How Does It Feel To Be Another Year Older?

As it’s my birthday week, there’s a question that someone is bound to ask me this week – how does it feel to be another year older?  

And for some reason this has been playing in my mind all week.

You see, when I turned 30 I really didn’t think much about it as my 30th and 31st birthdays were marked with baby loss so my actual birthday just didn’t matter.  And the last few birthdays, I’ve just been in disbelief that I’m actually a mom!

Now that I’m turning 35, I know a lot of people will tell me how young I am.  Some will even say, how great it is that I’m now a self-employed consultant whose doing pretty well.  Most will comment on how I’m a mom to an amazing little toddler.  Most will be impressed at how I seem to have everything somewhat together.

And yet, if I’m honest, how does it feel to be another year older?  For the first time in my life I just feel old.

I’m not sure if it’s that I’ve moved out of the basic survival mode that comes along with years of recurrent pregnancy loss, and I’m realizing just how much those few years really aged me?  My birthday will be forever marked by the loss of 2 babies, including the only one that was every healthy and was supposed to live. I doubt I’ll ever be able to disassociate those dates in my mind.  I went from being fairly naive to facing life and death and entirely new way while contemplating decisions I never in my life thought I’d have to make. There’s no doubt these losses changed and aged me, and right now, I’m feeling it.

Within the last 5 years I also quit my professional job at a decently well paying firm and walked away from career in favour of our family – also around my birthday.  No matter how hard I tried to find something else to do with my life, I found myself back in the same profession.  But I started working on my own terms, and now I work for myself.  Most people seem to look at what I’m doing and are pretty impressed as I’m rather young to already be an independent consultant.  Truthfully, it works for me, I love my work situation 90% of the time.  But gosh, it can be hard!   The stress that comes along with not knowing what my next pay cheque will look like, isn’t that much fun.  Honestly, I’m pretty sure everything about quitting my traditional job has definitely aged me a tad bit.

I’m not sure if the old feelings come from 2 years of a not sleeping well, thanks to a wonderful toddler who has made my dream of being a mother come true.  Even this morning he decided 5:30am was morning time, regardless of my prayer/beg of It’s mommy’s birthday, please let me sleep just a bit longer.  (I wouldn’t trade the lack of sleep for anything, but gosh I could have used another hour today).  Toddlers, or at least my very active toddler, has a way of keeping us very active.  We never sit still anymore, we never have real down time.  Instead we chase, we play, we tickle, we sing songs, we read books, we constantly worry about development and happiness, etc.  I feel as though life these days consists of toddler time, work time and hopefully sleep time.  It’s delightfully exhausting!

And don’t even get me started on my complete and utter lack of fitness in my life.  I just need 1 more hour in the day to fit that in.  Heck, at this point I’d take just another 30 minutes.  I’m confident that an out of shape body whose stomach is causing nothing but problems is definitely contributing to feeling old.

I don’t know, right now, I just feel like the last few years has really impacted me (as it should).  And, I feel more like I’m 40 or 45.  Or maybe this is just some sort of normal transition that occurs in the mid-30s?

And yet, I realize aging is just a state of mind.  So, maybe next week I wont feel so old?  And maybe, if I’m lucky, next years 36 wont make me feel so old?

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10 Comments on “How Does It Feel To Be Another Year Older?

  1. Happy Birthday! I turned 35 this past year as well and it was my first birthday in a while that I felt old. It is just a frame of mind though because I can tell you, you couldn’t pay me to go back to my 20’s or even early 30’s! Hope you have a fabulous day and find some quiet time for yourself:)


  2. Happy Birthday!!! I have aged a lot lately too, I hate looking in the mirror! It probably doesn’t help that I’ve had gray hair since I was 14 (of course it was only 4 strands then and it is going crazy now!!!). And my ankles hurt every day when I wake up in the morning all of a sudden…

    But… getting ‘old’ is a privilege, one that too many don’t get. So, congratulations. And again… Happy Birthday, I hope today treats you wonderful (though sleep deprived).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Happy birthday, despite the complex emotions around it. Being a parent to a toddler really does seem to age you quickly… I have so many new lines around my eyes since becoming a mom! Either it ages you more rapidly, or you just don’t have time/interest to look at yourself in the mirror as much when your child is your new priority, so when you actually do stop and take stock of where you’re at, the change is shocking 😁


  4. No one should have to wake up at 5:30 on her birthday 🙁 Happy Birthday though! I know it comes with mixed feelings but I’m hoping there are many silver linings.


  5. Happy Birthday, friend! We are actually the same age (well, you are a few months older), and I remember turning 30 with the month before having had my first miscarriage. I had no idea what would be in store these last 5 years either! Here’s to the next 5 years being incredible! (Also, I hope Little MPB lets you have a glorious birthday nap, at least today!)


  6. I feel like infertility has aged me far more than being the mom of a toddler has! Grief has a way of wearing you down. I don’t know if I’ll ever get that “missed time” back, but it would seem not. I do hope you have a nice day with your family, though I know there is a complicated feeling when it comes to birthdays, especially with loss.


  7. Happy birthday! I feel the same about having a baby and wishing for a bit more of a lie in! But I wouldn’t trade it for all the sleep in the world! Luckily mine sleeps “late” for a baby… I don’t think I’d cope with a 5 o’clock wake up! Hope you have the most lovely day xx


  8. Happy birthday!! I understand what you mean. I’ll be 40 in May, and I feel super old. Ever since going through IF treatments, being pregnant, and raising a baby/toddler…life has been exhausting! I usually feel more tired than I did when I was working full time at my very physical job. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I hope you have a wonderful day today, and get an extra hour of sleep tonight!


  9. Happy birthday! I will be 35 this year. It’s a weird feeling and I do feel old!

    On an unrelated note I am pretty sure I have Mr. MPBs birthday and my husbands bday is Feb 27, so super weird!

    Liked by 1 person

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