Our Light at the End of the Tunnel
In my mind we’ve been slow to embrace adoption as our route to having children – we first started to seriously consider it back in March/April 2014 after our 4th miscarriage. In fact, my very first post on the subject was on April 9, 2014. It seems like some people just know that they will adopt a child(ren). For better or worse, we were not those people at all!
1 year ago, even 6 months ago, we were more fearful of adoption than anything else. We were scared of all the scary things:
- Significant developmental delays due to alcohol or drug consumption by the birth mother
- Too much birth parent involvement in day-to-day events
- How to make hard decisions on the typically taboo subjects like:
- Race – which races are we willing to accept? Which are we not willing to accept?
- Gender – do you really get to choose the gender? Seriously? Who gets that choice in real life? And would people really care? (this raises all kinds of questions for me about the ethics of gender selection in utero…I guess if you adopt you can make gender selection)
- Letting potential birth parents know the most intimate details of our lives – i.e. finances, etc.
We/I spent a lot of time educating ourselves on adoption. We asked questions like what are the major differences between open adoption and closed adoptions? Do closed adoptions still exist in Canada? What are the pros and cons of international adoption vs local open adoptions? What are the costs? What are the wait times? How do we approach questions about race?
We actively sought out advice from couples who have completed local open adoptions, and people who have completed international adoptions. We are truly thankful to those who opened there hearts to us and have been willing to share their unfiltered experiences – both the good and the bad.
After all of this, we then chose to take a break from all things adoption. We did this for a few reasons. First, we needed to focus on one more try to have a biological child – not because we cared about the biological aspect, but because we cared about the elimination of any risk of alcohol and drugs. This has been one of our biggest hang-ups with choosing adoption, and one of the main reasons we continued to try on our own.
As it turns out, while we took our official break from everything adoption, we have come a long way to learn that having a child on our own, is likely out of the question. Financially, we simply cannot justify spending $100,000 just to increase our odds. Emotionally, I’m truly afraid another loss will break me. It’s time to move on and embrace an alternative route to children. Right now, I’m glad we took the break to investigate thoroughly our ability to have a successful pregnancy – the reality is that I needed to know that having a biological child was not in the cards for us. I needed to know, with certainty, that it is time to give up and move on.
So, now what? We’ve discussed surrogacy and gestational carriers. And at the end of the day, I’m not sure I can go there, at least not right now. I will share on this subject at some point, but just not today.
But what I am sure of is that, adoption is certain – we will get our child. There is a child out there that needs to parents, and we will find our way together and become a loving family. We don’t care in the least where our child comes from, and we’ve decided that the health risks of adoption are worth it. Simply, we would rather take the risk and adopted, then not.
We know adoption requires patience. Part of me thinks, what’s another few years of waiting, when we are already over 2 years into trying desperately to have children. The other part of me recognizes that it is an average 3 year wait for a local adoption. This is very daunting and I’m already dreading it. Heck, we have to be patient just to attend the next adoption seminar, as the next one with space available is in January (unless we score a cancelation spot in an early seminar). I’m holding onto the hope that it will be worth it in the end.
I cannot neglect to mention that we received a small glimmer of hopeful news last week as we were speaking with our local adoption agency. We have learned that if we choose an international open adoption through the USA, the wait is usually only 1 year for an infant! Evidently Canadians are very attractive adoptive parents to USA birth parents – who knew? The one drawback is that the cost will be substantially higher, but not beyond our ability. While we need to do a lot more investigating, on the surface this seems like it could be the ideal route for us.
For the first time in years, rather than being fearful of stepping inside the already painted baby room, part of me is actually looking forward to decorating our child’s nursery. I am not ready to go start buying little baby things today or tomorrow, but I can see a bit more excitement on the horizon. I know that once all the paperwork is done and we are officially on a wait list, we will be ready to begin buying the basics and putting together a wonderful little room for our child to spend their first years.
Yes, it took us some time, some may say we are slow to make a decision, but in the end, adoption does seem like our path to becoming parents. We still have many more decisions to make and months of paperwork, but at least we’ve already done our homework and know what to expect.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.