Our Light at the End of the Tunnel

In my mind we’ve been slow to embrace adoption as our route to having children – we first started to seriously consider it back in March/April 2014 after our 4th miscarriage. In fact, my very first post on the subject was on April 9, 2014. It seems like some people just know that they will adopt a child(ren). For better or worse, we were not those people at all!

1 year ago, even 6 months ago, we were more fearful of adoption than anything else. We were scared of all the scary things:

  • Significant developmental delays due to alcohol or drug consumption by the birth mother
  • Too much birth parent involvement in day-to-day events
  • How to make hard decisions on the typically taboo subjects like:
    • Race – which races are we willing to accept? Which are we not willing to accept?
    • Gender – do you really get to choose the gender? Seriously? Who gets that choice in real life? And would people really care? (this raises all kinds of questions for me about the ethics of gender selection in utero…I guess if you adopt you can make gender selection)
  • Letting potential birth parents know the most intimate details of our lives – i.e. finances, etc.

We/I spent a lot of time educating ourselves on adoption. We asked questions like what are the major differences between open adoption and closed adoptions? Do closed adoptions still exist in Canada? What are the pros and cons of international adoption vs local open adoptions? What are the costs? What are the wait times?  How do we approach questions about race?

We actively sought out advice from couples who have completed local open adoptions, and people who have completed international adoptions. We are truly thankful to those who opened there hearts to us and have been willing to share their unfiltered experiences – both the good and the bad.

After all of this, we then chose to take a break from all things adoption. We did this for a few reasons. First, we needed to focus on one more try to have a biological child – not because we cared about the biological aspect, but because we cared about the elimination of any risk of alcohol and drugs. This has been one of our biggest hang-ups with choosing adoption, and one of the main reasons we continued to try on our own.

As it turns out, while we took our official break from everything adoption, we have come a long way to learn that having a child on our own, is likely out of the question. Financially, we simply cannot justify spending $100,000 just to increase our odds. Emotionally, I’m truly afraid another loss will break me. It’s time to move on and embrace an alternative route to children. Right now, I’m glad we took the break to investigate thoroughly our ability to have a successful pregnancy – the reality is that I needed to know that having a biological child was not in the cards for us. I needed to know, with certainty, that it is time to give up and move on.

So, now what? We’ve discussed surrogacy and gestational carriers. And at the end of the day, I’m not sure I can go there, at least not right now. I will share on this subject at some point, but just not today.

But what I am sure of is that, adoption is certain – we will get our child. There is a child out there that needs to parents, and we will find our way together and become a loving family. We don’t care in the least where our child comes from, and we’ve decided that the health risks of adoption are worth it. Simply, we would rather take the risk and adopted, then not.

We know adoption requires patience. Part of me thinks, what’s another few years of waiting, when we are already over 2 years into trying desperately to have children. The other part of me recognizes that it is an average 3 year wait for a local adoption. This is very daunting and I’m already dreading it. Heck, we have to be patient just to attend the next adoption seminar, as the next one with space available is in January (unless we score a cancelation spot in an early seminar). I’m holding onto the hope that it will be worth it in the end.

I cannot neglect to mention that we received a small glimmer of hopeful news last week as we were speaking with our local adoption agency. We have learned that if we choose an international open adoption through the USA, the wait is usually only 1 year for an infant! Evidently Canadians are very attractive adoptive parents to USA birth parents – who knew? The one drawback is that the cost will be substantially higher, but not beyond our ability. While we need to do a lot more investigating, on the surface this seems like it could be the ideal route for us.

For the first time in years, rather than being fearful of stepping inside the already painted baby room, part of me is actually looking forward to decorating our child’s nursery. I am not ready to go start buying little baby things today or tomorrow, but I can see a bit more excitement on the horizon. I know that once all the paperwork is done and we are officially on a wait list, we will be ready to begin buying the basics and putting together a wonderful little room for our child to spend their first years.

Yes, it took us some time, some may say we are slow to make a decision, but in the end, adoption does seem like our path to becoming parents. We still have many more decisions to make and months of paperwork, but at least we’ve already done our homework and know what to expect.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

51 Comments on “Our Light at the End of the Tunnel

  1. I’m happy for you that things are looking up, and you’ve been able to get towards the end of your decision making process!! I think it’s ok that it’s taken you a while to figure out what you want to do…this is a HUGE decision that will affect many lives, it’s not something that should be taken lightly. That would be great if you only have to wait a year, even though that can feel like an eternity!! I hope and pray that everything works out and goes smoothly for you guys, and that in the end, no matter what route you choose, that you have a happy, healthy little family to show for all that you’ve been through. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As a very personal response..I am very glad you are looking at this again, it’s something I seriously considered..I remember looking at Bella when she was first born and I knew I would love an adopted child just as much..I talked to the midwife about it – we decided that the need to nurture was not biological but instinctive..thinking of you xxx

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your personal thoughts! I think you may be right, that the need to nurture and care for a child is not driven from a purely biological perspective, at least not in our modern society.

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  3. I love reading this! I’m excited for you!

    When it comes to family building, due diligence is important. You did a lot and it’s paid off. It’s great that you know exactly how you feel about this

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    • Thank you Courtney! I too am excited and I think you are right, when family planning doesn’t go as easily as expected, due diligence becomes very important to determining the right path.

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  4. It is a relief and a pleasure to read about your growth and development on this subject. Life has a way of bringing us back to places when we are better equipped to look into them rather than look away but it’s always up to us whether we seize that opportunity. It sounds like you and Mr. MPB are ready to consider things from which you needed to turn away earlier this year. I commend you both on giving adoption a second chance when the opportunity presented itself. I’m also really glad that you have options beyond local open adoption if that is not well suited to you two, particularly considering how long the wait is with that process in our neck of the woods. I’m wishing you both much love and peace as you journey onward.

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  5. Adoption is not an easy decision or one to be taken lightly and I commend you for not just “jumping on board” and making such a decision so quickly without doing a little homework. I am so happy to read that you are starting to feel more excited and hopeful with this path and I will continue to pray that as time goes on, you will gain more peace. I also pray that all the right doors will open quickly and the ones that you don’t need to walk through are closed. You are an amazing woman and one that I look up to in so many aspects. xoxo

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    • Awe, thanks so much Elisha!
      One thing about Mr. MPB and myself is we will research something to death and do all the imaginable homework possible, so there is no rushing into anything from us. Sometimes to our own detriment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I do hope we can actually start the process sooner rather then later, but at least we are pretty confident that we have a path forward. And for now, that matters more then anything. 🙂

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  6. I also found excitement in your post of things to come and I’m grateful you’ve decided to blog about your decision in a very real way. This has also helped me in my decision making process, as I also wonder if my husband and I will choose to adopt and just having more information truly helps. Keeping you close in my thoughts!

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    • Thank you for your encouragement. It is such a hard subject to blog about because my honest could bite me in the ass one day if we do have a child and they were to read all of these pre-adoption thoughts. That said, I think there will be an appropriate time and way to share this in the future, and I will never hide from the fact that it has been a hard decision for us, but a decision made out of love.

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  7. I am so happy that you have decided to not give up. If you go the international adoption route, we have friends in Calgary who adopted two sons (and are currently on the list for a daughter) from the States. I’m sure she would be willing to answer any questions you may have. I’m also keen to follow along and see what option you do choose and how you get there. After everything we’ve been through, I am open to considering adoption. Sending you much love and light for the next leg of your journey. XO

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    • Thank you so much for your encouragement Jasmine! It does feel so much better knowing what direction we want to head in. I know we could change our minds, I know it wont be easy, but I also know that we want to be parents and this route makes the most sense right now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. This makes me so happy that you are beginning to feel excitement again. It’s encouraging and hopeful for me to read! Plus, you have been very methodical and thoughtful in your decision making process. It’s not easy to make big decisions like this, but you are proving it can be done, and done well! 🙂 XO

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    • Thank you so much for your encouragement.
      Yes, we are very methodical in our decision making (sometimes to an unhealthy extreme), but I i this situation, we needed to be in order to get to where we are today. It is still a long road ahead, but at least we can see the path forward with hope again! 🙂

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  9. Adoption is a beautiful thing! Also a big decision but I know that with your faith the Lord will prepare your hearts and minds and homes for your future family! I am so glad that there is light at the end of the tunnel! It was never the end, just a bend ❤

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  10. I’m so pleased that you’re feeling positive and are choosing what’s best for you. You’ve suffered so much and it’s great that you’re making choices and building your future. So pleased to hear it xx

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    • Thanks so much again, for all your encouragement and support. For me, making educated choices is such a critical step to building our family, and I’m happy that we at least we have a direction to head now. 🙂

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  11. Not sure how old you guys are but Thailand has a wonderful adoption program specifically for couples with fertility issues.

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    • We’ve looked into Thailand a bit in the past, but maybe we should dig deeper? We actually loved the country when we visited a few years ago, so it could easily be a good match. Thanks for the idea!

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      • It was the only adoption program that appealed to us. But hubby was to old….you have to be 40 before you start. Good luck with your journey.

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      • I’ve just been reading about it actually, we are only 31 so we are their “ideal” age and on paper we would probably look quite good to them. I’ll keep digging – thank you again.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. A really good book I read about adoption was written by the actress from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It’s called Instant Mom by Nia Vardolos. She adopted (from foster care) after dealing with infertility. It really helped us get a good perspective on adoption. Even if you’re not looking at the foster care route it’s still a good read. She is a great writer and gives a lot of helpful information.

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  13. I love how honest and raw your post is. I know it’s just anecdotal, but I know several lovely people who are close to me that were adopted as infants. We don’t know their biological past, but they are all smart, successful, and amazing people. A big part of that comes from the family that they were raised into. You can build your family. It might not look how you originally thought it would when you first started this journey, but it will still be beautiful, loving, and fulfilling. I just know it.

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  14. I’m so glad things are looking up on the possible wait time. I know there are still a lot of steps between now and your take home baby, but I’m hoping this is a sign of things turning around!

    Also, there is a fellow blogger on here who decided to adopt and they ended up taking their perfect baby girl home in less then a year. Here’s the link to her first post about it: http://pregnancypause.com/2014/06/29/from-another-mother/

    If you read the rest of the posts following it, it describes the whole story. May this story give you hope hon. And if her adoption story wasn’t inspiring enough, on some strange twist of fate, her and her husband are now expecting a baby boy after years of IF and loss , which they found out about while they were in the process of adopting their daughter. The universe sure has a strange sense of humor!

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      • I’m so glad her story provides you with hope. I know creating a facebook page and advertising for a birth mom like she did isn’t an option for you, but it wasn’t so much how they shortened their wait time that struck me, but just that there are different ways to cheat the system and I was amazed how everything just fell into place once her and her husband decided to move forward with adopting. I hope so much that however this journey unfolds for you, it comes together smoothly and quickly from this point forward.

        Stay strong hon and remember, anything is possible.

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      • Yup, unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective) you cannot advertise online as a Canadian. Even if we choose to adopt in the US, we still are not allowed to post our information online with any agencies. Agencies can provide our information to birth mothers, but it cannot go online.
        A smooth and quick journey at this point sure would be nice!! But, it’s out of our control, so I’m not going to get too hung up on that right now. 🙂

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      • I think that’s all you can do. After living here for 7 years now, I can’t get over how different some things are. Well you know if you want me to set up a fb page for you I totally would! But I know you also don’t want certain people in your world to know… the offer still stands no matter what though 🙂

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      • Thanks so much for such a wonderful offer. I’m pretty sure it is actually illegal for us, in our Province and possibly entire country, to post our adoption profile and info online! I’ll ask and get explicit confirmation. If we adopted in the US, our profile cannot be put online even with an agency, even though all American’s adopting can. So, the only way birth parents can view our info is by seeing actual hard copies provided to them from the agency. To say the least, the legalities of it seem to be a bit weird!
        Thank you again!

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  15. I hope that you will find a peace with adoption, although I know what it is like to go through life without children, I have always thought it must be worse for the kids going through life without parents. I have a cousin who was looking to adopt, they only wanted a child less than 7,( a little sister for their daughter) they kept hearing about local kids needing homes, so they went and did everything for a domestic adoption. Four and a half years later, they were still without a child, their social workers changed and every time that happened they had to do parts of the work over so the new SW, could get to know them. After almost 5 years they had had enough, they went to an international adoption agency , and from that day to the day they landed with their new daughter was 18 months. She was just turning 2, and her older sister loves her greatly. Their first daughter was not a problem to get pg with at all, and did n’t know it was a miracle she had been born. Sending hugs.

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    • Thanks so much for sharing your Canadian families adoption story! I am glad that eventually it all worked out for them, even if they had a bumpy road thanks to poorly organized domestic adoption route. I haven’t heard too many stories of disorganization for the domestic route, just stories of long wait times. I guess it probably varies between provinces and organizations.

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  16. so sorry I forgot to add that I too am in Canada, and didn’t know how to add that to my comment

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  17. I’m glad to see you facing forward after weeding through some tough decisions and difficult options. Praying your new journey is free of the hardships you endured previously and that it is met with happiness and peace.

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    • Thank you! I too hope we are done with the hardships! Somehow though, I expect the process to adopt will throw a few bumps at us along the way. But, I think at this point, we will be able to handle them. 🙂

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