I’m fuming right now.

I’m livid.

No, the world is not ending. The adoption is still proceeding (so don’t panic).

But, I’ve realized that I will not be able to be a stay-at-home mom.

It’s funny, for years I never thought I wanted to be. Then 5 miscarriages later, I realized I want nothing more than to raise my own child for their first few years.

But, then we chose international adoption with bills that literally make me sick to my stomach. Living off one income wasn’t really an option. Returning to work for a big corporate wasn’t really an option either. And so, I started my own consulting firm.   I’ve come to love and am passionate about what I’m doing. I enjoy the flexibility.

BUT, now I do not get any maternity leave. Literally zero.

Mr. MPB is also self-employed, and has been for a number of years.

So, every single day we are in the USA, we will make no money. Neither one of us gets paid for any time off, we have no vacation pay and no source of income unless we work.

We had no idea when an adoption would happen so I continued to work and continued to accept new contracts. I needed to. I cannot sit at home twiddling my thumbs waiting. I’m not meant for that. And, quite frankly we need the money. And so I have made commitments and I have no choice but to honour them because my clients will not wait for me to take an extended leave.

So, the combination of work commitments, adoption bills and lack of maternity leave means both Mr. MPB and I will be attempting to work remotely in the US. And once we come home, we will both be attempting to work and parent.

We are already looking to hire a nanny to come into our home 2 days a week. It will be expensive, but with all things about us having kids, expense seems to be the least of our concerns. We don’t have much choice so we will just make it work.

But, it’s going to be hell. I just don’t see how trying to work as a professional and raise a baby is going to be fun for anyone in the MPB household. I suspect I am going to feel like a failure at everything because I know I won’t be able to do everything. And I already know this will result in intense mommy guilt.

And so right now, I’m angry. I’m angry at the cost of adoption. I’m angry that the road to our child has been so hard and now we cannot give them everything we’ve dreamed about.

This working with an infant is not how I want to spend my child’s first few days and months and years.

It’s not what I’ve dreamed about.

I feel like we are going to be cheated out of so many special moments.

And most importantly, I already feel like we are cheating our child.  I feel like I’m letting them down and not able to give them everything they deserve.  It breaks my heart.

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