Today is one of those days. Yes, that’s right, I’m going to rant.
And in the nature of a good rant, rather then beat around the bush, I’ll just say it.
I HATE WAITING.
We’ve been waiting for long enough and I’ve had enough!
I always said I wanted to be pregnant with my first by the time I was 29. Second by the time i was 32.
Well, the joke is on me. I guess I should have specified that I wanted a living child, rather then just pregnant. Since you know, pregnant with our first at 29 and our fifth and last before I was 32. And of course beyond all of this, I’m guessing I’ll be at least 33 before we have living child number 1, and who knows if number 2 will ever even exist. I’m sick of compromising on all my dreams, and still being left without.
I’m sick and tired of watching everyone else have their children and having to be happy for them and hide my personal sorrow.
I’m sick of talking to our parents and hearing the joy in their voices as they talk about their grandchildren.
I’m sick of being envious and bitter and angry and frustrated. I’m beyond tired of having all these emotions running through my veins with no escape.
I’m sick of working to pay for an adoption, instead of working to pay for our child’s future education. Heck, I’m sick of working, I want to be a mom and spend my days with our child.
I’m sick of sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring instead of living.
I’m tired of being patient and answering the question of any adoption updates yet?
I’m tired of living in a big family house with no sounds of children laughter.
I’m sick of nesting without having an end date in sight.
And all the while, we just get to sit here, waiting with no end in sight. There is no way to know just how long the wait will be. There is no magical adoption fairy that can give me a real time estimate. Honestly, I just want a magical adoption fairy to enter my life with some good news!
Oh, and while I am stuck waiting for our family with absolutely no end in sight, we get the added bonus of paying adoption bills while I wait. As if paying the bills will somehow help pass the time, without making this girl bitter.
I’ve had enough!
I just want what I want, and I want it now! Sans compromise!
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I have come to appreciate any moment I am able to spend with nature. Particularly those summer moments I spend in the Canadian Rocky Mountains.
It’s as though the mountain air breathes life into my soul. I slow down. I watch the birds flutter about. I listen to the nearby waters trickle down stream. I enjoy the crackle of the fire and the simplicity of life.
I feel at peace.
I’m fortunate that the mountains are my extended backyard. I can get to them and enjoy them almost whenever I need to. We spend out summer’s camping, hiking and fishing away the days.
So, clearly weekends in the mountains refresh and rejuvenate me. So much so that I tend to spend my weeks thinking about my next weekend escape.
Yet, as we packed up for this weekend camping trip, I knew it would be different.
First, we were going a lot further then we normally go, which meant many hours in the car driving and watching the scenery pass us by. I enjoy being in the mountains, but watching them pass us by through the car window is not my idea of fun.
Second, the weather gods were not on our side. The forecast ensured I packed a touque, mittens and long underwear.
Third, there would be no epic hikes. My blistered feet are still recovering from the last few hikes we’ve done. So I had no interest in pushing the boundaries with my already unhappy feet.
And lastly, we were sharing a campsite with some members of our extended family. This family that has a tendency raise my anxiety level and cause me extreme stress. And this family also has a tendency to make me feel smothered as they take away my me time with a need for constant attention, which is something I very much need.
So, as we left our house for the weekend, part of me wanted to turn back and run inside to the safety of my warm house.
That was out of the question, so we went.
And, now that I’m back home, I can report that we did not get snowed on, but we did spent a large majority of the weekend being rained on in 10 degree Celsius or colder weather (50 Fahrenheit). The evenings huddling close around the fire were cold, and at night I required long underwear, 5 blankets and Mr. MPB to keep warm. And the mornings were almost intolerable – no amount of tea could warm me up.
And the family? The family visit that turned my stomach in knots for days leading up to the visit? Well, it was surprisingly tolerable. Heck, it was even actually good at times! We told jokes. We played board games. We laughed. There were minimal differences of opinion and not too many moments of frustration. There were no invasive or stupid questions asked or insensitive comments made.
And so, on that positive note, I’ll leave you with a few photos from our weekend.
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My Perfect Breakdown 