One of “Those” Conversations
Once upon a time, while driving to the grocery store, a husband and wife had a conversation:
Me: Hey, I was just thinking, any chance you want to try again? I just realized I’ll be 35 next year, which means our chances of a successful pregnancy will drastically drop in approximately 10 months.
Mr. MPB: Ummm….we have a chance at a successful pregnancy?
Me: Well, no. Not really. Just that our chances will drop even more in about 10 months.
Mr. MPB: Why are we talking about this?
Me: Well, before I turn 35 we have time for probably 2 more pregnancies/losses, maybe even 3, knowing us. And we both know that at 35 problems with infertility and pregnancy complications increase, so I figure we have 10 months to try with only our existing problems. Basically, if there is any chance we are going to try again, we should be trying before I turn 35 and our already horrible chances drop even further. I figure the responsible thing to do is to make sure you don’t want to try again?
Mr. MPB: That a definite no.
Me: Good. Neither do I. I am really just done with going through more losses.
Mr. MPB: Oh by the way, you’ll be 35 in 9 months, not 10.
Needless to say, recurrent pregnancy loss changed us. So much so that now these conversations are cavalier and almost sadistically humours.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 
I’m honestly not sure how to react to this post. I’m so sorry that you’re in that position, it’s not fair that you should even have such a conversation. 😖
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know, not knowing to react is exactly how I felt when I finished this post. I actually made Mr. MPB read it before i posted it because it felt so odd and unfinished actually. I think there’s a bit of relief that we can talk about this part of our lives without crying all the time but I also think there is so much sadness that fills the room when we talk about all we want through that is evident even in a conversation like this one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very true. I don’t think the sadness ever goes away, it just becomes a bit easier to deal with, or we learn to deal with it better. I’m glad you’re to that point at least. *hugs*
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, I wish I can be controversial . I understand how you both feel about your journey, we all handle and grieve differently.
When husband and I were trying, and after my 3rd miscarriage(I had to wait for the baby to die in utero because they couldn’t do any cytotec as long as the baby heart was beating), I distinctly remember my husband and I having a similar conversation and we agreed to try for a set time and keep our emotions away from the pregnancy/outcome. He didn’t want to adopt and wasn’t interested in donor sperm/egg either. To be honest, I also had reservations(anyway not the point of the comment).
We all know our limits, and if the both of you feel you cannot handle the mess of a pregnancy and the unfortunate negative outcomes, you both are absolutely right with it. Its unfortunate, that we have to see humor in it.
And I am sorry that you, my friend have to go through it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
First, thank you for sharing – it’s so unfair what we both went through!! I am so sorry that you had to go through it too.
Also, while you say it wasn’t the point, I appreciate your comment about not choosing donor sperm/egg or adoption. I think it’s so critical that once we are on this crazy loss/infertility path, that we make the decisions that are right for our family. Just like you chose not to pursue adoption or donor sperm/egg, we chose not to keep trying and not to pursue donor embryos or surrogacy. In the end, I think we just have to do what ever is right for us, at that time. And, I am beyond thrilled that your right path lead to your two amazing little ones! 🙂
LikeLike
And yours to Little MPB! The path we choose gave us our dreams! There is a lot of peace in it. Its very hard when infertility makes us choose paths and then we meet failure. Hard to live life long with the “what if we had done this otherway” questions.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is a hard post to press “like” on. Not because I don’t enjoy your writing, your honesty or the beautiful way you share your family’s journey. But because it is so hard to press “like” on something that has brought such pain and sadness in your life. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel the range of emotions in this post. I can see on one hand where it is a straight forward conversation but yet it’s filled with the pain of the past. I have felt the same way….talking about Olivers death seems to Come all too naturally to me and it’s when I reflect on it that I remember all the pain.
LikeLike