Adoption Questions
This last weekend was unbelievably busy:
- Mr. MPB had to work.
- We went to a first birthday party.
- We had friends stay with us for their last night before officially leaving town for their big move.
- We went to dinner with other friends who were in town after moving last year.
- We went to the zoo.
- We went to my favourite farmer’s market.
It was fun. The weather cooperated which is always a nice bonus. In fact, I’d say we had a great weekend.
What was interesting is that at every social gathering, particularly the first birthday party, the friends we hadn’t seen in a long time and the recent baby shower, it once again became obvious that people love to ask questions about adoption. Truthfully, it’s a very common conversation in my life. I’m okay with this, I am happy to educate people who are interested.
But, what’s also really funny for me is how many people don’t realize Baby MPB is adopted. And, when I’m talking about adoption with someone and they over-hear and join the conversation they always look at me with pure surprise and exclaim Baby MPB is adopted?! He looks and even acts so much like his Dad, I would never have known. Then usually they add on, Not that it matters of course. You are amazing for adopting. Then the string of the most common questions are asked:
- Where was he born? – XX, USA.
- How old was he when you got him? – We were there when he was born.
- Do you know his birth mom? How old is she? Did you meet her? Do you know her race? – Yes, she’s a lovely young lady. We did meet her and we do know her race, she actually has very similar colouring to me.
- How often do you have to see her? Do you email or text? Do you send pictures? How frequently? – Just like you as a parent make all decisions pertaining to your child’s social interactions, we do the same. We choose to see her whenever we want to and she also wants to. We send photos, email and text as often as we feel like it, just like we do anyone in our lives. She’s a wonderful lady and we are happy that she wants to be part of Baby MPB’s life.
- Did you pick his name? – Yes we did. The birth-mother happened to love the name we wanted so it worked out perfectly. She even chose to put our last name on his birth certificate so he will not have a name change, which is amazing.
As I said, I really don’t mind the questions. I’m a pretty social person and I think I’m pretty approachable so in many ways I’m glad people are willing to ask to educate themselves. Honestly, I think it’s great for people to understand open adoption. But I will caveat this with I choose what to say and am very careful to respect the confidential and specific aspects of my son’s adoption, we are firm believers that a lot of his adoption story is his to tell when and if he wants to.
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One other thing I would say on adoption (from an adoptee!)… I think you should remember you have no obligation to share your son’s story with anyone. His story belongs to him, and as he grows up it should be up to him what questions (if any) he chooses to answer about adoption. It’s great to model positive responses when he is young. I would resist the urge to over share his story (not saying you are) as some adoptees are very open and some would rather not talk about it. He should understand that he absolutely doesn’t have to answer people’s questions if he doesn’t want to. (I’m sure you know this and he is pre verbal anyway!)
Of course he probably won’t receive that many questions as you aren’t different races and as you mentioned, he has similar mannerisms… So most likely he will be have a similar experience to my partner (same race adoptee) who is hardly ever questioned about adoption!
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When my adoptions were “fresh” I felt excited to talk about them to those who asked. At some point, that wore off. While I sometimes will still answer questions if they are from kids, or adults who ask in well meaning and we’ll worded ways, I usually try to avoid adoption talk with people who aren’t close to us. I don’t want my kids getting the message that adoption is all they are. There is a lot of their stories that isn’t mine to share with others…but theirs. Some days, I don’t want to address adoption at all. And that can be hard because my family is multiracial due to adoption. I like to imagine people looking are just admiring how cute my boys are, and not wondering how they are mine, assuming I’ve got 3 baby father’s, or questioning adoption when my husband is present. It’s none of a strangers business. Yet, some days, I’m proud to educate on the subject. Adoption has a host of rollercoaster feelings. Those don’t go away after paperwork is finished. The emotional journey continues…
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I think it is great that you are happy to answer questions! Sometimes people just want to be educated or are just curious in a good way. What better way to understand the process better! As long as you are comfortable!
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What a fantastic approach. I’m glad you had a good weekend 🙂
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Wow. It amazes me that people ask invasive questions, but on the flip side, its great you feel comfortable answering them. Pretty cool !
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Thanks for sharing your story! (Adoptive mom, here.) We get some of those questions as well, usually because our daughter mentions she’s adopted.
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