My “First” Mother’s Day
This year was a very different mother’s day then I’ve become accustomed to.
19 years ago my mom died and I loathed this reminder of the amazing mother I no longer had.
4 years ago we began trying innocently enough for our own child. Those next 4 years would bring us immeasurable loss and heartache. And mother’s day became yet another reminder of my body’s failures, and the children we had lost far too soon.
This year, for the first time I held my living child. I slept in (thanks Mr. MPB) and woke up to a phone full of texts messages. Many of my blogging friends sent messages acknowledging the baby I now have the honour of holding in my arms, the babies I have lost, and some even acknowledged my mom and how hard it is not having her here with me. It was truly amazing to have friends who acknowledged my lost babies and my mom – this meant the absolute world to me. And, yet everyone in my “real-life” sent messages wishing me a happy first mother’s day, which made me a bit sad. Sad that they chose not to acknowledge the children we have who are no longer with us, they deserve to be remembered and acknowledged. It made me sad that they assume Baby MPB fixed all of the hurt and loss we went through as if he erased their memories. Really, I just felt sad that infertility, baby loss and adoption are not understood by the majority of people. It made me remember just how lonely the past mother’s days have been for me, as no-one acknowledged the mother that I was.
Anyways, this year, I acknowledged how much my life has changed. I thought about how weird it is to be a mother without my own mother around to show me the way. I thought about how much I miss my mom. And I thought about how much I wish all my children were in my arms. And then I thought about everyone else out there who is still trying and waiting for their own child. I thought about our son’s birth mom and all she has gone through, and when I wrote her an email to acknowledge her on Mother’s day I couldn’t help but think about how her heart must hurt and yet how thankful I am that she chose us and made me a mother. There really just aren’t words to explain the emotions that ran through me.
I made a point to spend the day focusing on how truly thankful I am for our little guy. And so on my first mother’s day with a living child, I spent the day with Mr. MPB and Baby MPB.
We typically aren’t too interested in Hallmark created days, so all I wanted was a day with my two favourite guys. But, I did received my first ever mother’s day present – a picnic blanket so that we can enjoy the day and many future days together as a family and a children’s book to read to Baby MPB – My Mommy. Mr. MPB even put together everything for a picnic – yummy bbq chicken sandwiches, kale salad, etc. Unfortunately, the weather did not cooperate so we will have to try another day. But, I did spend the day with my family, and that’s truly all I ever want. I snuggled my son, he napped on my chest, we read books, and we played together.
And, as I reflected on everything, and how fortunate I am to be Baby MPB mother, I decided I needed to share my fortunate with another mother who is without. We had intended to sell all of Baby MPB’s stuff as he grows out of it to contribute to his education fund, but decided it is more important to share what we have with another mother who has nothing left. So, I packed up everything Baby MPB is no longer using – clothing he has out-grown, blankets we no longer need, diapers, an extra activity mat, etc. I kept a few special pieces (the outfit he left the hospital in, his first hiking boots, the blanket the hospital gave him, etc.), but everything else was donated. We loaded up the car and donated everything we could to the 88,000+ people who have been evacuated and lost their homes by the devastating Fort McMurray fires. Every single time I hear about a mother/family who has lost their home to Canada’s largest ever forest fire, I have tears in my eyes. I cannot fix the grief that many are feeling as they’ve lost everything, but I hope someone else will appreciate Baby MPB’s things just as much as we have.
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