The next person to say those two words to me, might not survive the conversation.

Honestly, I don’t usually have people in my real life tell me to relax anymore.  In fact it has been a long time since someone has been stupid enough to use those words with me.  You see, my entire life I’ve been the definition of a type-a personality.  High strung, high energy, high stress, highly controlling, etc.  So, even before we experienced our miscarriages and adoption I was frequently told these words.  This means I’ve had lots of time to educate people on how much this irritates me.

Anytime someone uses those two words with me, I always answer very sarcastically (FYI, I am a very sarcastic person in-real-life):

• If life were that simple, then stress wouldn’t exist
• Please tell me, how do you suggest I just relax?  I would really like some effective strategies that I can implement.  P.S. If my counsellor cannot solve my life with your just relax strategy, then I suspect you wont be able to either.
• If you could come up advice on how to actually relax, I might just be able to relax.
• Maybe we could look for a real solution to the problem so the problem no longer exists.  Then, I might actually be able to relax.
• If you were told just to relax, would that help you?  Or would it infuriate you?

I’ve made a pretty big deal out of using those words for a long time now, and I’ve made sure to tell everyone I know doesn’t use those words with me.

I can guarantee telling me to relax will not:

• Result in a viable pregnancy.  Guess what, we tried that.  I quit my job in part to remove stress from my life.  It didn’t work.  Removing stress will not overcome reversed blood flow to my uterus, because stress does not cause that.
• Result in a better grade on the exam or get the paper done.  Relaxing will not magically result in being able to overcome an important deadline.
• Fix grief.  Yup, telling someone to relax when they are upset that their babies have died, is not going to help.  In fact, it’s just plain stupid to think it would make a difference.
• Result in higher client satisfaction as they need their answer right now, not in a week when I actually have time to do it.
• Overcome and solve the newest adoption hurdle.  How I wish this were as simple as just relaxing!

Really, I can guarantee that telling me to relax will not help any situation, big or small, in any way!

So, you may be wondering at this point in the rant, why?  Why am I loosing my mind over this today?  Clearly, someone used the words in a conversation with me.  Someone who knows better:

MR. MPB!!! 

Yes, you read that right.  Those words are off limits in my world (and I suspect for almost anyone who has gone through any sort of infertility).  Mr. MPB knows this.  And he also knows that telling me to relax is going to effectively do the exact opposite and up my anxiety and bother me more then whatever I was originally bothered about.  In this disagreement, he found a button that triggers a crazy reaction in me, and he pushed it.

To be fair, I have to completely acknowledge that I was out of line, and I probably pushed every single one of his buttons.  In fact, I’d say I probably haven’t been that irrational in months, maybe even years. (FYI, if I’m willing to admit this to myself and to the entire world, I can assure you it was not pretty, and I was absolutely not a joy to be around).

I do intend to blame my screwed up Synthroid for my complete lack of sleep and for me being a ball of anxiety.  I get that being on incorrect dose really is not an appropriate reason for me to be disrespectful and lose my calm.  But, I maintain that he knows better.

Okay, maybe I owe him another apology.

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