I know, without a doubt I love this little baby.
I also know the arrival of this baby, does not change the fact that Mr. MPB and I have been deeply hurt by these family members. Our relationship with the parents is still severely damaged and will likely take years to heal. However, the baby is innocent to this, and I know without a doubt we will always do everything we can to love and support this child as they grow up.
And beyond that, I honestly don’t know how to feel. There are no manuals for how to handle these situations and so I am left to navigate this on my own.
I know that as much as I love this child, whom I have only seen in one photo, my heart still aches.
I ache for what we have been through.
I’m sad for what we’ve lost and what we will never have.
I’m devastated that I want to give my husband a child and my body just wont cooperate.
And I’m envious, I want what they have right now. I want the easy pregnancy. I want the birth experience. And more then anything, I want to hold our own living child in my arms.
And yet, in the face of these emotions, I am trying to be okay.
I realize today is this child’s birthday and so today is forever for this child.
And so today has nothing to do with the fact that we will never be the ones who give Mr. MPB’s family the first grandchild. And even more, today has nothing to do with me, our heartbreaking miscarriages or our lost babies.
And so, my emotions, my sorrow, my longing, all of it, is going to take a backseat today. Publicly I will be nothing but supportive and loving.
Yet in the safety of my own home, I will give myself space to silently process everything. I will acknowledge how I feel, but I will not focus on it. And outside of Mr. MPB no-one else will know about my feelings. Sadly, this is my lifelong burden to bare, and so I will with as much dignity as I can muster.
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I’m not one to dream. Or at least I’m not one to remember my dreams. And I’m not one to associate meaning with dreams, probably in part because I virtually never dream.
But last night, I had a dream and I remember it clear as day.
I was pregnant with triplets and at the hospital. I was hooked up to a tonne of machines and Mr. MPB was there with me. We watched one baby lose their heart beat. Then we watched a second one die immediately after. They rushed to deliver the third one before it died.
That’s it. I have no idea if the third one lived or not.
The next thing I woke up for the day. I was in a rush because I was running late for a meeting. And yet I froze. I couldn’t help but wonder, seriously, why am I having dreams like this?
First, triplets?! Ya, not going to happen!
Second, Mr. MPB was with me. Literally, even in my dreams he is beside me, supporting me every step of the way. I sure love that guy.
Third, we made it to the delivery room and our babies still died. We really will never have a safe date.
Fourth, now I dream about miscarriage? Will this part of my life ever actually be behind me? I want to move on. I am moving on. And yet my subconscious is still going there.
Fifth, if I never remember dreams, why did I have to remember this one? I would be happy to not be thinking about this right now. In fact I’d be thrilled to be thinking about happy flowers, sunshine and our dog – why can’t I have dreams about playing with our dog in a field of sunflowers? That seems like a great way to start a day!
So for me, this dream is just another reminder that life after recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility is not free of loss and grief. Our losses will always be part of who I am, and it may creep up on me when I least expect it.
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My Perfect Breakdown 