We were promised a phone call from our social worker once the relinquishment deadline had passed. The phone call was to confirm that the deadline passed without the birth mother having a change of heart and Baby MPB would always be ours to love and care for.
In the hours before the deadline my anxiety shot through the roof. Mr. MPB did everything he could to distract me (and himself too).
The deadline came and went. And we did not get the promised phone call. Which clearly sent me reeling.
What does this mean?
Did the birth mom call at the last minute and ask for him back?
Are the working out the details for us to return baby MPB?
How will we survive this?
How will Baby MPB survive this?
These thoughts went on for about 10 minutes. Until I couldn’t take it any more and I called our social worker myself.
The social worker did not answer, which did not help my anxiety. If anything, I started worrying even more that she was on the phone working on the details to return Baby MPB.
So, I started texting. I texted our social worker and our lawyer. I needed answer, and I needed them NOW!
About 5 minutes later our social worker finally responded with:
I was just in the washroom and couldn’t get to my phone.
Baby MPB is all yours, go celebrate!
And so, we did with a celebration of hugs and kisses in our hotel room (and maybe even a glass of wine for mommy and daddy).
And now, the one thing we know, without a doubt, is eventually we will go home as a family of 3!
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As we are entering into a time in our lives where we will have absolutely no control and I’m struggling with the ambiguity of day-to-day life. Honestly, while things are generally going really, really, amazingly well, every single day something happens that we have no ability to predict. And I am really struggling with the uncertainty. I get that with everything adoption, nothing goes according to plan. But then again, in life, does anything ever really go to plan? For me, a control freak who loves process, it’s hard for me to surrender to absolutely no control and to not have possible next steps mapped out in my mind. I will not lie, this is hard on me. And I’m tired of it.
I struggle when I try to explain this to the friends who know where we are. When I try to tell them about the match and the process and what we are going through here right now and everyone who has kids has said to me it’s just like when they had their children. But, I just don’t agree. (Feel free to disagree with me, but here me out first).
Having a child the “normal” or “traditional” way means that you go into your local hospital and you come out with a baby. Once you are released from the hospital you then go home. (It’s basic the dream, right?)
Not us. We had no idea where we were going once we are released from the hospital. Heck, we still don’t even know if we will take baby home with us, even now. We still have no idea what city we will be in or for how long. Right now, we have no kitchen and are relying on a microwave to sterilize everything and we have no idea if we will have access to a kitchen at the next destination. Infant laundry is not fun when you don’t have easy access to a washer and dryer. And to complicate our days further, currently we have daily conversations with our hotel about late check-outs and possible extensions of our stay. And we call our car rental company daily to extend our car rental. Oh, and we still have no idea when we will fly across the USA or when we will fly internationally to get home. And, to add to the frustration, we aren’t and wont be the ones directing these decisions, our lawyers and agency will be. And as we know, the agency sure doesn’t seem to care about how much this is costing us.
Oh, and we have no idea how to manage the medical system of a foreign country should Baby MPB be sick in any way. All I know is that it’s nothing like home where I just go to the nearest hospital and get treatment if I need it. (This one scares the bejeebers out of me, so we just keep desperately hoping he stays healthy).
So, while I’m complaining I do want to say that I know our friends mean well. I know they mean to say that babies don’t have schedules and no first time mom really knows what they are in for. But, it’s incredibly frustrating when they all seem to keep downplaying the fact that we are going to have an infant in a different country, in a hotel, with absolutely no-one nearby to call for help (amazingly, I do not know a single blogger that is near us – I’ve searched trying to find someone).
Yes, we are making it work. And yes, we have the most amazing little guy who makes every moment of this chaos worth it. It’s amazing in so many ways, and yet, I know without a doubt that this is not the normal way to be with your child the first few days, and I know the next few weeks are going to be hard. I know we can do it, and I truly believe we will be an amazing and happy story in the end.
Honestly, I guess I just want people in our lives to acknowledge that this is different. And that even if you remove all the uncertainties specific to adoption, just the fact that we are living in a hotel right now isn’t easy.
But, I guess just like so many things in the infertility, baby loss and adoption world, this is just another example of a circumstance where people want to say something helpful but just don’t know what to say.
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My Perfect Breakdown 