This is a real and honest look at one of my biggest fears – and it’s not the fear of not having kids.  It’s the fear of losing my husband to our attempts to have kids.  (Thank you infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss for giving me this wonderful fear).

We’ve been together for almost 14 years.  And for the first 12, I knew we’d be together forever.  There was never a doubt in my mind that I would spend my life with this wonderful man.  Not even a glimmer of doubt.  Or even a speck.  Now, I’m scared (not today specifically, but some days and mostly during an actual miscarriage when my emotions are insane).  For the most part we are okay and I know we have a very good marriage compared to many out there.  But, we argue now more than we ever did before – maybe once a month we have an argument.  No matter the specific topic it always comes down to RPL in some way shape or form.  Maybe my disappointment with someone’s pregnancy announcement or the desire to look into adoption or me leaving work and reducing our income or maybe me being less rational then I used to be.  When we do argue, it’s always about real and important thing.  Some days I feel like we will never agree.  I acknowledge we deal in different ways, but if we don’t deal together we will never make it. We argue enough that we have made the decision to learn to argue better, and in a healthy manner to help preserve our marriage and our love for each other (see that post here and FYI is really has made an awesome difference to us).

I am petrified of losing him.  I mention it and he gets mad. He won’t even talk about it.  Nothing is said to make me feel better, even though it would be easy enough to acknowledge my fear and say he doesn’t want it to happen either.  Instead his only comment is it’ll never happen because we love each other and I won’t acknowledge something that stupid. He doesn’t even see it as a possibility because the arguments don’t bother him.  Apparently he just forgets about them. So instead we gloss over it and he moves on.  I don’t.  I remember.  I hurt.  I’m afraid this hurt will become more one day.  I’m afraid that my emotions don’t matter and I may resent this one day.

I never truly felt crazy before, I’ve joked about even in this blog but never truly felt it until he has said it and said it to be negative and said it to criticize.  He never criticized me before.  I thought he loved me for me, warts and all, but now sometimes I wonder if he loved me when it was easy.  And if these hard times and my apparent crazy (which is usually hormone driven) will change that.

If I knew it meant we’d be together forever, I’d stop trying for children today.  I’d give up and accept childfree as our life if I knew it would make everything okay between us.

Nothing is worth losing him. Nothing.

I cannot even count the nights we’ve gone to bed mad at each other, particularly since loss number 3 when we figured out this is for real and not just a coincidence.  This had never happened in the 11 years before this RPL.

I miss our stupid arguments.  I miss thinking someone didn’t empty the dishwasher was a big deal.  I miss the simple things.  I miss not having significant worries.

Are we actually strong enough to get through thus?  I do truly believe we will. He’s the most important person in my life.  I love him deeply and truly.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  I stand by my wedding vows, I stand by our love.  But, I’m not in his brain, so I don’t always know where he’s at. And I’m afraid. Really afraid.  Like deep down in my core, at the root of my very bringing.  I am afraid.

I think any couple experiencing a miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss has a unique stress put on there marriage.  The stress makes sense – while we, the parents, are forced to continue living, we are also forced to deal with continually losing our little babies to miscarriages with relatively little social support.  This means we are continually surrounded by death.  In addition to losing the actual baby, we lose our hopes and dreams for our child and future family. We live without excitement each time we get pregnant.  Instead we now live in fear for the next one and actively work to keep our fears to a minimum so that we can live a productive life while trying and while pregnant. So, how do do marriages make it through this type of stress?  Well, I’m not sure not all do, we are committed to ensuring we do make it through this.  And, one of those steps is for me to keep this fear of losing my husband at bay and not let it take over.  So, how do I do this?

  • I remind myself that we are completely committed to doing this together. We are trying for a 6th time because we both want to. After that, whatever the outcome, we will re-evaluate our future family.
  • If its on my mind (which isn’t that often right now because we have been baby/miscarriage free for a few months), I remind him that I have this fear.  And he is getting better at acknowledging how I feel even if he doesn’t agree.
  • He understands how much I hate arguing with him.  Even though arguments don’t seem to affect him in the same way as they do me, he is committed to reigning in our arguments so that they don’t leave a lasting affect on me and therefor us.
  • Our decision about when enough is enough, is our decision. We will make this decision together.
  • We are both looking into adoption and evaluating our feelings about adoption so that we can make a decision in the next few months.
  • We will acknowledge our differences and continue to allow ourselves to disagree respectfully, but we will always turn to each other when we need support.
  • We will continue to care for each other.
  • We love each other.

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Praise to…Costco

I think you are great. I think you are a wonderful creation. You might even be my favourite store ever. Your prices are fair. Your website is amazing (quite possibly the best online shopping store out there). Your customer service is top-notch (and in our experience when have fallen short – like that time our lawn furniture was destroyed upon delivery or that time you forgot to order the last set of tires available tires for our vehicle – you’ve fixed the situation as soon as possible). You make returns hassle free, even on-line returns which is just awesome in my humble opinion. You provide top quality meats and vegetables. You provide my prescription glasses at the best price I’ve ever found (and I’m nearly blind so this is quite the compliment). You take my amazing digital photos and turn them into wall worthy prints. You now sell me fuel for my car at a better price then the competition and sell me alcohol at ridiculously low prices. You really are amazing!

But, I do have one legitimate complaint about you. Every time I step inside your giant warehouse, you take away much more money then I intended to part with. I always find a great deal or two, and end up spending more then I ever expect. And since my husband hates stepping foot in Costco (don’t be offended, he hates stepping foot in any store), I end up left to my own devises without a “conscious” to keep me in-line and focused on buying only the items on the list. Some days I come home with unexpected clothing; a book or two or three; a desk chair; wild sockeye salmon; a new kitchen table; a new pair of sunglasses, etc. Yes, usually these items are on our want list, but just not the priority list. You are amazing when it comes to finding things I either happen to legitimately need or just really want. You take more of my hard-earned cash than any other store out there.

So, I started writing this post on Costco, in the same manner I’ve written other posts, laced with humor and sarcasm (see my post on Candy Crush to get an idea of what I mean). When I was there yesterday, I was mentally planning out my entertaining post – I even took photos of my cart growing and taking away my money to add to the humor (and I never have this kind of foresight to actually take photos).

The start of my Costco adventure.  Always filled with anticipation at what good deal I will find next.

The start of my Costco adventure. Always filled with anticipation at what good deal I will find next.

If you look closely you can clearly tell that I am absolutely addicted to chai tea latte's and I love my fruits and veggies.  And my dog is clearly a fan of dentasticks.

If you look closely you can clearly tell that I am absolutely addicted to chai tea latte’s and I love my fruits and veggies. And my dog is clearly a fan of dentasticks.

But, then, with a simple google search, my thoughts on this post have been completed changed. You see, I googled Costco and started reading more about the corporation and there history. I’ve always been told that Costco treats its staff better than most corporations, but when you read about them, they actually sound like one of the best corporations out there at least when compared to other large big box stores.

My brief online review has resulted in my initial love for Costco growing astronomically! While, I’m not saying I believe everything I read on the internet, and I’m not saying Costco is perfect (no multi-billion dollar corporation is and this recent CBC article of dog food raises some questions), I am saying on the whole the company actually really impresses me. Mistakes will be made. Decisions will be made that not everyone agrees with. But, on the whole, form what I can tell, Costco is awesome!

So, my initial list of reasons I love Costco (as discussed above) has now been extended to include these nifty little facts:

  1. The CBC article above mentions that no link to the dog food has not been proved. So, being a naive and trusting person, I assume Costco is making the decision to continue to sell the products based on the fact that there is no scientific evidence saying otherwise.
  2. Costco was the first company to grow from zero to $3 billion in sales in less than six years (Wikipedia) – if that is true that’s just some awesome business skills!
  3. Costco requires a membership to shop there. Now, while I like this, many others do not. We spend enough money there, that every year we actually make more money back off our executive membership then the cost of the membership. (If it wasn’t already clear, I shop there for most things, and therefore I shop there a lot). So, I actually make money off my purchases, albeit it’s not a lot of money, but money is money. To my knowledge, no other store gives me cash back once a year. And, combine this with the points I collect on my American Express, and I’m doing great!
  4. Costco pays there staff well – “Costco pays its hourly workers an average of $20.89 an hour, not including overtime (vs. the minimum wage of $7.25 an hour). By comparison, Walmart said its average wage for full-time employees in the U.S. is $12.67 an hour” (BloombergBusinessweek). If Costco can do it, and do it successfully, why can the other stores not pay their staff a living wage? This just doesn’t make sense to me.
  5. You don’t have to be married to or even reside in the same house as the second person on your membership card. For years, my husband and a friend split a membership. This reduces the membership fee.
  6. Costco allows non-members to shop in there store through the use of gift cards. So, there is always a way to shop there.
  7. Costco’s CEO “earned $650,000 in 2012, plus a $200,000 bonus and stock options worth about $4 million, based on the company’s performance….By contrast, Walmart CEO Mike Duke’s 2012 base salary was $1.3 million; he was also awarded a $4.4 million cash bonus and $13.6 million in stock grants” (BloombergBusinessweek). Seriously, those numbers are staggering when compared to the average person’s salary, but still, Costco clearly is able to attract and retain a top CEO for much less ten Walmart.
  8. Rather then laying off staff during the 2009 economic downturn, like Macy’s, Best Buy, Home Depot, and Office Depot, Costco provided a $1.50-an-hour-wage increase spread out over 3 years to all hourly staff (BloombergBusinessweek). Yes, that’s right, Costco chose to reduce their profits, and help their staff. Now, if only more companies could do this, I’m sure the world would be a better place.
  9. Costco also provides more benefits to its staff then Walmart – “82% of Costco employees have health-insurance coverage, compared with less than half at Wal-Mart. And Costco workers pay just 8% of their health premiums, whereas Wal-Mart workers pay 33% of theirs. Ninety-one percent of Costco’s employees are covered by retirement plans, with the company contributing an annual average of $1,330 per employee, while 64 percent of employees at Sam’s Club are covered, with the company contributing an annual average of $747 per employee.” (Harvard Business Review)
  10. “Turnover at the company runs just 10% overall for hourly workers and 6% if they stay longer than one year, he told me. Those figures are miniscule compared to overall turnover rates of 67% for part-time staffers and 24% for full-timers” at other corporations (Fortune). This remarkably low turnover rate is likely indicative of staff satisfaction (no-one stays very long in a job they dislike). And of course, this would also be helping Costco’s bottom line as they are not faced with high human resource costs related to continually interviewing, training new staff, etc.

Most of these stats are based on American numbers, but it appears that they treat all there staff equally throughout the world. These numbers and facts paint a very telling picture, at least to me – Costco is a corporation that understands that there is a direct link between treating your staff well and company performance.

So, guess where I will be continuing to shop?

Yes, that’s right – Costco!

Now, if only I can figure out the best time of day to go there to avoid the lines…

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