It’s been a weird week. A very weird week indeed.
First, from a blogging perspective, I jumped into a few heavy topics with my Tuesday post entitled In Response to Barbara Kay and the National Post – IVF For Obese Women is a Wish, Not a Right and my Wednesday post entitled A Little Bit More on Our Adoption Indecision. Post like these ones require a lot of energy to write. They require effort to think about the right words to ensure I’m conveying my message correctly. They require time to percolate in the back of my mind as I dwell on a particular sentence or two or even entire paragraphs. But, they are also fun to write because I enjoy the process more than writing something easy like My Doggies Tummy (which is fun in its own way, but just not the same).
The one in response to Barbara Kay was interesting for me, because first, I stumbled upon her column and had such a strong reaction to it. A reaction that I doubt I would have had a year ago, or even 2 months ago before I started blogging and reading about the real life IVF struggles many of my fellow bloggers are going through. Secondly, I actually submitted it to the National Post for publication (I have heard no response back from them, so I’m guessing they aren’t interested). I put my writing out there, to be judged and evaluated by a large audience. The surprising part, was that I was actually excited for it. It didn’t happen. But, oh well, I’m not too perturbed, there’s always next time.
The post on adoption was very nerve racking for me to post, not because I’m ashamed of how I feel. I am most definitely not. But, it’s the first time I’ve really articulated these feelings. It’s the first time, these words have been said outside of the safety of my husband and I and my psychologist. We know that if we end up eventually choosing a childfree life, we will face this judgement for this decision. But, I know, as Justine Froelker said in her post entitled Taking Off the Armor of My “Choice”, “…the only thing scarier than publicly owning all of this as my truth? Would be not owning it.” And I refuse to live a life ashamed of our decisions, particularly when I will not be even the slightest bit ashamed. I figure if we are not okay with the decision then it’s probably the wrong decision in the first place. I know whatever decision we eventually make, to adopt or not to adopt, we will accept this decision as ours and we will own it!
Second, from a personal perspective, we found this week somewhat unexpectedly that our doctors have decided to run some more tests on me next week. I guess we are just that much of an anomaly that they want to do a few more tests then they typically do for RPL patients. They have also indicated that they expect the tests to come back normal, but they just want to be sure. I’m not very excited and I’m pretty pissed off because months ago they decided not to do this test, and I pushed for it. Now after a 4th miscarriage, they’ve changed their mind and are going to do it, just in case. More then anything, I don’t want them to find something because I know I’ll be so upset that we lost the fourth baby when it could possibly have been prevented if they had done the testing earlier. This is actually our first time feeling any sort of frustration with our fertility clinic – they have just been so amazing to us. And, I know, it’s better to have the tests then to not, and because we are advocating for our situation they are doing these extra tests. So, really, I shouldn’t be frustrated with them, I should be thankful they are taking the time to thoroughly investigate our situation. Honestly, I’m just sick of going through painful tests just to be told that we are perfectly healthy.
Third, my husband and I argued. We rarely argue. We are almost always on the same page. Even though I’m trained in conflict resolution and I’m paid to engage in very difficult conversations and negotiate agreements in very tense situation on a regular basis, I find disagreeing with people very upsetting (people I work with are always surprised to find out that I hate this part of my career, because apparently I am just that good at it). Anyways, I hate doing it, and I hate it even more when it’s with someone I love, especially my husband. And I hate it even more when I don’t think we are on the same page yet, and I’m not sure when we will be because it’s not an urgent situation require us to agree right now. (A quick side note – our argument had nothing to do with RPL and kids, but now’s not the time to dive into that).
Fourth, I’ve done almost nothing all week. I have not been cooking. I have not been walking the dog much (it’s been snowing and raining all week – not fun to walk in). I have not been biking (again, that damn snow and rain is ruining all my fun). I have not been very social (although, once I noticed this on Wednesday I arranged lunches with friends for Thursday and Friday). I have not been reading much. I have not been eating much (this is usually a clear sign of stress for me, but I don’t feel stressed. I honestly just don’t feel hungry). I just have not been me. And it’s very weird, because I don’t feel stressed, anxious, or upset. But, I definitely have been off kilter this week. Some might say out of sorts.
So, maybe my week hasn’t actually been weird, it’s just been different? Maybe, this is just part of the process of finding my new way, and settling into a new routine now that I’m not working 80 hours a week?
Maybe. Or maybe not.
It will be interesting to see what next week brings.
So, my dog has a very sensitive tummy. This morning I’ve been listening to her stomach play the musical squirting sounds and her constant running to the back door to be let outside. Our dog doesn’t make a sound 99% of the time, so I know something is up because I woke up to the sound of her stomach and I can hear it from the other side of the house.
So, here’s her stomach story – she’s a rescue from an amazing group that works with stray and unwanted dogs living on first nation reserves. All we know about her “history” is that she lived on a reserve for about her first month, then with a quarantine holding family until she was 8 weeks old, and then foster family until we fell in love with her. We do not know if she was fed regularly by people, if she was found with siblings, if she was beaten (although some of her fear reaction indicates that she may have been), or if she had her mother around. We really don’t know too much other then we love her to pieces and she’s amazing and not a day goes by now that she is not showered with love.
Anyways, she has a special tummy. We didn’t know it when we adopted her, but she had giardia – a not so fun stomach parasite. And unfortunately she was stuck with us, two first time puppy people, who had no idea it was a major illness. So, she’d get sick with diarrhea, we’d go to the vet, and then he suggested that probably through the course of the holding home, the foster home and our home, she was just not eating anything consistently. She probably had allergies and a new food would work better and to switch brands once her stomach calms down after giving her ground beef and rice for a few days. So, we went through a 3-4 week cycle where she would have sever diarrhea, then we’d put her on ground beef and rice and then change the brand of food we were feeding her. Then we’d repeat this cycle, each time choosing a more specialist food, which would inevitably be more expensive then the last. After the third round, we went back to the vet, convinced something more was wrong. Turns out I was right.
On the vet’s orders, I got to experience another fun part of new puppy responsibilities – collecting doggy diarrhea for testing. An interesting poop collecting adventure and a couple hundred dollars later, we discovered our poor puppy was suffering from giardia. So, a course of antibiotics and she should be fixed. Well, its can never be that easy, and it took a few courses of antibiotics and a few more weeks. But we got her stomach all fixed up.
Unfortunately, the long term result of this has been that at 4 years old, she still has the most sensitive stomach in the world. We have to be very careful with what we feed her. We never change her food, or she suffers the consequences. The monthly new bag of food requires a special mixing to ensure it doesn’t upset her stomach. Bones are an absolute no-no. People food doesn’t happen (with the exception of limited cheese bits which are her absolute favourite). Rawhide doesn’t work. The poor girl never gets much in the way of special treats because any sudden food changes will usually result in diarrhea. Since we are so cautious, this only happens about once a year now (thankfully).
As for today, thankfully, just a few hours later, my house has been spared any signs of doggy diarrhea and her stomach has stopped playing music. She has finally fallen asleep next to me on the couch and I’m now listening to the relaxing sound of doggy snores as I sit here typing.