Adoption Agency Re-Evaluation

  Posted on February 12, 2015 By in Adoption

  21 Comments

I feel like I’ve spent the last week obsessively focusing on all our family drama and all the accompanying emotions.  I’m still hurting, but I also recognize that I cannot get stuck in a place of hurt at the expense of all the other things in our lives, most importantly our adoption stuff that while at times is stressful, is also incredibly exciting.

So, with that, I’m going to share what we have been up-to since we got so annoyed at the USA agency last week.

First, a few bloggers were just phenomenal with their advice and some even found the legislation that I so desperately needed. Thank you so much to so many of you, but particularly to Bruised Banana and Spirit Baby Come Home. I am just so unbelievably thankful for all your support and advice helping me figure out things well beyond my knowledge base.

First, I talked with my counsellor. Her first advice was that we don’t get scared away based on one bad conversation. She helped me see that with our insensitive family stuff happening at the same time, we were probably feeling rather sensitive about everything. Further, she reminded me that my gut reaction has never lead me wrong, and my first gut reaction months ago, was that this is the agency for us.  They are Hague Accredited, and approved by our province, neither of those tasks are small accomplishments – seriously, today only 5 USA agencies have met this criteria.

Second, I took a deep breath. I realize this might not be news worthy to many, but when I get stressed I tend to stop breathing like a normal human being. And of course a lack of oxygen and a racing mind results in exaggerated stress.

Third, I reached out to someone else in my real life who has adopted more than once from the USA, and recently chose to change agencies to the same one we are considering. I shared my concerns with her, and she let me know she had all the same concerns at one point too. And, then she did the most amazing thing, she found me all the answers that directly pertain to the agency we planned to use! She’s further into the process then we are, and so she was able to share what she has learned through her lawyer. How amazing was that?! She also reminded me that ultimately we will work with our lawyer more then we will the agency, but we just have to wait out the process to get the lawyer. So, for now we’ve decided not to hire our own private lawyer and risk stepping offside of the required process (which is something we were really worried about).

Fourth, we re-called the other 4 agencies available to us. Turns out, 3 of them are currently closed to out-going international adoptions. And, we still really don’t like the 4th one and simply will not adopt through them. So, we really don’t have much choice if we want to proceed with an international infant adoption – we have to use the agency we originally preferred.

So, this means we are proceeding with the same agency as before. And we are now doing so with our eyes even more wide open to the possibility of receiving confusing information from them. This also means, we will continue to educate and advocate for ourselves.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

 Tags: , , , , , ,

A Letter to My Family: Being a Good Person is Not Synonymous with Being a Door Mat

  Posted on February 11, 2015 By in Family

  49 Comments

Dear Family:

I fully believe in being a good person. I have lived my entire life, all 31 years, by the philosophy of

do unto others as you would have them do unto you

In fact, I credit many of you for this approach to life, as many of you helped instil this attitude in me as I was a child.

As I hope many of you know, my life has consisted of doing anything for anyone when I’ve been asked. I have done this in my professional life and my personal life. In both, I have never once asked for any sort of praise or thank you for any of it.

Ultimately, I have always answered the call for help, no matter when or what the call was for. And more importantly, I have answered the call regardless of the consequences to my own life.

In order to put everyone else first, I have put myself last.

So, today, I am writing to say no-more.

Just because we are bound together as family does not mean I deserve to be treated poorly by you. Being family does not mean I have to tolerate being hurt, time and time again. In fact, if anything, I believe the fact that we are family is the very reason I deserve better from you!

While I do not want to be a person who is keeping score or the person who builds up walls, I feel the need to start protecting my heart from the seemingly never ending hurt. And so, from here on out, I am going to start trying to practice more self-care and find a new balance.

Starting today, I am demanding better of each member of my extended family. I will help you, when I can, but I will not help you at the cost of my happiness and my self-respect. I deserve to be part of an equal relationship, and if you cannot offer me an equal partnership, than I will no longer be at your every beckon call. Instead, I will be focusing on those who care for and respect me. I will be focusing on nurturing the existing positive relationships in my life.

If you want to be a meaningful part of my life, then it’s time for you to start acting like you want to be. I will continue to live my life in a positive manner. I will continue to love and live my life compassionately. I will continue to help those truly in need. But, for the first time ever, I will also demand the same from you because I’ve finally started to realize that being a good person is not synonymous with being a door mat.

I do not know what this means exactly. And I really don’t know how it will unfold in reality. I have no intentions of cutting anyone out of my life, but I do have full intentions of putting myself first for a little while to figure out what I need for myself and from you, and from there I will work to accept the limitations that exist within those needs. After everything we have been though in the last few years with our lost babies and so many moments lacking basic compassion, I know that right now I need to practice some better self-care and find a better balance in my life.

I promise, when you treat me fairly and with respect, I will be here and I will answer the call. But until then, I hope you can understand on some level that I will love you from a bit further away as to protect my heart from more hurt because right now, I simply cannot bear anymore.

Love,

Me (your daughter, sister, step-daughter, step-sister, sister-in-law, and daughter in law)

….

Maybe one day I’ll actually have the courage to share this with my family. But for today, this letter is more of a promise to myself and right now that matters more than anything else.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Follow My Perfect Breakdown on WordPress.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Copyright
Unless otherwise cited, all content, photos & text, are property of the author of "My Perfect Breakdown" and cannot be reproduced without permission. Should you like to use something, please contact the author for permission.

My Perfect Breakdown

Blog at WordPress.com.