The Last 24 Hours = I Am No Longer Me

Based solely on what happened in the last 24 hours, I have determined that I am no longer my old self:

  1. 1am argument between Mr. MPB and I that resulted in me on the couch with epic tears rolling down my cheeks and landing on Baby MPB. Another rediculous sleep deprived argument, literally over being sleep deprived.
  2. Me awake most of the night with Baby MPB.
  3. Siting at my desk at 5:45am sending a work email that I was supposed to send the day before.
  4. Leave the house at 6am for a day of meeting a few hours away.
  5. Arrive at Starbucks, a necessary stop at this point as I needed fuel to stay awake for the drive.  Realize upon trying to pay that my wallet was not in my purse. I was completely embarrassed, but I managed to avoid panic as I quickly determine it was at home in the diaper bag.  (Starbucks was awesome and gave me my drink and breakfast sandwich free, I almost cried).
  6. Drive the remainder of the way at the exact speed limit, which means I might be late.  But, I really don’t need a ticket on a day that I don’t have my license with me.
  7. Arrive at first meeting to realize my tablet is dead.  I did not bring hard copy backups.
  8. Arrive at second meeting to realize I am dead tired and am not really sure what I’m supposed to be talking about.
  9. Start my drive home (at the exact speed limit again) and realize without my wallet, I don’t have the ability to put gas in my car or get lunch.  Start driving and hope for the best. (I did, just barely, manage to get home).
  10. While Mr. MpB takes care of baby MPB, my body takes an late afternoon 2 hour nap, even though I had work to get done.
  11. Eat dinner – chinese food take-out. which means I now feel gross.
  12. 9pm start working again while Mr. MPB feeds Baby MPB.  And instead of working, I wrote this.  So, now I have to actually start working.

I never in my life thought I could have so many things go wrong in one day.  I’ve never been so unprepared for meetings.  I felt like a fool, yet with sheer luck I survived the day.

I thought baby brain was something I would avoid since I didn’t go through the hormonal changes associated with pregnancy.  Well, based on the last 24 hours, I’m starting to think that baby brain is actually the same as an utterly exhausted brain.

I also think no-matter how hard Mr. MPB and I try to work out our differences in our normal way (i.e. civil talking while sharing differing perspectives respectfully), this is hard to do while completely exhausted.  Truthfully, it’s hard to do much correctly without sleep.

And this working with an infant thing is so hard!  Seriously, it’s the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do in my life.

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61 Comments on “The Last 24 Hours = I Am No Longer Me

    • Yes babies are stressful and exhausting and amazing too. 🙂
      I am unable to take any additional leave, as I’m self-employed and my clients require my attention. That said, I do have the luxury of working from home and I do not plan to take on any additional clients for a while. Oh, and hire a part-time nanny. So, hopefully we find a good routine soon. 🙂

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  1. You are not alone, my friend. There is a reason that sleep deprivation is on the list of torture tactics outlawed by the Geneva Conventions. The flip side is that someday you’ll sleep again. And on that day, you’ll feel practically super human.

    Stay strong.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, sleep deprivation is torture! In fact, I slept last night so I am feeling so much better today! Mr. MPB on the other hand is going to be one tired man today as he took the night shift with Baby. 🙂

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  2. This is the worst of it, you will get used to sleep deprivation and your body will adjust. Isn’t that depressing??!! 😒

    We handle arguments like you and mr. MPB do, with calm, patience, and respect. When we had a tiny fussy baby and I had no sleep, that all went out the window. But it came back. It WILL return – you’re not forever changed there. 😉

    Your doing great! Remember that always.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is depressing, but as you say we will get used to it. And, thanks for reminding me that we will return to our normal routine of arguing nicely. 🙂 I think the bonus right now, if there is one, is that we both realize our arguments are absolutely ridiculous and simply the result of being so tired. So, neither of us are holding a grudge too long. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Sweetie, I am sorry you’re having a rough, very sleep deprived time. 😦 I hope things start getting better and Baby MPB starts sleeping some longer stretches. You could always start putting a little cereal in his bottle before bedtime. My Mom starting doing that with me at 3 days old and I slept through the night. 🙂 Sending you lots of love!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you my friend! Honestly, I really shouldn’t complain, Baby MPB is a pretty good sleeper already. But every now and again he has a bad night, which means the entire house has a bad night.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh gosh! Don’t add anything to his milk! Many, many studies show this is unecessary and very hard on their little bodies. Things were very different when we were babies. My mum smoked and drank while pregnant, and gave me sweetened tea in my bottle!

        Liked by 1 person

    • I always assumed Baby brain was the result of hormone fluctuations, but now I realize that it’s directly linked to sleep. And, even today, after getting a real nights sleep as Mr. MPB was up with Baby last night, I feel so much better.
      I wish leave was an option. But, I am fortunate to work from home mostly and to have a husband who does an equal portion of baby care. And I do not plan to accept any new work for at least a few months and we hope to find a nanny for a few days a week to help out.

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    • No leave for me, unfortunately. As I’m self employed I don’t pay into the government EI system and even if I did my clients wouldn’t be legally required to wait for me to return from leave.
      But, I am fortunate to work from home mostly and to have a husband who does an equal portion of baby care. And I do not plan to accept any new work for at least a few months and we hope to find a nanny for a few days a week to help out.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh MPB. It’s not fair that you can’t take a bit of time off. I can’t imagine trying to work in those very early days of motherhood. Wishing you lots of love, sleep, and clarity of mind in the days to come.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, thank you so much!! Honestly, Mr. MPB did the night shift last night and I feel alive again today! It’s amazing how 6 consecutive hours of sleep can make a person feel human again! 🙂

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      • My first stretch of 5-6 hours of sleep after baby was life changing. Glad you got some rest. This is hard but it will get easier just do the best you can for a few weeks and you’ll be amazed at the difference as your baby grows and sleeps for longer stretches.

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  5. I echo the others about a leave. I can’t imagine working in the early months of having a newborn. Is there a way you and Mr MPB can redo your schedule so you each get a night where you’re able to attempt to get a full sleep or a daytime nap? (Not that you hadn’t already thought of this)

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s like you read our minds! We are actually now working on a 2 night rotation – we each get to consecutive nights of sleep and 2 consecutive night of less then ideal sleep. And baby sleeps in the room with whomever is on the awake night so that the sleeping person gets real uninterrupted sleep. My counsellor actually suggested that we need 2 night not 1 in order to give our bodies enough time to catch up on sleep. Although after yesterday we decided the only except to this is the night before I’m on the road with work because it’s just not safe for me to be driving long stretches without sleep.

      Liked by 4 people

    • No leave for me, unfortunately. I’m self-employed and don’t pay into the EI system in Canada. And, even if I did, my clients aren’t legally required to wait for me to return.
      So, I took about a full month off while we were away and the first week back at home, but now I’m back at it.
      That said, we are working to make it work. Mr. MPB is an active parent who wants to be really involved (thankfully) and we are going to hire a nanny a few days a week. And I’m not taking any new projects for at least a few months, which should drop my work hours as I wrap up a few projects.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, MPB, I so feel your pain regarding the arguments about sleep deprivation. The first month or two were very difficult on our marriage. It’s like all rational thought goes out the window when you’ve had no sleep. We would argue (or make ridiculous remarks) about sleep nearly every day at some point (still do at times). It is so so hard. It’s like there is no way to explain how hard it is. You just have to experience it to know. It does get better. We both still get up with H, which seems so silly. At least one of us should get a good night’s sleep every other night. A friend of mine and her husband take turns. Every other night, they get a decent night’s sleep. I wish I would have thought of that……6 months ago! It is such a struggle. Hang in there, momma!!!xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for getting it!! Yes, the lack of sleep is such an amazingly difficult thing to deal with. And the ridiculousness of arguments about lack of sleep is almost comical because we both just keep arguing when really, at least one of us should be sleeping! 🙂
      We are working on a 2 night rotation – 2 night sleep, 2 night up with baby. My counsellor suggested 2 night of sleep is better then 1, so that’s what we are going to try to do. Although, last night is clear evidence that it’s not a perfect strategy yet. We’ll get there, eventually.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s a great idea! Let me know how it goes. H is up at least 2x/night again and we’ve got to figure out something bc both of us end up being awake half the night and then we’re so pissy! And, you’re right. It IS comical in hindsight!

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  7. Oh, my. I’m sitting, nodding along with everything you’ve written. The sleep deprivation thing is SO tough with a new infant. I had to go back to work right before my daughter came home from NICU (her actual age was around 3 months, but her adjusted age was around a week old, and that meant she had to eat like a newborn to gain the weight she needed…for another 2.5-3 months) and it is nothing short of a minor miracle that we all made it through that period with sanity/marriage intact. I really feel for you. That part is HARD. I’m sorry you can’t take a maternity leave and that you’re going through this. Will be thinking of you and wishing you some good sleep soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You totally get it! It really is nothing short of a miracle that we survive this chaos. I have a new appreciation and respect for working parents, now that I am one! Glad to hear that your marriage and sanity survived! 🙂

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  8. I think you are a HERO for working and caring for an infant. I almost had a breakdown just being home and not working a minute for the first six months. Please please be easy on yourself and please remember this is temporary. At about the five/ six month mark the hardest part is over and it is all increasingly easier from there. I promise. Hugs to you.

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  9. Oh my friend, nothing will test your life like a baby. From your relationships to your sanity, it’s all going to be tested to the fullest extent. Catch and I have NEVER fought the way we have since Charlotte was born. Sleep deprivation really complicates things, but so does the lack of time. I feel like communication would be so much easier if we actually had time to sit down and have a relaxed conversation over a few glasses of wine like we used to. Charlotte is 7 months old now, and I feel like we’re JUST starting to get into a better groove. I’ve been making myself feel better about things by reminding myself that this is all very, very temporary. Just think of how fast they’re growing–how fast the weeks have been flying by–and remember that before you know it, the sleepless nights and the infant fog will be a thing of the past. You’ll be yourselves again.

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  10. Ugh, I’m sorry. We’ve been feeling the tension of sleep-deprived snappiness, and both of us are on leave still! I can’t imagine trying to care for a newborn with both of you working full-time! Hang in there… I am told that they do sleep eventually. And I wonder if you can get someone to come help even for a few hours a week… if not paid, then maybe a rotating schedule of friends? Having my mom around these first few weeks has been so helpful for us… just being able to hand off the baby while we take a nap or run an errand or whatever. I wish there were more we could do to help!

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  11. Oh my! I’m so sorry all that happened….especially in one day! Just know that everything that you experienced is in the realm of normalcy for people with newborns. I can promise you that it does get better and that’s coming from someone who’s 8 week old does not sleep near what he should. I continue to be amazed at how much I can accomplish on such little sleep. Having both of you working full time makes it so much harder. 😦 hang in there!

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  12. Oh goodness. Thinking of you and remember. Goal achieved! You made it through the day.

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  13. Something that always helped me on the worst nights when I wouldn’t get more than 20 consecutive minutes was this reality: the sun always comes up. I remember clinging to that thought like a lifeline at 3am sometimes.

    I’m very glad to hear that you two have worked out a schedule where both of your can get some sleep!

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  14. The first six weeks are really tough. I can remember them well. Taking turns letting a baby sleep on you. I don’t know if E slept better at six weeks or if we had adjusted to not sleeping. Late night/early morning arguments are the worst. No one is rational. It gets better. It is hard, so very hard but it will get better.

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  15. Thinking of you! This sheer exhaustion and confusion also brings a slight smile to me because I know HE IS HOME which I know you are all too aware of! I feel for you and, at the same time, am so incredibly happy you get to experience being a working mom. Hugs!!! This time will pass as he grows in your loving care!

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  16. Hugs, mama. This sh*t is hard. Sleep deprivation is soul sucking. The first few months after Lettie was born were the hardest of my life. Sleep deprivation plus losing my mom wrecked me. But I’m not even sure how much losing my mom had to do with my total despair at the time — I really think so much of it was the lack of sleep. It will get better, I promise. I’m glad you guys are doing a two-night rotation. I like that! How often is the baby waking up per night these days?

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  17. Sleep deprivation is a REAL thing. There’s a reason it’s considered a form of torture! I always got up with our son (I still do) because I stay home, so I figure it’s my job. When he was really little and I was feeding him all night long, I would watch my husband (who I adore) just lay there, sleeping, and I would daydream about smothering him with a pillow. It will get better once everyone starts sleeping!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thats one reason why I moved out of our bedroom and into rhe nursery. Seeing my husband sleep made me more miserable.

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  18. You poor thing :-(. To be honest it all sounds very familiar. Sleep deprivation is a killer. The husband and I were given some great advice before our first that has been invaluable : 1. ignore all comversations that occur between 10pm and 6am and 2. Never compete on how tired you are. On hard days just focus on getting through the next hour/feed/nap. Take each moment and don’t depress yourself by looking forward and calculating when you might sleep again. It’s so hard, and I didn’t believe it first time around but it really, really does pass quicker than you can imagine. The first three months are the worst! Hang in there xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Babies are tiring work! I am sorry but I laughed when I read this. Misery does love company, m so unapologetically happy that someone else had a day trashier than mine.

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  20. It really is so hard! I honestly don’t know how you are doing it. You amaze me. It gets better and you will have good days, I promise! Xx

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  21. Those first few weeks are the worst. It might not feel like it, but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. One day you WILL sleep again. I promise! I remember struggling to figure out if I had ppd or just sleep deprivation, and crying every day because I just wanted to sleep more than 20-40 minutes (my girl didn’t sleep for a two hour stretch or longer until she was about 3 weeks old. And try as my husband might, with breastfeeding there was no getting around me having to be up with her). I thought it would never end. But, eventually, she became a sleep champ. Best of luck mama, you are definitely not alone!

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  22. I am so sorry that you had a bad day!. Hope Baby MPB will be really manageable as always. On the other hand, Now the baby is safe in your arms, you can sleep really peacefully 🙂

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  23. Babies are stressful. The best of couples fight and sleep deprivation doesn’t help. You and mr. Mpb will get through this and I will say from experience it gets easier.

    As a full time working mom to another, the guilt never goes away, but you will eventually get more sleep and that makes it a lot easier.

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  24. It’s soooooo hard to be sleep deprived, learn how to be a mom, work your regular job and figure out how to be a wife who is now also a parent, all while your hubby is doing the same!!! I bet there are lots of parents on here who get what you’re saying–me included! But take it from one who has been there, it will get better. Everyone will figure out their new roles and you’ll find your groove as a family. I still have baby brain but you’ll learn how to work around it soon. Your sweet new addition will get in his routine and y’all will too. Until then, give yourselves a break when things start getting crazy–best advice I’ve ever gotten and I always pass it on to new parents. Blessings!

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  25. This all is very normal ! Can you not take family medical leave for six weeks? Here in the States, you can take off six or more weeks with a newborn. You really need that time to adjust. Keeping you in prayer !

    V

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  26. I wish so badly you could take a bit of a mat leave. My heart hurts for you! Caffeine will be your new best friend, as it is mine. 🙂 You’re amazing, all you’re doing. And what a harrowing day for you! I really hope Baby MPB starts giving you longer stretches at night soon so you can get more sleep. Do you and Mr. take shifts at night?

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  27. Sorry you had such a rough day. That was awesome of the Starbucks people, and great that you didn’t need gas!! I hope you got some rest last night and are feeling a little better today. I’m sorry you have to work so much with a new little one to take care of. I truly hope that things settle down a bit for you at some point!

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  28. It will be fun to look back on this day a long time from now when things have settled down a bit. So hard, but I’d venture to guess you wouldn’t have it any other way given what it took to get here ☺

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  29. The first three months are very tough! Hang in there!! My baby girl just hit three months and has really turned a corner. And once you start getting smiles, well it’s all worth it!!

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  30. I’d hate to say it with the rough day that you had, but welcome to mommy hood. This is how I walk around ALL. THE. TIME! Eventually baby MPB will sleep longer stretches and you can get some sleep in. Ronny and I have recently started taking turns getting up with Luke in the morning so the other one can get a few extra hours (well, Ronny gets a few hours, I get like 20-30 minutes) of sleep. Maybe you could find a compromise on some non-work time where you can each take a turn letting the other sleep. It is super hard with an infant though, and you are doing a great job juggling mommy-hood, wifedom and working!

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  31. This is why maternity leave is so important. I know your financial pressures are huge but is there any way to scale back for a few weeks? Even if it’s as simple as no meetings unless over skype? I’m worried you’re going to push yourself way too far?

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  32. it’s so hard not being yourself when you’ve been yourself you whole life! even though you may feel like your day was an “almost fail”, it wasn’t and you rock! (and you got free breakfasts! 🙂 bonus). sleep deprivation is REALLY REALLY REAL. you will find your groove with Mr. MBP and baby MBP soon. keep talking. keep fighting. oh my god, my husband and I have argued HARD this past year. maeve will be 1 at the end of next month and we’re still having sleep deprived fueled arguments. the last one being yesterday in fact. you are doing an amazing job and the truth of the matter is, you really are no longer “you”. you’ll get you back in bit and pieces but you are forever changed because you are no longer just “you” 🙂 xox

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  33. Babies are hard. Newborns are brutal. It’s the best worst time you’ll ever have. Try and embrace the new you and the new way of life- you’re doing amazing. Adjusting is the hardest. I can’t tell you how many stupid fights and arguments we’ve had simply because of sleep deprivation. It does get better. Your doing the hardest work ever! You’re amazing 💙

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  34. Sleep deprivation scares the crap out of me. It is literally the one thing I truly fear about having kids in the house.

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  35. Hang in there Mama MPB! The baby brain/ sleep deprived thing is totally real. I really do get it. You all three will get through this. Hugs!

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  36. You basically sound like a regular mom! It really is super tough being at the privates, nurturing and caring for a baby, nurturing and caring for your relationship, and self-care. Leaving your wallet at home? Yep! Done that! This is all just an adjustment period, and before you know it you’ll wish for these days all over again or laugh about them later on… Maybe… Probably… We’ll see!

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