Hello From The Other Side*
Being on the other side of infertility can still be hard. It’s by no means as difficult as being in the trenches – hiding from children focused events, managing hundreds of medical appointments and painful procedures, watching our bank account dwindle, facing another loss, etc. But now that we are on the other side, I do have a child and I’m living’ the dream. I acknowledge how fortunate we are and I try to cherish every single second.
But, I am also realistic and acknowledge that not ever second of every day is perfect. A simple example of the less then perfect is that Mr. MPB and I disagree more now then we ever have – the combination of sleep deprivation, working full time and respecting slightly different parenting styles is no joke.
But the point of today is that I realize how hard it is to see friends move to the other side while still stuck in the trenches. I remember those days. I remember being thrilled for my infertility/adoption friends (both in the blogging world and in the real world) when it was finally their turn to hold their baby in their arms. But, I also remember the devastating hurt I felt – why not me, why not us, when will it be our turn, will it ever be our turn? And this hurt was magnified by about 1000 times when it was a fertile person who was pregnant again.
Recently this “other side” division became apparent, as it does from time to time. A friend, who is still waiting for an adoption match, reached out. She’s struggling with the wait, and there is no end in sight to the continued waiting. She’s questioning why are they still waiting, why aren’t they being chose, what could possibly be wrong with them. And as much as I (or anyone else), tell her it’s not them, it’s just a matter of time until the right match happens, it’s hard to be perpetually waiting. It’s like you’re only half living and not making any long term plans because you just don’t know when the match will happen.
When we met I was sure she’d be matched before us, she’d been waiting for multiple years at that point, and we were just starting the process. And then, we were matched and brought Baby MPB home in near record time. I honestly struggled to tell her, I still remember trying to draft the text to her while were in the USA to let her know about Baby MPB. I think it was one of the hardest texts I’ve ever written, I just knew it would be so hard for her. And now, here we are – Baby MPB is turning into a toddler and my friend is still waiting to become a mother. And yet, even though we havent known each other for that long, our shared adoption journey has brought us together and through this she’s been an awesome friend to me. I’m beyond thankful for my one in-real-life friend who understands open adoption through the same lens as I do. She’s eve made an effort to be around Baby MPB which I know can be a huge emotional challenge.
And so, knowing a friend is struggling a group of us have decided we need to do a girls night out (without kids) to help cheer up our friend. I truthfully don’t know the other women very well, but I know I want to support my friend through a hard time. So, I think I’ve agreed to go out for a girls night on the town. Mr. MPB is completely fine with staying home with Baby MPB while I attempt to join the world outside of my house after 7pm for the first time in a very long time. But, I have no idea how to do a night on the town at this point in my life!?!? The one thing I know for sure is I will need an afternoon nap if I expect to stay awake past 10pm! Oh, and I’ll admit I really hope we end up going somewhere with wine that doesn’t come out of a box, since in my old age I prefer nice wine over cheap wine, beer or even worse any sort of shots.
I know one night out wont fix my friends current struggle. I know the waiting is incredibly lonely when all your friends appear to have moved on. I know I cannot fix that, but I do really hope a night out with friends will help reminder her how much her friends love her and support her.
*’Hello From The Other Side’ is borrowed from Adele (clearly).
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