Looking Back & Looking Forward

As I sat around on Thanksgiving weekend, I couldn’t help but realize that it has officially been one year since we first really began to realize that we would probably never have biological children.

After 5 losses, and countless heartache, more medical procedures then I’d like to remember, we decided to seek out the expertise of a specialist in Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.

At our appointment with the specialist, with a quick switch on an ultrasound machine, he quickly discovered that one of our biggest problems was reversed blood flow out of my uterus.  I was heartbroken to learn that my body was essentially slowly killing each of our babies as they could not survive without proper nourishment.  While we had to wait weeks for a final diagnosis and protocol, we began immediately discussing possible treatment options.  Thanks to some advanced insight, we knew our options in our province in Canada were limited at best.

Our doctor felt very strongly that if we continued to try under his watch and protocol that we’d eventually end up with a living child.  In fact, he was very optimistic.

But, for us*, we also knew that his optimism wasn’t exactly practical in our real world:

  • The logistics and costs of biweekly flights across the continent for medications not covered by our health insurance and not available locally really weren’t a wise investment.
  • Putting me on some medications that are considered higher risk to our future child wasn’t a desirable solution.
  • Lacking proper medical oversight locally wasn’t a great strategy.
  • And on a larger scale, we knew my mental health was fragile after living through so many hard losses.  And we knew my physical health was less then ideal as my body had been through so much already.
  • There are no guarantees that his treatment and all the accompanying costs would result in a live and healthy baby.

So that weekend, while enjoying the sights of New York City, Mr. MPB and I talked a lot.  We talked about our options.  We talked about what we really wanted in life.  By the time we caught our flight home a few days later, we both knew that if our final diagnosis was as bad as we were expecting we were done trying.  We made a point not to make any final decisions while we were in NYC and that we would only move forward once we were both 100% committed to the same action plan.  As two very practical and pragmatic individuals we decided that we needed to do our homework and research surrogacy, gestational carriers, local infant open adoption vs international closed adoption, local foster adoption, international infant open adoption, childless (or childfree depending on one’s perspective), trying again with our local doctors, and trying the new out of country treatment plan.  We needed to think about what we both really wanted in life, and what we thought we could handle.  We needed to dig deep within ourselves both individually and as a couple.  We needed to be true to our concerns, our fears and our life hopes and dreams.

Looking back, I think we both knew walking out of the clinic in NYC that our family plans were forever changed from what had naively assumed for so many years.

And yet, I think we also both knew that we would still have child(ren).  We just knew we’d find a way because at the end of the day our hearts belong to our future child.  So, we knew we would just have to go about it in a different way then most.

And so today, I want to acknowledge that not once in my life did I ever think I’d go through 5 pregnancies, including one termination, and have no living children.  I look back at what we went through and I still have no idea how we survived and how we came through it all with individual sanity and our marriage thriving.

And even more, I sure never thought that I’d be in a position where we’d would be adopting a child. I never for a second though we’d want to invite the complexities of a birth family into our lives.  I never thought I’d become so well educated in all things adoption.  I never imagined we would sit in a perfect strangers home learning all about adoption and realizing that we can actually do this and it really isn’t that scary.  Nor did I ever expect to be attending various social gatherings with birth parents and adoptive parents all learning how to navigate life together.  And, I sure never thought that we’d be stretching to pay exorbitant international adoption bills.

If nothing else, these last few years have forced me to realize that life doesn’t always go the way we thought it would.  And sometimes, life doesn’t even go in a way we could ever even have attempted to envision, even if we tried.  And, sometimes that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, because for us, adoption is not at all a bad thing, it’s actually a great thing and I already believe it’s the best decision we could have made.

And, while waiting for an adoption match and placement is equivalent to the wait from hell, in other ways this wait is easier then any of my past waits because I know our family is at the end of the road.  So, I’m confident that even if it takes everything we have, we’ll get through this wait and this frustration.

So, while my arms are still empty, my heart is full and my mamma bear instincts are percolating under the surface.  And I know without a doubt that a percolating mamma bear is better then any other alternative.

* I respect that we all make our own decisions related to infertility and loss.  We chose what was best for us, and realize that what is best for us may not be the same as others.

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33 Comments on “Looking Back & Looking Forward

  1. I know it’s been a year full of ups and downs for you and Mr. MPB. I hope the next year is filled with so much joy and the opportunity to hold your new baby bear soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think life has a particular plan for everyone. Someday you will both look back on this and it will seem like an eternity away. Your child/children will be grown and this will all seem so moot in comparison to all the memories in store for you. Soon you’ll have everything you’ve been waiting for…sorry you have to go through hoops and hurdles to get there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Some how I have to agree with you, one day I think and hope that we will look back and these hoops and waiting will seem like nothing compared to the life we will live with our child(ren). You have such a beautiful perspective, and I think I will try to remember this whenever I’m frustrated at the wait. 🙂

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  3. Before I read this, I had just thought to myself ”even though the wait for baby to arrive sucks, it is much easier than the wait to determine how/if/when you will get pregnant (or in your case: have your child come into your life)”. You have overcome so many hurdles so far. This wait from hell may seem gruelling, but I see light at the end surrounding yourself, Mr MPB and your child. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you are right, the big difference today is that I can see the light at the end of all of this. And seeing the light makes all of this so much more bareable then living through losses where there was was light shining through.

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  4. I think you have weathered the ups and downs with grace and strength. You have remarkable resilience and continued joy and hope. I cannot tell you how many times your story and your attitude has helped me persevere. While I know you would much rather not have had to go through all this, thank you for sharing your story and making it something that helps others. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • My friend, as always, you are simply too kind. I can tell you looking back, there have been some pretty rough days where my attitude was less then hopeful. But, for us, moving out of the continual cycle of loss and into the world of adoption meant moving into a frustrating world that has hope shining through. And for us, that’s made all the difference and while it may not be everyone’s path, it’s the right path for us. 🙂
      And, thank you for cheering me along through the rough days and the good days too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I love every single word of this post. Although it’s not what you first imagined, it’s so wonderful that you are now on a path that will definitely end with a child. Doesn’t get much better than that! I absolutely cannot wait for you to get a match. I’ve already decided that some way, somehow, some day I am going to find a way to meet you, Mr. MPB and your child!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so very much my friend. You are right, nothing about where I am today is where I expected to be, and yet in so many ways I just know it’s where I’m meant to be (which is slightly weird for me to say given that I’m not a big believer in destiny or fate).
      And, I’m with you! One day, our families are meeting!! I’ve added your state to my list of hopeful adoption match locations, that way we’d be close together and you could come meet our entire family!! You would be the first one of our friends to meet our baby! How amazing would that be?? (I have a huge smile just writing that – come on world, make it happen!) 🙂

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  6. If the journey to becoming a mom is an ultra-marathon, you’re in the final mile now, MPB. You’ve weathered this ‘marathon’ with so much grace, maturity and love. Your future baby/babies will be welcomed into such an awesome home with two amazing parents.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a journey you’ve had to mama-hood. This had to have taken the hugest emotional (and physical) toll possible on you. I’m sure when people tell you that you’re strong, you probably think “You don’t even know the half of it…” Praying that you get your match at just the right time! I’m just waiting for that post to show up!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are right, the emotional and physical toll has been insane. And I still deal with both regularly, but most days I continue to feel better then I did the day before and that’s pretty awesome. 🙂

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  8. Wow, I had no idea that income and such intimate details from the home study were disclosed to birth parents. Is that also typical of American adoptions? It seems so ballsy and intrusive and, frankly, beside the point. I must have missed the post where you explained your reasons for looking toward the U.S. despite the expense, but I’m sure they’re good and it was a choice painstakingly made based on facts.

    I’m so glad you are able to maintain that confidence that you will be a parent. It must be such a balm. I have so much emotional stuff getting in the way of that, and it definitely makes this much harder.

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    • Yes, the process in our Canadian province is much different from the US process, and so we decided for us to adopt it had to be within the US even though the cost is astronomically higher. As you said, our decision was painstakingly made based in facts because that’s just how our minds work. For example for us the lack of privacy is a huge concern with our local system and it is much different in the US where the more intimate details are not provided. And, drug and alcohol testing is allowed in the US, whereas here we are expected to trust that the truth is being told. No system is perfect, but for us, the US system offered us a few things that just made it worth the extra cost.

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  9. It must have been such a tough decision to make. I pleased you have peace for the path you have chosen. That is what is most important. X

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    • I don’t think anyone facing IF/RPL has an easy time with all the possible decisions they have to make. As I suspect you know all too well! But you are right, the most important thing is that we find peace with whatever we choose, and today I have that peace. Now hopefully it lasts. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. You guys did what was best for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sorry you had to go through so much in order to get there, but I’m glad that in the end it made you stronger together. You’ll both be the best parents, and that’s all that matters. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I think about you so much and have been praying constantly that this wait will end soon! This really has been a long road with many twists and turns but I know in my heart the journey is coming to an end and your arms won’t be empty for much longer. Sending you lots of love! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Gosh, that sounds like a super hard path to have gone down. I’m so impressed with the grace you’ve come out the other side with!! We’re in the midst of IVF and there’s always the fear it won’t work, but I’m glad to know there is still light at the end of that tunnel. You’re amazing, hey 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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