Before I jump into this, remember, we are diagnosed with Unexplained Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL).  This means that our version of infertility is that we have the conception part down pat. We excel at the baby making part. But, that’s it. Not one of our babies has made it through the first trimester, all dying at different times between weeks 5 and 11.

So, given this, what does it mean to me to find out we are pregnant again? It has just been 3 months since we found out baby number 4 was dead, and only 2 months after we completed the miscarriage. We knew we were going to try again, we knew it could happen this month. We know we excel at the baby making part of pregnancy, so we knew it wouldn’t take that long, and it obviously didn’t.

So, what does this news do to me?

  1. I wake up my husband to tell him there is a very faint line. I think we are pregnant again. He doesn’t care to look at the faint line – so he just goes back to sleep. I wish he would have woken up to confirm that I’m not just seeing things, but I guess when you are on pregnancy number 5, looking at 2 pink lines no longer has any excitement to it. The fears that I have, he simply doesn’t share in the same way. Yes, I know he has fears, but they are just not the same. I am honestly not mad at him for this, I get it. I really do.
  2. As practical as always, I phone the fertility clinic and leave a voicemail (there is no-way they are open at 7am on a Sunday). We need to get the process started. I will likely get a phone call back tomorrow, and then have blood work at some point tomorrow. We’ve asked not to do the every 48 hour blood work with this pregnancy – it stresses me out to much. So, assuming the Doctor continues to agree, the plan is one blood test to confirm pregnancy and then, we wait until the first ultrasound.
  3. All my fears are rushing back. Asides from this one point, I am not going to write about these fears today, because I don’t want to focus on the fears of a dead baby or going through another excruciating miscarriage. I cannot go there, I just cannot let those fears take over. How do I keep these fears at bay for the next few weeks, and hopefully months?
  4. I am currently obsessed with that faint line. Why is it so faint? Why isn’t it darker? Should I be worried? Is this one going to end before it even really starts? Rationally, I know I should be thinking that based on my cycle I’m just dating at 3w5days and it’s so early that the line should be faint?
  5. Do I test again? When do I test again? How many times do I pee on a stick? How much money do I feel like wasting?
  6. Who gets to know about number 5 from the start? Should I call or text anyone? Do we really even want to tell any of our family/friends? We have a few important weddings coming up, so it might just be best to keep things quite as not to detract from those celebrations.
  7. Does this mean contacting the adoption agency is on hold for now? I think it may, but I know it will still be bouncing around in my mind constantly. So, I just don’t know yet.
  8. How close can I get? How much of a bond should I form? What happens if I don’t? I didn’t last time, I attempted to “protect” myself. In some respects it worked. But honestly, can you really protect yourself from the devastation of losing your baby? The second that baby exists, you connect. Building walls doesn’t really work at the end of the day, but it still might happen.
  9. Can I let myself actually be excited? Do I dare?
  10. What if it works this time? What if baby 5, is our lucky baby? What if he/she is actually the one?? I have no idea how to actually be in a healthy pregnancy, let alone how to deal with actually having a child. Oh, how I hope I get to spend the next 9 months actually getting to worry about this outcome!

Awake

It is way past my bedtime. It is 1:21am. I am old now, so this is late.

I know why I am wide awake and I take full responsibility for it. This situation is entirely my fault. Thanks to my decision to take a 2 hour nap this afternoon, sleep will probably be lost to me for at least a few more hours! Ops.

One late night tends to throw me off. So, I know tomorrow is not going to be great. And, even into the next few days, I will likely struggle to return to a regular sleep pattern.

But, I’m making the most it right now. I’m being productive. I’m snuggled in my cozy, warm bed typing away under the soft light of my bedside lamp listening to the rain fall and bounce off the roof above.

My rhythmic typing seems to be lulling the dog to sleep on the ground next to me. She just put a smile on my face, as she quietly yelped a few times in her sleep – I assume she is enjoying a lovely dream about chasing a bunny rabbit or maybe a squirrel.

I have the entire king-sized bed to myself, as my husband is no-where to be seen tonight. But he is definitely being heard thanks for his booming snores that resemble a dying hippopotamus. He is fast asleep in the guest bedroom down the hallway, as he is suffering from a catastrophic man-cold and doesn’t want to give it to me, just in case I am pregnant.  Although, I usually hate when he sleeps in the guest room or on the couch, tonight I am enjoying the space and the peace.

So, what have I been up-to tonight?

I’ve sent a few very important emails that have been nagging me for a few days. I needed to touch base with a few colleagues. These individuals are based in different cities, but they are very important to me for both professional and personal reasons. I needed to personally touch base with them directly to provide them with an update on my work situation.  And, with nothing else to do right now, I have used this time to end my procrastination.

I also needed send emails to a few good friends who were long overdue for a real life update. I find it hard to keep up to date with everyone with our current life situation. First I have to remember if they are in the know or not. Everyone on my list tonight is in the know, so I am forced to find a way to say, 4th miscarriage, we lost another baby, I’m not working, we are going to try again, etc. without making it awkward for them and without bringing myself down with all the emotional baggage that tends to goes along with all these statements. I procrastinated on sending these emails. Not because they are hard for me, but because I want to be sure to craft them appropriately and I want to give them the effort and time they deserve.

I’ve been reading blog posts by other bloggers. Finding new people to follow.  Reading new and interesting things out there in the world.

I’ve also been writing a few blog posts. Some require more work than others before they can be made public. Some will go up sooner than others. Some may never go up.

Most importantly, I am relaxed right now. Until now, if I’m awake in the middle of the night, I am used to being in a state of near hyperventilation about any number of things:

  • What crises I am currently dealing with or will be facing in the morning once I get to work.
  • How my boss will overreact to something that shouldn’t even be an issue.
  • How many hours I am going to be working this weekend to do my job and the jobs of 2 other people?
  • How am I going to fit in a lunch commitment with an old friend, when I have 3 unexpected deadlines I was just told about on my way out the door much too late yesterday?
  • Fears regarding our next pregnancy and miscarriage.
  • Heartache about our four lost babies.
  • What is our future family going to look like?
  • Concern about what my employer is going to do if I have to miss more work for medical appointments or yet another miscarriage.
  • How am I going to effectively facilitate that next public meeting with 100 people in the room, when I am so tired that I can barely think straight anymore?
  • How many hours do I have left for potential sleep before I have to get up and go through all the motions of giving a damn about my job again? Ticktock…ticktock…

It’s been 55 minutes since I started this post, and I am enjoying still enjoying the quiet world for the moment. I am enjoying being alone with my thoughts, and not being overwhelmed with a sense of panic. In over 2 years, I have never been awake in the middle of the night and felt this way.  Its calming.  I am going to revel in this feeling and let it wash over me.

Yes, I think not working is going to be good for my mental health and my sanity…

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