I think I knew from the start. That faint line was my first hint. Based, on our last 4 pregnancies, it should have been darker. It just should have been darker.

So, I tempted fate, and took another test. This time no-line at all.

And, then there was some blood.  Not much, but in our experience, any amount of blood is not good.

I talked to a wonderful nurse at our fertility clinic yesterday and based on everything that was occurring, they agree, it is unlikely that this is a viable pregnancy.

Just got the beta results, and yes, I tested negative.  So, its confirmed, baby #5 never even made it to through week 4 or to the point of fetal heart rate.  My body will process the loss like a bad period.  (I cannot help but wonder, does this even count as a pregnancy, and another loss?  Does it count if fertilization occurred, but implantation didn’t work out properly? Does this even count as #5?)

Either way, whatever you call it, it’s done.

I know this might sound crazy to some, but for me, this is actually the second best outcome (first obviously being a healthy baby in 9 months’ time). For us, having this end almost as quickly as it started, means that there is no watching and waiting for the fetal heart rate to vanish; there is virtually no attachment; there is no waiting for death; and, there is no painful miscarriage. I can deal with this.  In the scheme of our lives, this is easy.

So, really, in my world, this is nearly as perfect as it can be. Yes, this is a sad reminder of just how hard and frightening Recurrent Pregnancy Loss is, but I am focusing on my positives. I can honestly say, I am elated that this one will not be as physically or emotionally traumatic as what we are accustomed to. And at least for the moment, I am at peace with this.

So, today, I will continue trying to live a healthy lifestyle. I will continue focusing on being stress free; eating fresh and healthy foods whenever possible; and, being prepared for the next pregnancy which will hopefully at least implant properly. I will also enjoy our friend’s wedding on the weekend with a glass or two of wine without any second thoughts.  And for that matter, I will live how I want to.  I will eat Sushi, medium rare stake, and eggs sunny side up.  I will also drink mojitos, wine and chai tea lattes (although, hopefully not all on the same night).  I will live my life and not focus on the off chance of contracting listeria or e-coli, just in case I’m pregnant.  Or at least I will do my best.

And lastly, thanks to each and every one of you for your words of encouragement of support over the last few days. I wish I had better news to report, and hopefully next time I will. But, this is the recurrent pregnancy loss rollercoaster ride, and we will continue on.  The outcome is beyond our control and ultimately it will be what it will be.

I’m Done

A few months ago, after miscarriage number 4, I attempted to resign from my company (see that post here). However, my employer rejected my resignation a few months ago, and instead asked me to go on a medical leave because I’m just such an awesome employee and they didn’t want to lose me. So, I obliged. My medical leave was turned down effective last week (with no notice), which means my income has now completely stopped.

So, my company was seemingly very supportive of my family situation and wanted to give me the time I needed. And they still are, but in a much different way now that my short term medical leave was denied by their insurance provider – apparently recurrent pregnancy loss and the mental health consequences does not count as a reason to require short term disability.

My doctor really thought I’d get approved for short-term disability, so we thought we had about another month before we’d have to make a decision about my future employment. Options included resigning, long term unpaid leave of absence or going back to work either part time or full time. Since we thought we had some time, we were not focusing on this decision right now because as great as my employer has been regarding my family situation and medical needs during each miscarriage, for a number of other reasons they cause me a great deal of stress.

So, why does my employer cause me so much stress? I’m used to working extensive overtime (i.e working about 70 hours a week while only being paid for 40); they treat me horribly (i.e. give me a promotion, but then take it away the next day because someone in another office is jealous); rather than hiring a replacement for a maternity leave position, ask/tell me to take on their job, in addition to my existing insane workload; expect unachievable deadlines from both internal managers and clients to be met; do not provide additional staff support when I’ve requested it, but hire someone to support the group the second I went on medical leave, because they couldn’t possibly do all my work; the company is disrespectful and dismissive of opinions if they do not match exactly what the corporate culture is; etc. It’s really not a good place to work for someone like me who has integrity and no longer wants to be a modern day corporate slave.

So, now that we were forced to consider our alternatives a little bit earlier than initially planned, we made a decision and put it into effect.

I’m done. I quit. It’s over. I’m out.

Yes, that’s right, after months of indecision, debate, confusion, frustration, and discussions, I finally did it.

I resigned.

I did not back down, I held my own, and it was actually relatively easy. The seemingly understood. They want me back when I’m ready to come back. It could be once we have a healthy child, or even if we make it through the first trimester and want to return to work. They will leave it up to me, but made it perfectly clear that I have a job with them, whenever I want it.

While they were nice about it and I left on good terms, I just know regardless of what happens with our future family, that company was not the right place for me. I know that I must find a career that is meaningful, enjoyable, and is in a respectful and healthy environment. And I need to balance my search for that career with my recovery and our next attempt.

And, now, I need to focus on:

  • Dealing with my guilt about not working and not contributing to our financial situation;
  • Living stress free; and,
  • Caring for myself, my husband, and our next baby.

And, I still need to figure out how exactly I am going to take the world by storm.

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