Today, I find myself slightly bitter.

Last week, our extended family grew.  We now have a beautiful little baby who will forever have part of our hearts.

We took the weekend and escaped to the mountains. And yet, when we returned home, my heart and mind became heavy.

My arms are still empty and there are no signs to make me think our baby is coming anytime soon.

In fact the most recent sign, our monthly adoption wait update, just increased my frustration and loneliness.  Our monthly update was an identical repeat of our first.  Some women looked at our profile and no-one chose us. Again, we weren’t even anyone’s second or third choice.

I know it can take time to be matched and placed.  I know it wont happen over night.  But, it’s already been 3 years of trying and losing and waiting and trying and losing and waiting.  It’s been a vicious cycle and now we are living purely in waiting and I hate it.  I really just want out of this loop.

And I am also really sick of waiting and watching others have their children.  Virtually all our friends and family members have at least one kid now.  And, we are not even being lapped by some for a second time.  I’m jealous. I’m envious.  I’m bitter.  And I hate those feelings. I hate knowing this side of myself.

I want it to be our turn!  I want to wrap my arms around our baby.  I want to sing lullabys.  I want to change smelly diapers (well, sort of).  I want to tickle baby toes. I want to read stories to our child.  I want Mr. MPB to be the father he is meant to be. I want to be a real mom.

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