One of My Biggest Fears
This is a real and honest look at one of my biggest fears – and it’s not the fear of not having kids. It’s the fear of losing my husband to our attempts to have kids. (Thank you infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss for giving me this wonderful fear).
We’ve been together for almost 14 years. And for the first 12, I knew we’d be together forever. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would spend my life with this wonderful man. Not even a glimmer of doubt. Or even a speck. Now, I’m scared (not today specifically, but some days and mostly during an actual miscarriage when my emotions are insane). For the most part we are okay and I know we have a very good marriage compared to many out there. But, we argue now more than we ever did before – maybe once a month we have an argument. No matter the specific topic it always comes down to RPL in some way shape or form. Maybe my disappointment with someone’s pregnancy announcement or the desire to look into adoption or me leaving work and reducing our income or maybe me being less rational then I used to be. When we do argue, it’s always about real and important thing. Some days I feel like we will never agree. I acknowledge we deal in different ways, but if we don’t deal together we will never make it. We argue enough that we have made the decision to learn to argue better, and in a healthy manner to help preserve our marriage and our love for each other (see that post here and FYI is really has made an awesome difference to us).
I am petrified of losing him. I mention it and he gets mad. He won’t even talk about it. Nothing is said to make me feel better, even though it would be easy enough to acknowledge my fear and say he doesn’t want it to happen either. Instead his only comment is it’ll never happen because we love each other and I won’t acknowledge something that stupid. He doesn’t even see it as a possibility because the arguments don’t bother him. Apparently he just forgets about them. So instead we gloss over it and he moves on. I don’t. I remember. I hurt. I’m afraid this hurt will become more one day. I’m afraid that my emotions don’t matter and I may resent this one day.
I never truly felt crazy before, I’ve joked about even in this blog but never truly felt it until he has said it and said it to be negative and said it to criticize. He never criticized me before. I thought he loved me for me, warts and all, but now sometimes I wonder if he loved me when it was easy. And if these hard times and my apparent crazy (which is usually hormone driven) will change that.
If I knew it meant we’d be together forever, I’d stop trying for children today. I’d give up and accept childfree as our life if I knew it would make everything okay between us.
Nothing is worth losing him. Nothing.
I cannot even count the nights we’ve gone to bed mad at each other, particularly since loss number 3 when we figured out this is for real and not just a coincidence. This had never happened in the 11 years before this RPL.
I miss our stupid arguments. I miss thinking someone didn’t empty the dishwasher was a big deal. I miss the simple things. I miss not having significant worries.
Are we actually strong enough to get through thus? I do truly believe we will. He’s the most important person in my life. I love him deeply and truly. I cannot imagine my life without him. I stand by my wedding vows, I stand by our love. But, I’m not in his brain, so I don’t always know where he’s at. And I’m afraid. Really afraid. Like deep down in my core, at the root of my very bringing. I am afraid.
I think any couple experiencing a miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss has a unique stress put on there marriage. The stress makes sense – while we, the parents, are forced to continue living, we are also forced to deal with continually losing our little babies to miscarriages with relatively little social support. This means we are continually surrounded by death. In addition to losing the actual baby, we lose our hopes and dreams for our child and future family. We live without excitement each time we get pregnant. Instead we now live in fear for the next one and actively work to keep our fears to a minimum so that we can live a productive life while trying and while pregnant. So, how do do marriages make it through this type of stress? Well, I’m not sure not all do, we are committed to ensuring we do make it through this. And, one of those steps is for me to keep this fear of losing my husband at bay and not let it take over. So, how do I do this?
- I remind myself that we are completely committed to doing this together. We are trying for a 6th time because we both want to. After that, whatever the outcome, we will re-evaluate our future family.
- If its on my mind (which isn’t that often right now because we have been baby/miscarriage free for a few months), I remind him that I have this fear. And he is getting better at acknowledging how I feel even if he doesn’t agree.
- He understands how much I hate arguing with him. Even though arguments don’t seem to affect him in the same way as they do me, he is committed to reigning in our arguments so that they don’t leave a lasting affect on me and therefor us.
- Our decision about when enough is enough, is our decision. We will make this decision together.
- We are both looking into adoption and evaluating our feelings about adoption so that we can make a decision in the next few months.
- We will acknowledge our differences and continue to allow ourselves to disagree respectfully, but we will always turn to each other when we need support.
- We will continue to care for each other.
- We love each other.
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