When Will The Pain Ever Stop?
Do I have to carry this pain with me forever?
When will it stop?
When will I be able to just live, like all the normal people out there who aren’t coping with the death of their mom and sister their screwed up family relationships and the deaths of their wanted and loved children?
When will I not face these emotions on a daily basis?
These are the questions I asked my counsellor the other day. Clearly, based on all my posts this week, it was a loaded session.
Her response was simple: If I could answer that I probably have a lot more money!
Of course she went on.
We discussed how new grief likes old grief. By that, I meant that new grief tends to bring up all the old stuff, and makes you re-process it. And deal with layers maybe you hadn’t before. Similar to how our miscarriages and losses have brought up so much for me with the death of my mom and sister. In fact, we discussed stages of my life, generally speaking –
- my teens were defined by The Accident and simple survival.
- my 20’s were likely defined by trying to live and the accident wasn’t front and center in my daily life.
- my 30’s have all been about miscarriage and death and my mom and sister are a bigger part of my daily thoughts again.
We also discussed complex grief or complicated grief, but that part of the conversation didn’t stick of me since it’s not what’s really going on with me. So I cannot paraphrase it very well, but if you are interested I think google can.
But, the real answer to my big question, is that I will probably always carry this with me. It will ebb and flow depending on my life circumstances and events at the time.
But, simply, I will never just close the door on any of this. My mom and my sister, our lost babies, all of them, they will never vanish from my memories. I will never be able to pack it up in a box and put it away for the rest of time.
And so I’ve thought about this more over the last few days. And I think, as much as I don’t want to live in the place of daily painful memories and thoughts, I also don’t want to fully move out of it and part of me fears that moving out of it will mean I’m forgetting. I don’t ever want to forget my mom, my sister or any of our babies. I want to remember each one of our children who never took a breath for who they were and would could have been. I loved them, Mr. MPB loved them and they deserve to be remembered in their own right.
And, I also want their memories to remind me to embrace life. I want their memories to remind me to encourage our future child(ren) to embrace life, because no matter what happens we have something to be thankful for – we are living! By the very fact that I’m living, I have an opportunity to make the most out of life, and so, I simply must!
I guess I know it’s not always going to be easy, but I am hopeful that it will get easier. And one day their will be more easy days then there will be hard days.
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