I think its fair to say that I am having a pretty horrible week.

Nothing seems to be going right this week, so I’m left feeling confused, worrying, frustrated, tired, angry and at times just down right grouchy.  Generally, I’m just feeling rather discombobulated.

Her are the top four things that have bothered me so much this week:

  1. We suffered our fifth lost this week.  Even though it was easier then the others, it still sucks.  Emotionally, I’ve pretty much dealt with it, but I am once again stuck waiting on my body to expel everything.  My body absolutely sucks at this part, and seems to be taking its sweet time figuring it.  And with each passing day, I cannot help but worry a bit more that maybe something worse is actually going on.  Like maybe an ectopic pregnancy?  It would be just our luck that this seemingly easy miscarriage, will actually somehow turn into another version of hell that we just haven’t experienced yet.   I know rationally this is very unlikely – my blood work doesn’t indicate that this is even a possibility.  But, hey, its us, things don’t tend to be easy and given our history, a bit of paranoia is probably okay.  We are now thinking again about what’s next.  How many times do we get to go through this?  And of course, where does adoption fit into this?  And then I’m also dealing with raging hormones so I’m just out of sorts which results in my husband being annoyed at me.  He’s tired…I’m tired…we’re just so tired of it.
  2. Yes, my neighbor nearly died.  We’ve found out a few more details since my post yesterday.  According to the doctors, without our call for an ambulance he would have died within a few hours.  He had a blood clot that had traveled from his foot to his lungs, and was just about to enter his heart.  The severity of the clot had shut down his liver, kidneys, compromised his lungs and his heart.  So, pretty much all the critical organs, at least for those of us who like living they are critical.  Thankfully he is expected to recover, although he will never lead the same type of active lifestyle. When we met with his wife, she pissed me off beyond belief by ranting and raving about how he should have gone to the hospital the day before when she suggested it, but since he wasn’t willing to go, she left for her vacation anyways.  How dare he ruin her vacation by almost dying?!  And how dare her 3 children ask her to come home to be with there dad and her husband?!  How dare he put there home renovations on hold so that he can recover?!Seriously, not once did she say how happy she was that he was okay and expected to live.  She did thank us for helping, but I could have cared less for a thank you, after her complaining.  Our actions were simply what any decent person does when someone is in a medical emergency.
  3. We found out yet another old friend is pregnant.  They live half way across the world and we rarely see them, so this shouldn’t bother me in the least, but somehow seeing her 20 week pregnancy announcement to the world and reading her concerns about having a child in a foreign country just sucked.  (I should point out she’s one of those absolutely adorably cute people, whose pregnancy photo is what every other women, infertile or not, dreams to have).  I’m not upset because they are having a child, I’m actually rather happy for them.  I’m upset because her worries are about having a child in a foreign country, albeit one of the most developed and family centric nations in the world that even puts Canada to shame in some respects.  That problem would be a dream problem for me.  I wish our worries could be this simple and this basic.
  4. This is really my first full week of true unemployment and three things about this have occurred this week.
    1. Filling out EI applications totally sucks, and I kinda wonder what how someone who doesn’t have a graduate degree would feel about the process.  Not hard to do, but a pain in the ass, because its very hard to explain my situation in yes/no responses.
    2. I have been putting time into writing.  I’m not working hard enough on my book, but rather I’ve been working on blog posts.  Which, yes, could become part of the book, who really knows?  So, I’m a bit disappointed in myself for not being more focused.  I suck.
    3. Third, and more importantly, less then 24 hours after announcing to a few colleagues that I have left my job and will be taking time off to focus on my family, I was asked to work on a potential project as a consultant by a mentor that adore.  So, what did I do?  Like normal, I said yes, on the condition that he understand if we get pregnant, I’m out.  So, this week I’ve been putting countless hours into working on a proposal.  It would be awesome to get it for a number of reasons – income; type of work I love; working for myself; working the hours I want to work; working from home; working with a great team; self-confidence boost (it felt great to be asked!); not abandoning my career entirely and keeping the doors open because honestly, what if this pregnancy thing doesn’t work, etc.  But, I found out last night, my husband is really disappointed that I agreed to do it.  After months of being concerned about our finances if I quit working, he’s now flipped and is afraid for our next pregnancy because he doesn’t think I’ll actually stop working if we win the project.  But he didn’t articulate this in a way that I understood when I first brought this up to him.  So, I agreed to do it, and now I feel like I’ve let him down.  And, I also feel horrible that he thinks I would put another pregnancy at risk due to work, and yet, I know I’ve done it in the past by working 80 hours a week for a no-good, high-stress employer, so I kinda get where he is coming from.  And now, I’m just waiting to see if we win the project, and part of me is hoping we don’t.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.  So, this just totally and completely sucks.
I am a firm believer that rather then just sit around and complain, people should take action to fix the situation if its within their control and there are realistic and attainable options available to fix the situation.  And if you wont take actions available to you, then shut up, because you’ve chosen to have the problem (have I ever mentioned that I’m not the most sympathetic person in the world?)
So, although I most definitely cannot fix the pregnancy stuff which is clearly out of my control, I can focus on shifting my attitude back to being more balanced.  I can do this by focusing on having a good weekend.  I know I will enjoy our friends wedding this weekend.  The guilt free wine will be much enjoyed!  And, so long as the weather cooperates I know I’ll be spending time in the sun which always puts a smile on my face and makes me happy.  And, as of right now, I am turning off my computer and going for a walk with our dog to enjoy today.

One more thing happened this last week while we were waiting to determine if pregnancy 5 was a chemical pregnancy. It was a wonderful distraction during our fleeting 48 hour chemical pregnancy. That said, it was a completely horrible event, but it was at least something to focus on that wasn’t the possibility of a chemical pregnancy and another miscarriage. In some ways I know it made this one easier, because it was simply more important to focus on the other event. It mattered more than any of my worries.

The event was also an important reminder about the fleeting moments in life, and just how precious our time is. We simply don’t know what is going to happen next. We all need to remember to cherish the moments, make the most of what we do have and live to our fullest.


It was late one evening – we had just gotten home from dinner with some family. Someone knocked at our door, we both rolled our eyes and said “really, at this hour?” My husband answered, it was our neighbour’s daughter who doesn’t live at home.

Our neighbours are amazing, a little overbearing at times, but amazing none-the-less. I would guess they are mid to late 60s. Their daughter is about 30 and doesn’t live at home. His wife is away on a road trip with a girlfriend, without a cell phone.

The daughter said very urgently to my husband, My Dad fell, I need your help carrying him to the car. We need to get to the hospital. She’s a tiny little thing, so there is no way she can carry him.

I’m still oblivious in a different room watching TV. My husband yells up to me, as he runs to put shoes on, moving at mock speed. I go put on some real clothes, I know I don’t have to be super speedy, my husband is pretty calm, he will clearly be doing the heavy lifting and he’s trained in first aid.

When I get over to their house, I can hear our neighbour and my husband talking in the bedroom. He sounds lucid, but not quite right. I wait at the front door to hold the door open and clear a path for them to walk through.

They turn the corner, walking arm and arm. My husband clearly doing most of the work. The daughter is fighting back tears. I can tell, it’s a lot worse then just a fall.  It’s not good. It’s really not good.

The man is yellow. I kid you not, yellow!

And that’s just the beginning of the problems.

A few steps outside, and his legs stop working, he’s done. My husband is now holding him up and puts him on a conveniently located bench on the front porch. We clearly cannot drive him to the hospital ourselves, this situation is beyond our basic first aid training and requires immediate medical attention. I run back home, grab my cell phone and call 911, because for the first time in what seems like years, I didn’t have my cell phone with me. I know the address, so it’s an easy task for me to take on.

My husband starts monitoring vital signs, asking questions, all the while holding him up and trying to provide comfort. The neighbour has forgotten some details – he no longer knows who we are, but he still knows his daughter. We learn that he is peeing blood. He fell a day earlier and doesn’t remember the fall or much else. The whites of his eyes are also yellow. His heart rate and pulse are slow. His leg is swollen, his skin is molded and blotchy, but not itchy.

The fire truck and ambulance arrive. They take over, and do a great job! They stabilize him in the back of the ambulance. They rush him to the hospital.

We return home. There is no sleep to be had for either of us. It’s a long night.

We find out in the morning from the daughter, he is in ICU. His organs are all shutting down. They think it’s some sort of blood disorder, but they cannot figure it out. They don’t yet know the cause. They don’t yet know how to treat him.

We continue to wait. We will see what happens. Our hands are tied – we will do anything possible to help, but for now, the doctors will do their jobs, and we will wait and hope.

We hope he makes it.

We desperately hope he makes it.

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