I hate October 15.
Every single year, I hate it.
Why? Because October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and at 7pm everyone is encouraged to light a candle.
Every single year I participate by lighting a candle in one of my mom’s tea-light candle holders.
And every single year, I hate that I participate.
I hate that I know the experience of losing 5 babies. I hate that I have “tried” all types of ways to process a lost baby – misopristol, D&C, natural and even terminating for medical reasons our loved little girl at an abortion clinic.
I hate that so many other’s also know this experience and these emotions.
I hate that those outside of this horrible club have no idea of today’s significance and the overall impact of baby loss, because babies who are lost too soon vanish from everyone’s memory, except for those directly involved. I hate that our world doesn’t seem to understand or acknowledge (for the most part) the life long impacts of such loss. I believe that most people do not understand the impacts go beyond the actual physical loss. It’s the loss of a baby, but also the loss of hopes and dreams for that baby and our future together. It’s the loss of the family many have dreamed about their entire life. It’s the loss of innocence.
And so, because of the lack of awareness in society, I will continue to participate in movements like today. Not because lighting a candle on a particular date honours my lost babies, but because we need to raise awareness to create more understanding and more safe spaces for conversations about pregnancy and infant loss to occur. And so, I will continue to use my voice to raise awareness, to help make these conversations more normal, to give future loss mom’s and dad’s more people in their villages who can offer support during such a hard time in their lives.
As much as I hate that this has been part of my life, the fact is, losing 5 babies will always be part of my life story. And so, I will never stop talking and supporting others who have also endured loss. Raising awareness is the least I can do to honour my lost babies and all those women (and men) who also experience loss.
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I mentioned a while ago that we were trying to book a trip to visit our son’s birth mother. We finally booked the trip and will be visiting this year. We always said we’d visit, and it’s important to me that we honour our commitment, and provide the opportunity for our son to know his birth mother.
She lives in a bit of a weird place to for a long weekend away (i.e. it’s not a tourist destination). So when we have mentioned that we are travelling there, people ask us where we are going there of all places. So, we simply say to visit Little MPB’s birth mom and sibling.
Most people just smile and say something like that’s great. Which, truth be told, is probably the most appropriate response.
Some people ask me more, like:
- How does visiting make you feel? I’m the one booking the trip and paying for it. Obviously I’m fine with the visit.
- Are you worried about how he’ll react with her? Nope. Knowing his whole family, everyone who loves him, cannot be a bad thing. In our minds, this is just like any visit to see extended family.
- What is he loves her? That would be great, she definitely loves him.
I know people are trying to ask if I’ll be jealous about their relationship and how I feel about it. But, my theory is I’ll answer the questions they ask, not the question they are actually trying to ask.
But for the record, no I wont be jealous. I’m secure in my role as Little MPB’s mom.
I have to say, I wasn’t even nervous when we first considered booking this trip. It’s not like the first time we talked to her on the phone or the first time we met her in person, when I was truly nervous! Now, I see these visits as just part of our lives. I view this trip just like I view any trip to visit family – there will be airports, planes, car rentals, hotels, eating out, finding kid friendly activities, and great conversation. Oh, and since it’s a trip to the USA, there will also be shopping and hopefully a visit with a blogger or two. But like any other trip to visit family, there will be stresses and annoyances, but there will also be love and laughter. And the love and laughter is what makes the international travel worth it!
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