One of My Biggest Fears

This is a real and honest look at one of my biggest fears – and it’s not the fear of not having kids.  It’s the fear of losing my husband to our attempts to have kids.  (Thank you infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss for giving me this wonderful fear).

We’ve been together for almost 14 years.  And for the first 12, I knew we’d be together forever.  There was never a doubt in my mind that I would spend my life with this wonderful man.  Not even a glimmer of doubt.  Or even a speck.  Now, I’m scared (not today specifically, but some days and mostly during an actual miscarriage when my emotions are insane).  For the most part we are okay and I know we have a very good marriage compared to many out there.  But, we argue now more than we ever did before – maybe once a month we have an argument.  No matter the specific topic it always comes down to RPL in some way shape or form.  Maybe my disappointment with someone’s pregnancy announcement or the desire to look into adoption or me leaving work and reducing our income or maybe me being less rational then I used to be.  When we do argue, it’s always about real and important thing.  Some days I feel like we will never agree.  I acknowledge we deal in different ways, but if we don’t deal together we will never make it. We argue enough that we have made the decision to learn to argue better, and in a healthy manner to help preserve our marriage and our love for each other (see that post here and FYI is really has made an awesome difference to us).

I am petrified of losing him.  I mention it and he gets mad. He won’t even talk about it.  Nothing is said to make me feel better, even though it would be easy enough to acknowledge my fear and say he doesn’t want it to happen either.  Instead his only comment is it’ll never happen because we love each other and I won’t acknowledge something that stupid. He doesn’t even see it as a possibility because the arguments don’t bother him.  Apparently he just forgets about them. So instead we gloss over it and he moves on.  I don’t.  I remember.  I hurt.  I’m afraid this hurt will become more one day.  I’m afraid that my emotions don’t matter and I may resent this one day.

I never truly felt crazy before, I’ve joked about even in this blog but never truly felt it until he has said it and said it to be negative and said it to criticize.  He never criticized me before.  I thought he loved me for me, warts and all, but now sometimes I wonder if he loved me when it was easy.  And if these hard times and my apparent crazy (which is usually hormone driven) will change that.

If I knew it meant we’d be together forever, I’d stop trying for children today.  I’d give up and accept childfree as our life if I knew it would make everything okay between us.

Nothing is worth losing him. Nothing.

I cannot even count the nights we’ve gone to bed mad at each other, particularly since loss number 3 when we figured out this is for real and not just a coincidence.  This had never happened in the 11 years before this RPL.

I miss our stupid arguments.  I miss thinking someone didn’t empty the dishwasher was a big deal.  I miss the simple things.  I miss not having significant worries.

Are we actually strong enough to get through thus?  I do truly believe we will. He’s the most important person in my life.  I love him deeply and truly.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  I stand by my wedding vows, I stand by our love.  But, I’m not in his brain, so I don’t always know where he’s at. And I’m afraid. Really afraid.  Like deep down in my core, at the root of my very bringing.  I am afraid.

I think any couple experiencing a miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss has a unique stress put on there marriage.  The stress makes sense – while we, the parents, are forced to continue living, we are also forced to deal with continually losing our little babies to miscarriages with relatively little social support.  This means we are continually surrounded by death.  In addition to losing the actual baby, we lose our hopes and dreams for our child and future family. We live without excitement each time we get pregnant.  Instead we now live in fear for the next one and actively work to keep our fears to a minimum so that we can live a productive life while trying and while pregnant. So, how do do marriages make it through this type of stress?  Well, I’m not sure not all do, we are committed to ensuring we do make it through this.  And, one of those steps is for me to keep this fear of losing my husband at bay and not let it take over.  So, how do I do this?

  • I remind myself that we are completely committed to doing this together. We are trying for a 6th time because we both want to. After that, whatever the outcome, we will re-evaluate our future family.
  • If its on my mind (which isn’t that often right now because we have been baby/miscarriage free for a few months), I remind him that I have this fear.  And he is getting better at acknowledging how I feel even if he doesn’t agree.
  • He understands how much I hate arguing with him.  Even though arguments don’t seem to affect him in the same way as they do me, he is committed to reigning in our arguments so that they don’t leave a lasting affect on me and therefor us.
  • Our decision about when enough is enough, is our decision. We will make this decision together.
  • We are both looking into adoption and evaluating our feelings about adoption so that we can make a decision in the next few months.
  • We will acknowledge our differences and continue to allow ourselves to disagree respectfully, but we will always turn to each other when we need support.
  • We will continue to care for each other.
  • We love each other.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

25 Comments on “One of My Biggest Fears

  1. I really hear and feel you on this. I can say that I have shared this fear even though there is no evidence to suggest it be realized anytime soon. It may not be for you two but one of the things that has helped us is seeing both our relationship counselor and our grief counselor when things get rocky or we simply feel overwhelmed, depressed or lost (or some combination of the three). I think this works for a few reasons – one, it addresses the shame of it all (by speaking out and naming our pain and our fears and our conflicts we are not giving in to the shame we feel by secreting them away); two, it provides a new perspective and insights from someone who is not in the trenches and too close to it all as we are; and three, it lets us see and hear each other through new eyes and ears because stuff always comes up that we might never say or share when alone together.

    You seem pretty level and already have a counselor, so I’m only throwing this out there as something to think about if your fears about the impact this all is having on your relationship become bigger or more in-your-face one day. In the meantime, I wish you so much peace and will keep hoping that your loss cycle will end soon. Warm hugs!

    Like

    • Thank so much for sharing your thoughts and suggestions – I always appreciate your words of wisdom!
      We actually already have a couples counselor for every single one of the reasons you mentioned. It’s been a really good for us, particularly as we deal with each miscarriage.

      Like

  2. I completely understand your fear. I share it. 😦 I hope you and your husband can work things out and try to focus on the big picture rather than letting your emotions get to you! ❤

    Like

  3. I sometimes wonder those things also. I definitely puts a unique stress on a relationship, as you said. You seem to really be on the right track. When I’ve talked about this w/ my husband, he says he just processes it differently than I do. I wish I had a magic pill to make it all better. All I can say is that I try not to let TTC take over our lives. We are doing what we can, but it is important to do other things, talk about other things, have fun, completely TTC-unrelated!! Hang in there! Sounds like your commitment to one another will take you through this! :

    Like

    • If only there were a magical pill to fix all of this! But, life just doesn’t work that way.
      I have to agree about not letting TTC take over – I think its one of the most important things we try to do.
      Thanks for sharing!

      Like

  4. Not only did I fear about losing my husband, but also I have been afraid of loosing myself, my sanity and identity as a woman. I started trying different things to help myself and improve our relationship. Three things helped me so far. First, I ask for an half day each weekend to do things together, either going to a movie, walking or golfing. The point is to renew our energy as a couple. I avoid any argument or tough topics. Second, I set a time to talk to him about things going in my head or some topics I want to discuss. So, he is prepared and not being attacked by my random thoughts/comments. Third, the most important thing, I remind myself that he loves me. There is no reason to poke holes when there is none. Even though I have tools (like above), I still run into red lights. I am constantly adjusting.

    No relationship is easy and ours with baby loss and infertility are even harder. Be strong.

    Like

    • Thanks so much for sharing. I love your three things! Great ideas.
      I think there is a whole lot to be said about loosing ourselves, our sanity and our own identity as we get through this. It’s one of the biggest challenges actually. I look at who I was 2 years ago, and who I am today – very different indeed. I think we could each write a whole post on it.

      Like

  5. It’s so true. RPL really is hard on relationships. Your world is thrown upside down and you’re grieving. There are so many emotions involved and on top of it all, men and women tend to deal with this kind of stress and pain differently. It’s a wonder any couples stay together after all of that. I remember our grief counselor telling us at some point after we had been seeing her for a while, after the loss of our son, that we were a strong couple. That many couples don’t survive the loss of a child. I think for us, that comment has really stuck with us and with every loss since then, we have just kept telling ourselves we survived losing our son, we can survive anything together. And for the post part that’s true, but that isn’t so say that we haven’t had some really rough days since then, especially after each new loss. I understand your fear, but I think you and your hubby will be just fine because you are talking about this and committed to working it out and supporting each other. I think it’s the couples who just stop caring that are the ones who are in the biggest trouble. Hugs hon.

    Like

    • Thanks for your positivity! Funny enough, we heard the same comment about many couples not making it, and it’s part of what drives us to make sure we keep working on things and work through the tough days! It sounds like, just like you and your husband, we love each other too much to give up. 🙂
      And I agree, I think its the couples who stop caring and who don’t have the hard conversations are the ones who lose each other, and that’s definitely not us. We always talk about what’s going on and we are definitely committed to working it out. So, at the end of the day I am confident we will make it through all of this. But like you said, some days are really rough and that’s when the doubt creeps in, but I’m thankful that those days are by far the minority of them.

      Like

      • I’m glad they’re not too often too. Hang in there hon. You two will get through this. Hugs XO

        Like

  6. I love that when you acknowledge a fear or problem that you make steps to help yourself stick with it! That is amazing! I have been trying for almost 2 years but it just hasn’t happen. I couldn’t even imagine what you and your husband have been through but I am moved by your strength with the situation. I wish for the best for you and your husband!

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your comment and your positive energy!
      I think infertility, no-matter how it happens, sucks! Its emotionally draining and exhausting. Whether it’s through miscarriages or being unable to conceive, we are all working to accept the possibility of a very different future then what we always had in mind. And, we are all grieving the loss of a dream for ourselves and our families. I hope one day soon you get your little one!

      Like

  7. Disagreements are a natural part of any real relationship. It is bound to happen sooner or later. A strong relationship will withstand the storm. Yours seems to be that kind of relationship. You also seem to be looking forward in the right direction. Keep moving toward your goals. It will make the bumps seem less obtrusive!

    Like

    • Thank you for such wonderful advice! I really appreciate the acknowledgement that disagreements happen in all relationships – sometimes I forget that not everything we are experiencing is unique to RPL. Thanks 🙂

      Like

  8. I understand your fear. It’s entered my mind before and shook me to the core. Keep being honest with each other, love hard and show you’re appreciation for one another.

    Like

  9. Pingback: Finding Myself through Recurrent Pregnancy Loss | My Perfect Breakdown

  10. My husband and I had an argument last night… One that makes me think I need to ask him if he’s really in this with me. I’m scared to ask though. The things this infertility struggle does to us, I tell ya.

    Like

    • It absolutely sucks!! Like I said, one of the worst parts of all of this, is the fear that one day he’ll decide enough is enough.
      I try to remind myself when we do have those horrible arguments, that its more about the raw emotion then anything else.
      I hope you are both doing better now. 🙂

      Like

      • I guess we are better, but not sure about good. I’m not sure we’ll ever be good given the situation of him always working and me wanting a baby so badly. I guess all I can do is pray the future is brighter.

        Like

  11. Pingback: I Don’t Like Most Kids | My Perfect Breakdown

Thoughts? I love hearing from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: