort for me to mostly accept and move out of.  This is where I was living, but not where I’ve been living.  As he said to me later, I haven’t talked this way in a long time, so he was surprised to hear me saying this stuff once again.

And the with my post on Friday about When Will the Pain Ever Stop a lot of the comments in the discussion section were about different ways of grieving throughout life.  To quote thechroniclesofanonbellymama:

Some people are so quick to just let it go and move on and somewhat forget about it (me), and some people live and dwell in it and can’t let it go (Callie) and some people have an ebb and flow that comes with the circumstances of their life (you).

And then without even knowing about the conversation between Mr. MPB and myself, thechroniclesofanonbellymama, nailed exactly how I work – I ebb and flow.  My guilt, my self-blame, my grief, really all of my thought processes, they all ebb and flow.  Simply, my grief is not linear.  I tend not to dwell in my emotions for very long, but I very much need to feel them whenever they arise. I doubt I’ll ever be able to put all of this is a nice little box on the shelf and walk away from it, because that’s just not how my mind works. I need to give myself permission to process my emotions this way because to deny myself the ability to ebb and flow would likely cause me more psychological harm then good.

For me, I need to process.  I need to give this stuff, the hard stuff, a place to breath or it eats me alive (and it will, I tried that approach it wasn’t healthy for me).  I know I need to do this in a health way.  I am talking to an amazing counsellor. I have regular conversations with my husband and a few select friends.  I write about it all, goid and bad. I and am supported by countless people all over the world.

And you know what I realized last week, because I wrote this all out and had such amazingly support to help me along the way, this is all okay.  It’s okay for me to recognize my emotions, give them space to breath and then move on again.  It’s also okay for those who processes these things quickly and move on and somewhat forget.  And of course it’s also okay to be the type of person who dwell in it and can’t let it go in an instant.

Grief isn’t a perfect science.  But I do believe allowing oneself to work through it in your own unique way, that’s really all that matters.  And so, I will continue to work through my tough emotions in my own way.  I do not live in these types of hard emotions day-in and day-out, but I will allow them to surface when they need to (like last week) and then I move on until next time.  And so, I will continue to write and share about the good and the bad as it happens and i ebb and flow my way through life.

But here’s to hoping more days are filled with good then bad!

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8 Comments on “Grief Is Not Linear

  1. You are so right. Actually, I don’t think any feelings are linear. Just because we move past something for a day or a week or a year doesn’t mean those feelings won’t resurface when they feel like it. It’s part of what makes us human!

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  2. Ebb and flow is one of those concepts from my yoga classes that has crossed over into my everyday life too. I couldn’t agree with you more that you need space to breathe and ride the ride as it comes and it goes through your life. There will be tough days and happy days and that is normal. Just remember to breathe! Happy Monday 🙂

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  3. You have done a lot of great work with your feelings of grief this past week. I think that is so healthy. Grief really isn’t linear, I totally agree. And that is SO OK too. You are doing great lovely xx

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  4. I am an ebber and flower as well–I take out my grief when it arises and deal with it pieces at a time. You are doing what works for you and that takes special knowledge and introspection of oneself, not an easy thing. Great post:)

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  5. If there ever could be a formula to predict grief, it certainly wouldn’t be linear. No amount of quantum computing processing power could come up with a formula for dealing with grief.
    I love that you figured you are OK with that. It’s no easy thing to explain and that’s incredibly admirable.

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  6. I think it’s great that you can both put stuff aside for a while, and then bring it out to look at it and feel it again later. And it’s great that you seem to do it in a healthy, growing type of way, if that makes sense. We shouldn’t box things up and forget about them, as those things are probably the things that made us grow and learn the most about ourselves and those around us. I think that you help all of us to learn that as well, with the way you share so much of yourself with us. So thank you for that 🙂

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  7. Yes! Here’s to hoping you have more good days than bad. I wholeheartedly agree that grief comes and goes throughout our lives, and we cannot always control when it will show up. Any there is nothing wrong with that, we just have to learn to keep processing our feelings. You seem to be doing a great job of that 🙂

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  8. I agree with you, ppl always get upset, when they know I am even close to being sad for 1 minute about being childless…they are like get over it, having babies was ages ago. They don’t grasp the concept of the fact that I am not just missing a pregnancy and birth, I am missing out on the first day of school, the joy of hearing mom’s home when I come in the door. Right now it really hits me when some of my older friends are having their grandkids, I think it would be so great to see a daughter of mine have her children and raise them, or a son grow into a great dad…..it can be so hard to swallow sometimes…its not one event you miss, by not getting pregnancy and having a baby, it is all the things that child could be and seeing the world through their eyes. Its the events others take for granted, birthday parties, summer camp, watching them grow, etc. I think its a lifetime of learning to handle this with grace and acceptance , and it not easy. hugs

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