Yesterday we had an impromptu mid-week family visit this week.
It turned out we had family in town from far far away. But, no-one thought to pre-plan anything or even tell us. So, with less then 24 hours notice, we found out we were having a mini family reunion at our house. Thankfully it was mid-day so I didn’t have to cook for everyone. And even better, Mr. MPB stayed up late the night before making some fresh baked goodies for everyone so we had an afternoon snack on hand.
It’s funny/odd/somewhat sad, because a year ago, no-one would even have bothered to phone us when they were in our city. In fact, my own parents often drove through without stopping to visit. Now, it seems as though everyone wants to visit – which I am 100% convinced is a direct result of Baby MPB. In fact, in the last few months my extended family has visited us more then they have since I moved out of my parent’s home 15 years ago.
It’s amazing how having a child suddenly made us a worthy stop and a visit.
I’ll admit, a large part of me loves that people are stopping by. I appreciate it because I want Baby MPB to know his extended family. And selfishly I also want to feel as though I’m part of a family, and I haven’t really felt that way since my mom and sister died.
But if I’m being honest, this also makes me a bit sad. I spent so many years hurting because family would be in our city and not bother to visit with us. We don’t live very close to any of our family, so it takes effort, time and money to visit. We were always expected to visit everyone else. And, on more then one occasion family members where within 5 minutes of our house and we didn’t find out until a week or two later. Every single time this happened, I was devastated. I longed to matter to them in the way that they mattered to me. Then, as we started trying to build our own family (rather unsuccessfully), I pulled back. Instead I decided to focus on the family I wanted to build with Mr. MPB. And so I stopped trying to create relationships with individuals who weren’t invested in being co-participants. I stopped opening myself up to being hurt, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
So now, I sit here and It just seems a bit disheartening to once again realize that I never really mattered when it was just me. And even now, I know I’m not the one they are visiting.
But, I will admit, it breaks my heart thinking about what if we never had a child. We almost didn’t – there was a time when we were very serious about no longer trying the old fashioned way and not adopting. There was a time when we were very close to choosing and embracing a childless life. I know I cannot live in the what if space, but honestly, when it comes to my extended family, I do wonder sometimes.
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