I’m Starting to Get Dizzy
This week has been insane.
The whole unexpected adoption re-evaluation has taken up way more energy and effort then either one of us would have preferred. (Really, if I’m honest we would have preferred to just avoid this whole RPL / adoption situation entirely). And at the same time we’ve been continuing to deal with other adoption necessities as we need to keep organizing our information and finding impossible documents for our application should we not change our minds.
I (we) have been spending a lot of effort worrying about money, even though worrying won’t help anything or change anything.
At the same time I’ve been meeting with a few different people in my professional industry trying to figure out my best plan to move forward with my career in a way that will make me happy.
I’ve also been working with Mr. MPB as well.
We’ve been trying to fit in our nightly work-out and our healthy, fresh evening meals.
And, we are also trying to complete a home reno project that I convinced Mr. MPB to do now. I told him, it won’t take much time at all, it’s just a small bathroom facelift. Ha, ya right! Joke’s on me! Now we have ripped apart part of the room to discover multiple unexpected surprises which are taking so much more effort than we planned. Oh, and more money too. Ops.
We’re running in our evenings to meet social commitments, some that we don’t even really want to go to but said yes to anyways.
We’re trying to fit in conversations about massive life / family decisions while rushing between this meeting and that meeting.
We are bickering over stupid things, things that shouldn’t even matter. It seems that since we are both a bit stressed right now, neither one of us are taking the time to rationalize and think clearly. Instead we are jumping to conclusions and not being respectful enough of each other.
I’ve been complaining all week about my happy day photo project and feeling like I don’t have time to get a decent photo that represents a truly happy moment in time. I feel like it’s more of an annoyance than anything else, which defeats the entire point. Simply, I think that I am not taking the time to see happy moments, and so maybe the project is annoying me because it reminds me of what I’m doing wrong.
Oh, and then there is the neglected dog. She deserves more walks then she has had this week, and I need to do a better job there. Oh, how I hate letting my dog down. In fact, I’m not sure there are many things in life that I hate more the world.
I’ve been struggling to write. I’ve been lost for words and cannot seem to figure out what I am trying to say and how to say it. I fear my writing (and my blog) is suffering because I do not feel connected to my writing process.
I feel like I’m rushing.
I’m tired and feeling overwhelmed.
I’m spinning in one spot, and I’m starting to get dizzy.
I’m getting through the days, but I’m not stopping to smell the roses or see the happy moments.
I feel like the big picture isn’t shining through like it should.
I feel like I’m neglecting to breathe as I’m getting caught up in the chaos.
I realize this is not a good place to be. I’ve worked hard to move away from this, and yet here I am right back where I used to be.
So, my thinking right now is that I need to re-centre myself and find some semblance of zen. I need to slow down time.
I need to go back to my basics. I need to focus on finding time for me. I need to focus on just being. Living in the moment, and not focusing on the worries of tomorrow.
I need remember why I left my job in the first place. Why I decided to put a priority on my health and my well-being. Why I am pretty happy about not working full-time. Why money cannot be the only focus. Why I should be confident in our decisions and not be second guessing everything.
I need to remember why simple moments of happiness matter.
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