Off Kilter

I’m having a bad day. It’s hard to explain simply, but I can easily say that the events of today have thrown my world just a bit off kilter.  Nothing is catastrophically wrong, just my faith in the world has been shaken.

After years of counseling (while going through recurrent pregnancy loss), I learned that when I get stressed I move into my head.  I dwell, I worry, I think through every scenario I possibly can.  Quite frankly, I obsess.  And I get incredibly quiet.

This most recent shaking has done this to me again – I’m working by-myself at home right now, so it’s very easy to be quiet.  And it’s also very easy to be in my head and obsessively worrying about things that I cannot change.

The silence is almost deafening, if it weren’t for the thousand thoughts running around my mind.

Yet, I rationally realize that this situation truly doesn’t involve me directly.  In fact, it involves Mr. MPB professional life and so I really have no ability to influence this situation.  And so, while I cannot help but worry, I realize I really have no ability to influence the situation.  I have to sit on the sidelines, watch the pieces fall where they may and be there to support Mr. MPB in anyway I can.

Yet, I feel betrayed, disappointment and hurt.  Mostly, I just feel disappointed.  And if I feel this way, I can only imagine how Mr. MPB must be feeling.

I guess what I cannot help but wonder right now is why is it that people don’t think before they act? And why does it hurt so much more when it’s people you trust?

If you’ve managed to follow me through until this point, I commend you.  I’m not sure anything I’ve said actually makes sense.

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14 Comments on “Off Kilter

  1. I’m sorry you’re both dealing with something trying right now. My family actually is too, and it’s really bothering me, but I just don’t know what to say about it so I haven’t. I guess I’m just saying I understand, and I know how crappy it makes you feel. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As someone who knows what it’s like to “move into your head” all I can say is be kind and patient with yourself… It’s very easy to get caught up in our thoughts and let them “keep us company” but the best thing is to acknowledge them, understand how you feel, and then give them space to leave if there’s nothing you can physically do about them. I know it’s easier said than done, but I also know what it’s like to constantly fight to put this into practice. I don’t know you, but I would hug you tight 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh no! I’m sorry you and Mr MPB are going through something right now. That sounds horrible. And it is almost harder I think when you are worrying on behalf of something else. A couple of years ago T was having difficulty at work and it was really hard not being able to fix it. You can only be supportive and think “Well that is unfair” and empathise but you can’t actually improve the situation. I hope that it gets resolved soon and sending you lots of hugs. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I oddly followed this ( I think) and am just sending you love. Hope it all passes quickly and gets resolved in a way you are ok with. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s the hardest when we are watching those we love must go through something they don’t deserve. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this right now and I am sending you and Mr. MPB hugs and support.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What you wrote actually made a lot of sense (especially about moving into your head). I am sorry you are struggling. It is hard to deal with problems that you have little ability to control. I hope things start to turn around soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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