A few days ago, I wrote about one of my biggest fears – losing my husband. Out of that post, a fellow blogger commented “I have been afraid of losing myself, my sanity and identity as a woman.” Her comment really resonated with me, and it definitely didn’t take me long to realize, I needed to write something about losing myself through recurrent pregnancy loss. So, here goes:
If you asked me 2 years ago to describe myself, I would have had a simple and straight forward list of words that describe me to a tee:
Confident
Professional
Loyal
Dedicated
Happy
Healthy
Over-achiever
Perfectionist
High-Strung
Absolute
Decisive
Passion
Unsympathetic
Strong-willed
Opinionated
Adventurous
Success
Independent
Active
Planner extraordinaire
People Pleaser
Structured
Educated
Today, I struggle to answer that question, because I am simply not the same person I was. A lot of the above traits continue to hold true (a strong personality doesn’t die overnight), but they aren’t the first words to pop into my mind. When I look at the aforementioned list, I see that almost everything here is based around my career. To be successful in my industry, particularly as a women, many (but not all) of these traits are essential. And honestly, I’m not sure that I love what I see in that list. I see a women who is so focused on success and unbelievably career driven that there isn’t much room left for anything else.
So, today, I put my mind to creating a list of new traits I exhibit, some good, and some not so good. Here’s what I came up with:
Courageous
Emotional
More sympathetic and sometimes less sympathetic
Thoughtful
Confused
Creative
Grieving
Self-Aware
Diligent
Erratic
Frustrated
Tired
Cautious
Worried
Expressive
Self-Reflective
This list really shouldn’t be listed as a straightforward list, with an implied hierarchy of importance. Rather it should be more of a chaotic and sporadic representation, which is much more reflective of me, because depending on the day some traits are more prevalent than others:
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So, looking at the new me, I’m thinking, maybe it’s not at all about losing myself, rather is really all about finding myself? Looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. Maybe, this bullshit RPL journey, will force me to find me? I suspect this new me is open to limitless possibilities.
Maybe, just maybe, I am getting to a point where I’m ready to start accepting a not so perfect life – maybe I’m realizing that it doesn’t have to a perfect breakdown, controlled to the tenth degree. Instead, it can just be my perfect breakdown – my version, which isn’t bound by societal norms and acceptance. Maybe, I can actually have and accept a life with faults. A life with some drama. A life with a different type of adventure – not the traveling to foreign countries and experiencing the world kind of adventure (although those adventures are still pretty awesome), but a life with adventure within my daily life. There doesn’t have to be a plan, there can be some messiness and some chaos.
So maybe, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss is in a round-about way, helping me find myself, rather than living the perfect life I’ve always expected of myself. I suspect if nothing else, this will force me to continue to grow as a person.
I know regardless of the outcome, there will be ups and downs. There will be erratic and emotional days, but there will also be more creative days. There will still be perfectionist days driven by my strong-willed, over-achieving self. But, there will also be days of thoughtful, self-reflection. And, this is okay. And truth be told, it might just be a healthier lifestyle.
But, regardless of what happens, I can promise you, this journey will result in a better version of me. Because, I will not accept anything else of myself. I will push to be a better person. I will strive to be the best, yet I will also accept that I will not always be perfect.
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I wrote a post the other day about how I am working to see, acknowledge and embrace the small successes in life, and how I still kinda suck at it. Well, I think karma may have just got me back for not giving the exercise an honest effort.
Yes, I acknowledged the small successes – I even wrote a list of small successes in that post – so I clearly saw and acknowledged them. But, I think any keen observer would see that I definitely didn’t embrace them. In fact, I did the exact opposite – I went and applied for an interesting looking job because I was so frustrated by the pathetic list. (Clearly, my ingrained all-or-nothing, perfectionist, over-achieving self will not be tamed easily).
So, how did karma kick me in the ass?
My husband hurt his ankle late Friday afternoon. He often sprains his ankle – about once a year. So, he assumed it was another sprain and wouldn’t take the injury seriously, but I can honestly say I’ve never seen him in so much pain (and it sucks seeing him in that kind of pain, and knowing I cannot do anything to help or to take away the pain – sorta like the tables of have been turned as he’s used to watching me go through the physical side of a miscarriage and being unable to help). I was able to convinced him to at least go to a medical supply store and buy a decent ankle brace, and tried to convince him that he needed x-rays asap and at the very least he should see our family doctor on Monday. He suffered all weekend, limping around everywhere we attempted to go. And finally on Monday afternoon, after his colleague also suggested that he go to the doctor, it has now been confirmed as a fracture in his ankle. (Have I mentioned that we have the most amazing family doctor? I really should write a post all about him – he is absolutely phenomenal and I am so thankful we have such a great doctor to rely on).
So, now that my husband is officially broken, I have to do everything around the house and I’m even going to be helping him with some of his work that requires an able bodied person. In 3 weeks he will get another set of x-rays to see how it is healing. But until then he is in an air cast walking boot and crutches when needed. It’s never good timing to break yourself, but we live for the summer when we can go camping and hiking, so this really sucks. Oh, and he’s a groomsmen in a wedding this weekend – I’m sure the bride is devastated as she thinks about her wedding photos (but since it’s a removal air cast, he will likely take it off for photos).
I figure, if nothing else, now all my pathetic things on that list really do matter. If I’m feeling lazy, it’s just too bad for me because the lawn will not get mowed if I don’t do it, the flowers will not get watered (although, I still may end up drowning them), the dog will not get walked, etc. I’m sure as my husband starts to feel a bit better, he will start doing more, but at least for a few weeks, it’s going to be on my shoulders to ensure the basics are done – like, making sure we have groceries in the house and keeping the dog fed and watered. Somehow, when the items on that list are an absolute necessity, they seem a little less pathetic. Weird, eh?
Thanks karma for teaching me a little lesson about making a half-hearted attempt and my bad attitude. Although, truth be told, I don’t think my husband is appreciating the form of your lesson.
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On a completely separate note, one of the lovely ladies, Katie, that I nominated for the Blog Hop : Women Writing has shared her post. It’s definitely worth reading, so feel free to check it out here.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 