I’m Starting to Get Dizzy

This week has been insane.

The whole unexpected adoption re-evaluation has taken up way more energy and effort then either one of us would have preferred. (Really, if I’m honest we would have preferred to just avoid this whole RPL / adoption situation entirely). And at the same time we’ve been continuing to deal with other adoption necessities as we need to keep organizing our information and finding impossible documents for our application should we not change our minds.

I (we) have been spending a lot of effort worrying about money, even though worrying won’t help anything or change anything.

At the same time I’ve been meeting with a few different people in my professional industry trying to figure out my best plan to move forward with my career in a way that will make me happy.

I’ve also been working with Mr. MPB as well.

We’ve been trying to fit in our nightly work-out and our healthy, fresh evening meals.

And, we are also trying to complete a home reno project that I convinced Mr. MPB to do now. I told him, it won’t take much time at all, it’s just a small bathroom facelift. Ha, ya right! Joke’s on me! Now we have ripped apart part of the room to discover multiple unexpected surprises which are taking so much more effort than we planned. Oh, and more money too. Ops.

We’re running in our evenings to meet social commitments, some that we don’t even really want to go to but said yes to anyways.

We’re trying to fit in conversations about massive life / family decisions while rushing between this meeting and that meeting.

We are bickering over stupid things, things that shouldn’t even matter.  It seems that since we are both a bit stressed right now, neither one of us are taking the time to rationalize and think clearly.  Instead we are jumping to conclusions and not being respectful enough of each other.

I’ve been complaining all week about my happy day photo project and feeling like I don’t have time to get a decent photo that represents a truly happy moment in time. I feel like it’s more of an annoyance than anything else, which defeats the entire point. Simply, I think that I am not taking the time to see happy moments, and so maybe the project is annoying me because it reminds me of what I’m doing wrong.

Oh, and then there is the neglected dog. She deserves more walks then she has had this week, and I need to do a better job there. Oh, how I hate letting my dog down. In fact, I’m not sure there are many things in life that I hate more the world.

I’ve been struggling to write. I’ve been lost for words and cannot seem to figure out what I am trying to say and how to say it.  I fear my writing (and my blog) is suffering because I do not feel connected to my writing process.

.

I feel like I’m rushing.

I’m tired and feeling overwhelmed.

I’m spinning in one spot, and I’m starting to get dizzy.

I’m getting through the days, but I’m not stopping to smell the roses or see the happy moments.

I feel like the big picture isn’t shining through like it should.

I feel like I’m neglecting to breathe as I’m getting caught up in the chaos.

I realize this is not a good place to be. I’ve worked hard to move away from this, and yet here I am right back where I used to be.

So, my thinking right now is that I need to re-centre myself and find some semblance of zen.  I need to slow down time.

I need to go back to my basics. I need to focus on finding time for me. I need to focus on just being. Living in the moment, and not focusing on the worries of tomorrow.

I need remember why I left my job in the first place. Why I decided to put a priority on my health and my well-being. Why I am pretty happy about not working full-time. Why money cannot be the only focus. Why I should be confident in our decisions and not be second guessing everything.

I need to remember why simple moments of happiness matter.

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34 Comments on “I’m Starting to Get Dizzy

  1. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. From what I can gather, I feel that you are neglecting yourself, and by neglecting self it has affected other areas of your life. I think if you just stop, relax and breathe and just find your happy place again things will be seen in a better perspective ❤ and you will be able to handle things with a better attitude. It breaks my heart that you are having a hard time.
    I pray that God blesses you where you lack in finances for your adoption. I know it will all work out. It seems stressful now but when you look back someday you will see it was all worth it. The greater the trial, the greater the reward. When I face trials that I can't understand I always remind myself of Romans 8:28. Hang in there, you and Mr. MPB are such an inspiration to me.

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    • Thank you so much Felicia for your wonderful advice and your encouragement!
      You are so right, I have been neglecting myself – falling into old habits – and I am now suffering the consequences. I really need to pull back and refocus and re-prioritize. One day at a time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear you. I’ve been feeling like this for months. Last night we saw our counsellor together. Best. Decision. Ever. We need help to dig ourselves out of the pit of despair and stressors. I truly empathize with the feeling of it all being too much and taking a toll on your relationship and on you. I hope you can make that zen space for yourself now. Remember this will all be worth it in the end. I try to remind myself of that too.

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    • Thank you so much for understanding and empathizing. It’s just so freaking hard some days, but you are right, we (meaning, me, Mr. MPB, you and your Mr.) need to make ourselves our own zen places. We need to step back from everything else and find some calm in the storms that are swirling about us right now. Love to you my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I know that I normally have words of wisdom for you, but for some reason words just escape me at the moment. What I will say, is that I think you need to take some time and focus on YOU. Are these meetings that you said you would do, that important, to put a strain on yourself and your marriage? People won’t hate you if you back out on something, they’ll get over it. With so many important things going on in your life right now, people need to understand that you may not be able to do as much for others, until you can get your own life under control. You’re right, stressing about the money won’t fix or change it. It sounds like you guys need a date night, to focus on yourselves. And I think if you take a couple hours out to walk your dog, and try to rebalance yourself, that will help too. Try to focus on one step at a time, instead of the whole picture, and I think you’ll get through this a little easier. *hugs*

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    • You always have wonderful words of wisdom, for which I am ever so grateful! Thank you!
      I took your advice and went out for a long walk this afternoon with the dog. I think we are both feeling a bit better after enjoying some time outside.
      And I think you are right, a date night is in order. And I agree, we need to look at the next step, not all the steps. All of this together should help…I hope. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • You’re welcome! It’s kinda funny…after I read it I felt like I had nothing to say that could possibly help, but as I started typing things just started pouring out. I guess that’s just how it works sometimes.
        Give yourself a date night (or weekend!), hang out with your dog for the next few days, and take things one step at a time. Hang in there!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Sounds like you need to take some time for yourself. You’re stretching yourself too thin, especially given the stressful decisions you’ve been contemplating. I’m not sure how you will go about letting go of some of these things, but just know that things won’t fall apart if you let them sit for a while. Take your dog out- it’ll make you feel better to be outside, and you’ll feel less guilty about letting her down. Take yourself to a coffee shop and enjoy a cup of something delicious. Bring a book or a notebook to write in. Take some nice photos. Be inspired by everything around you so that you can believe that good things will happen to you even if you’re not actively making them happen.

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    • I unexpectedly went for lunch with a friend and then I took your advice and went for a walk with the dog. It’s a beautiful day today, so it only made sense to get outside. I brought my camera and took some photos. I’m struggling to see beauty in our current brown landscape, but it was nice to be outside nonetheless. I also did not look at a single job ad or work on any of my outstanding work.
      Thank you my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so proud of you. Sometimes it seems counterproductive to slow down during stressful times, but somehow it seems to allow us to connect better with our priorities and helps us to see things with more clarity. Yeah, the brown and greys are a bit depressing, I’ll admit, but I love starting to hear the birds singing again, and how clean the air smells.

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      • Thank you so much friend. I found myself focusing on the birds singing, and the bright blue sky on my walk to avoid the browns and grey. I guess there is always beauty around us, it’s just a matter of seeing it. Thank you again.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I can definitely relate. It feels like you’re juggling and the world just keeps throwing balls at you faster and faster and you’re struggling to keep up. Time to catch all those balls and see which ones are the most important orrr learn a new juggling technique so you can handle all the balls. :)… I tend to get carried away with my symbolism. haha. You’ve got this!

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    • Thank you! And I love your analogy! Clearly I’m doing a horrible job of finding a new juggling technique, so I may just have to let something go. Ah, time to prioritize.

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  6. I hate that you are having a hard time. I know worrying does not help things but sometimes it is impossible not to worry. I am really pulling for you.

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  7. I can see how you would feel dizzy! I agree that you probably need to slow down and get back to basics, but it always seems like that’s easier said than done. I hope you are able to find a way to do that and give yourself so much-needed “me time”. And, I can also relate to the guilt you experience when you feel like you’re being a not-so-good puppy mom, but I bet your pup still loves you no matter what. Maybe a walk would be good for you and her!

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    • You are so right, it is always easier said then done! I am trying to slow down, even if it’s just for one day. I’ve done no work today, I haven’t looked at a single job ad, I went to lunch with a friend and I went for a walk with the dog. I’m hoping one day of forced slow down will help me re-centre myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Sounds like you definitely need some time for yourself! I hope you and Mr. MPB can take a break soon and either get away or just have some time with just the two of you. You definitely need it! I also think that your puppy knows that you love her, and will appreciate any walk. ❤

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    • Thank you so much for reminding me that we really do need to slow down and process everything going on around us, rather then getting swept up in the storm.
      And, the puppy is now sleeping after a long walk. She seems rather content. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. It sounds like you have a lot of stress and pressure in your life right now. I think you are right about needing to slow down and breathe. Remember, self care isn’t optional. ❤ You can and will get through all of this. Give yourself permission to take some time. Hugs to you!

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    • Thank you so much sweetie. I’m making an effort to slow down today. I went to lunch with a friend and went out with the dog for a good walk, and I haven’t done any job searching or anything.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Things just can hit us out of nowhere and as a planner. Yes you are. You are trying to fix everything. I do the same and it is over welcoming and lot of times I drive myself crazy. I decided that I just do one thing a day and make sure that is enough. Tackle another thing another day. Give that a try?

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    • I think so many of us try to do everything, and it’s always good to have a reminder to slow down. Tackling things one day at a time is a great approach! Thanks for the suggestion!

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  11. Wow…that sounds so stressful. Really seems like it’s time to give yourself some You time. Hope things will look up very soon.

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  12. Got nothing but hugs for you lady 💛 I’m sorry these are still trying times for you. Just sending you lots and lots of hugs 😉

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  13. Love that you’re getting so much support here. I’d also like to say…give yourself a break and take some credit! The first step to making a change is to recognition, which you’ve don fabulously..and instead of letting things spiral further out of control, you’ve realized a cause for the stressors and lack of patience with each other and things around you. That “breathe” thing is great, walking your dog is awesome (specially as dogs as well as the exercise lower your blood pressure)…how about having a photo shoot of the dog? ha ha ha…if that doesn’t bring you some joy/happiness I’d be shocked! (((hugs)))

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    • You are awesome! Thanks for all the ideas and the reminder to give myself a break! It’s funny, whenever I don’t want my dog in a photo she decides she needs to be the centre of the photo, but when I want to take her photo she decides she’d rather do anything other then sit still. I’m convinced she does this to me on purpose. 🙂

      Like

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