Today I want to ramble on about work for a few minutes. I know, not the funnest of topics, especially since I have never shared what I do for a living, nor am I going to today.
Anyways, months ago I took on a project that was not the type of work I typically do. It’s not that I cannot do the work, it’s actually that I basically never work for individuals (I work mainly for government agencies). But I took the project on because a colleague gave my name to someone in need of my professional experience and told them I could probably help. And, of course, when I heard his story, I know I could probably help and I felt bad for the guy – he was in a very tough spot. So, at the onset of the project I reduced my rate to help him out a bit. And, I’ve always tried to work as efficiently as humanly possible to reduce my time on the project and therefore reduce my bills.
Well, somehow the project turned into a nightmare. It should have taken 2, maybe 3 months. We are now well into month 9, and it’s just not going well.
On more then one occasion I have actually told him to give up, what he’s trying to do is not worth the upfront cost. But of course, giving up means he will go bankrupt and ultimately lose his business. (See, this is part of why I don’t work for individuals).
I’ve spent more nights lying awake trying to figure out how I could possibly do more to help him then I have any other work related project since I started out on my own. And, I’ve lost even more sleep trying to figure out how to give him horrible news time and time again.
Anyways, as this project has dragged on and on, I’ve contacted senior professionals/mentors to get their opinion on the situation – everyone agrees this guy is being screwed and there is likely little we can do to help him. Heck, one senior person actually donated a full day of his time to try to help too.
In the end, knowing how much this is all costing the guy and knowing he is in financial straights, a few months ago I actually stopped charging him for my time. (Ya, I’m not the best business women in the world).
But my gosh, am I ever frustrated. Basically I’m working for free (for a good cause) and I’m just repeatedly running into roadblocks. And yet, what frustrates me the most is that I know, without a doubt, that what he is trying to do is the right thing to do. Yet, the system is just not built to help the little guy. In fact, right now, it feels like the system has been designed specifically to hurt the little guy. And that is just not fair.
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I have to say thank you to everyone who encouraged me yesterday. And I also need to acknowledge an amazing friend who sent me a very touching card, that left me wondering how in the world she knew just what I needed to hear and how her kind words arrived on the very day when I needed some encouragement.
Mr. MPB even brought up yesterdays post with me, as he seemed concerned that I’d stop writing. Apparently, he likes reading what I have to say and really hopes I wont stop writing. (But seriously, I have to wonder, what husband wouldn’t like a written version of their wives thoughts?)
I don’t know what’s at the root of my current state of mind around my writing. I just know I feel slightly off. Is it that I feel some sort of survivors guilt/remorse about being a parent? Is it that things are going pretty well at the moment and I don’t want to come off as showing off? Honestly, some days it all seems to good to be true. Is it just that chasing a toddler has me completely exhausted and not able to think straight enough to string a few sentences together in a coherent manner? Is it that I feel weird being in a place of knowing that’s it’s very likely we will never have a second child? Is that I feel like the power of my voice is muted because I’m anonymous, yet I know I’m not ready to remove the safety of being anonymous?
Honestly, I have no idea.
I guess, what I do know I that I do enjoy writing. It helps me sort through the crazy things that circle around in my brain. But maybe even more importantly, it connects me with people in a way that feeds my soul.
And, so, while I still have no idea how I will bridge the varied audiences who read what I have to say, I know that I am going to just keep writing. And, as I write, I am going to just keep sharing whatever happens to be on my mind, the good, the not so good and the downright bad. And hopefully, I’ll be able to do so in a way that is supportive and respectful of others, no matter where they are in their life.
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My Perfect Breakdown 