Telling Friends – Part 1

One of those things you get to learn when you go through a tough time is, who are your real friends? And which friends have the courage to be there when you need them the most, even if they have no idea what you are going through. We sure have learned the answer to this one!

So, first let me explain that only two of my absolute closest friends knew about the first two pregnancies. We figured, the first two are statistically normal, so no big deal and no need to tell the world. We typically keep to ourselves, so we didn’t really want people to know we were trying. We wanted to have a surprise for our families when we had good news. My psychologist wanted us to tell people, but we kept saying no – our families won’t be supportive. I think this kinda annoyed her, but she respected our decision (not that she really had a choice). And as she got to know us better later in our journey, she started to understand our decision and eventually even admitted that we were right since some of the reactions were just as we expected – unhelpful and even hurtful. She recommended that maybe the best course of action is to start building friendships with people who will be supportive. Although, I’m still not sure how to do that – put out an ad in the classifieds or kijiji “looking for supportive friends, who don’t have children and won’t focus all conversations on babies?” Anyways, I digress.

Of course, by not telling people for the first two, we were also constantly hiding the fact that we were pregnant and/or trying to be pregnant. We call this the pregnancy bubble – living in all aspects of our lives the “healthy” lifestyle – no alcohol, no lunch meats, no chia tea lattes (and I love these), no strenuous activities, no cleaning products, etc. We got really good at avoiding Friday and Saturday night social events which almost always included alcohol, with excuses like “our dog’s sick” or “I have a migraine”. We got really good at planning breakfast get togethers (something we had always done every few months, but suddenly were doing more frequently) and any other time we went out, I was always the designated driver. It became a constant and annoying juggling game of which small white lie had we told to who, and making sure we kept our stories straight.

So when we hit the critical 3rd loss mark which meant we are now part of the 1% of the population who experience repeat miscarriages, we decided to tell a few more people. We were still very select on who we told and made it very clear to them, that we were not ready to tell the whole world and we expected them to keep our secrete to themselves. My husband and I are very logical in our decision making (as we usually are), so here is a few of the key reasons we decided not to tell the whole world:

  1. I’ve been through enough in my life to know that I do not like being the centre of attention for negative or positive things. I much prefer a quiet congratulations, or a small celebration and not having to answer questions.
  2. Telling people meant that we had to admit to the world what we were going through. Somehow this made it more real for me. We couldn’t hide from the fact that we may not be able to have children anymore.
  3. I had no desire to have people tell me it will be okay, that you can try again or maybe next time it will work. These are some of the most insensitive comments I have heard in the last few years. It belittles our loss. It leaves me empty every time I hear one of these comments. I feel like screaming at the person (who presumably actually trying to say something supportive), but of course I have to keep my cool and remain calm and smile and node.
  4. We didn’t want our future family decisions to become decision by committee. This is our decision – an intimate decision between a husband and a wife. A decision that deeply and profoundly affects every element of our future. Outside opinions are not welcome. So far, people who are in the know of our situation, have respected this. They may ask questions about how we are doing, but they do not try to tell us what we should do next. This has been a blessing, because I’m pretty sure if someone tries to give me an opinion on if we should try again, they will get to take the brunt of my anger.

3 Comments on “Telling Friends – Part 1

  1. Sadie,
    So much of what you’ve written here has rung true for me. I’ve been agonising how to tell certain people my news for the past few days. In fact, one of the reasons I started my blog is because I plan, at some point, to show it to friends in the hope that they might understand what I’m going through.
    I’ve spent the last two days writing my top 10 ‘do’s and don’ts’ on reacting to a friend’s miscarriage on my page. I wish I was brave enough to show this to friends now so that I could avoid any well intentioned but hurtful remarks when I tell them about my 4th miscarriage. You can find it here on:
    http://theincrediblemiscarriagewoman.wordpress.com/2014/04/17/my-modern-guide-to-miscarriage-etiquette/

    Like

    • I think telling people is such a challenge because in the Canadian context miscarriage is not openly discussed. We keep it hidden and therefore we suffer in silence and when we do tell people, they have no idea how to respond. We’ve lost one of our best friends to our miscarriages – I still struggle with this – but they just weren’t able to understand. Or at least they were not willing to even try.

      Anyways, I have started following your blog, so I will get all your future posts in my reader.

      Like

  2. Pingback: Not Our Typical Mountain Weekend Away | My Perfect Breakdown

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