I’ve been writing and editing and re-writing a few posts over the last day days. I’m not one to be lost for words, but for the first time I’m really struggling to get my thoughts out onto paper these last few days.

The sum of it is that due to the new unexpected adoption costs we have been re-evaluating surrogacy / gestational carrier as an option. The cost of adoption has made us rethink our initial decision, simply because there is a chance that surrogacy / gestational carrier could be cheaper or at least about the same price. [Side note – I have lots to say on our re-evaluation on of our options (I even have a few charts comparing the options), and I expect to share a lot more on this in the really near future, maybe even tomorrow, if I can ever get the words out.]

But, the point of today’s post is my moment of self-discovery, a moment that hit me like a tonne of bricks today:

We are not pursuing surrogacy / gestational carrier because of me.

I could not do it. I said no.

The more I think about it, the more I dig into my emotions, the more I realize that this decision was largely made because of me. Yes, Mr. MPB agreed, but I have to wonder if it weren’t for my state of mind coming out of five miscarriages if he would have felt differently.

My logic for not pursuing surrogacy / gestational carrier as an option was pretty simple:

First, after all my body has been through, I couldn’t fathom the idea of signing up for IVF. IVF scares the crap out of me. I know many women who have done it, but I’m still so scared of having more surgeries. I’m also petrified of the drugs. I’m worried about how successful I’ll be at producing follicles.

Second, I’m afraid of how I will deal with watching someone else carry the baby I so desperately want to carry myself. This one just sounds like a mental health nightmare for me just waiting to happen.

Thirdly, I am also very fearful of another loss. What if implantation doesn’t even occur? What if we have yet another miscarriage? Statistically, IVF ups the chances of miscarriage, and we really don’t know need help in that department. How will I feel if someone else miscarries on my behalf? If we use my eggs, I will always wonder if I’m the reason for another loss because we know that our losses are the fault of my body not Mr. MPB’s. I don’t even want to know how expensive the psychological counselling bills will be if we went through another loss.

Lastly, we could use donor eggs and therefore remove me completely from the equation, yet this brings up an immense amount of emotions for me. The idea of Mr. MPB creating a child with someone else kills me (even though I logically know that the actual procreation is done in a lab, not in the bedroom). Further, the idea of raising a half Mr. MPB / someone else, bothers me immensely. We married each other, in part to have children together. Somehow it doesn’t sit well with me that only one of us would be the biological parent. Where’s the us in that? I’m not sure if it’s jealousy that he could have a biological child and I cannot? I’m not sure if I’m scared that I’ll end up resentful as I look into a child’s eyes and knowing that the child is half him, and none of me? I’m not sure if it’s the fear that I won’t connect to the child the same way that Mr. MPB will? Or maybe I’m fearful that the child won’t love me the same way they do Mr. MPB? And the real paranoid part of my brain wonders what would happen if he ever died, and I was left to raise the kids – would his family try to fight for custody knowing that I am not genetically linked to the child (P.S. I do realize just how paranoid and crazy that sounds as I would legally adopt the children and it wouldn’t be possible – but hey, paranoid thinking isn’t based in rational thinking).  For me, this fear, the fears of our child being half Mr. MPB and none of me, makes me prefer adoption, simply because then Mr. MPB and I are equal genetic parents.

Honestly, I don’t know what it is, but the idea bothers me immensely, but I cannot push these emotions away. And yet, I know many couples do this all the time in the infertility world. So, I’m struggling to understand why I’m so bothered by it. And, I also realize that by saying no to this, I am effectively removing Mr. MPB’s chance to ever be a biological father. He doesn’t seem to mind, in fact he hasn’t complained once and he’s even the one that ultimately turned to adoption before I did. (He really is an amazing man).

.

So today, I cannot help but wonder if I am just being selfish? Should I work to get over these feelings, and move towards surrogacy / gestational carrier? Are these emotions things I can or even should just get over?

And even with all of this said, we still have to go back to the basics, and think about why we are re-evaluating our options. How do all my new found emotions factor into our decision making process?

Really, the questions we are asking ourselves right now is largely all about money. And the big question is now that the cost of adoption is equal to surrogacy / gestational carrier, which is the best route for us? We were confident in our decision, but with the ever increasing costs, we really need to be sure. With the kind of money we are talking about, there literally is no room for error.

Up until this point we’ve been adamant that adoption is our best path to our family.  And I cannot help but wonder, if we remove the money element, will we still choose adoption? In the next few weeks are we going to change our minds about adoption?

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.